The 5 Skills Needed to become Emotionally Intelligent

Have you ever felt so emotionally charged by an event that it caused you to react poorly? And then, you regretted your reaction?

I definitely have! Let’s talk about our emotions, how they impact our relationships and how we can better learn to manage them.

Our emotions are the daily visitors that help us express and communicate our feelings through our physical body. An emotion is an immediate physiological response to a stimulus, which regulates our living cells and provide data from the world around us. One could even say that we experience life through our emotions - as they give us information about how we feel towards an idea, a thought, a person, a place or a moment. Our emotions call attention to what is important to us, what we align with, what excites us and what we are discordant to.

Our feelings are the conscious experience of our emotions. While emotions are expressed through our body, feelings are the mental associations and reactions from our mind. As such, feelings form when the brain assigns meaning to the emotional experience one is having.?

Personally, I grew up seeing many family members and others react unconsciously from their emotions, which hurt people along the way. This has motivated me to embark on a journey of becoming more emotionally intelligent and changing my life. Our emotions are forms of energy that encourage us to take action, however, we need to choose that reaction wisely. As I strive to have a conscious positive effect on people, this has led me to study and build my emotional muscles.?

According to the Harvard Business Review’s book On Emotional intelligence, the most effective leaders are alike in one way: they all have a high degree of emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ). Daniel Goleman, one of the authors of this book, defines EQ as a person's ability to manage his/her feelings so that those feelings are expressed appropriately and effectively. It is about understanding, recognizing and managing our emotions. Someone who has high EQ can communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict.

According to the book, there are 5 components of emotional intelligence including self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. Let’s dive into each of these below:?

1.Self-Awareness. This is the ability to understand one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, needs and drives, as well as their effect on others. Becoming self aware isn’t something we achieve in one day, it is the ongoing process of getting to know ourselves throughout our lives. You can practice this through introspection, constructive feedback from those who have your best interest, therapy and daily practices such as journaling, meditation, and asking yourself deeper questions. Self-awareness is the building block of emotional intelligence, because it gives us the ability to see ourselves with clearer eyes - knowing what we bring to the table and what are things we still need to work on. Self-aware people know, and are comfortable talking about, their limitations and strengths as they often demonstrate a thirst for constructive criticism. Ultimately, this helps us make better choices regarding our desires, what we pursue and how we deal with other people in our life.

2. Self-Regulation. This is the component of emotional intelligence that frees us from being prisoners of our feelings. As biological impulses drive our emotions, we have to learn ways to manage them. Many people experience bad moods and emotional triggers, but an emotionally intelligent person finds ways to control them and channel their energy in more useful ways. I like to think of self-regulation in 2 ways: Immediate and Proactive.?

• Immediate: You may find yourself in a meeting, a conversation or an event, where you are emotionally triggered. This may bring up emotions of anger, frustration, sadness, shock, etc. How you react in those moments is imperative to your relationship building and the impact you have on others. Make sure you take a deep breath, take a moment think through what is happening and accept the situation in-front of you, whether you like it or not. Do not insult others, belittle them or hurt them with your words. Take time for yourself, if needed, to collect your thoughts and choose your words carefully in order to communicative effectively and navigate through the situation.
• Proactive: There are activities and habits you can do on a regular basis to develop a stronger mind and body connection, be more at ease and regulate your emotions. These habits include sleep, meditation, exercise, yoga or dance. For instance, studies show that higher levels of physical activity is associated with higher levels of clarity and emotional repair. Good sleep is important for restoring daily functioning and letting go of emotional stress.?I encourage you to research how these others habits can greatly impact your ability to self-regulate.

3. Motivation: Self-motivation is our personal drive to improve and achieve beyond money or status. It is what causes you to act, whether it is reading a book to gain knowledge, going to the gym or doing something new. Motivation is a component of emotional intelligence because anyone can be motivated by a big bonus or the status that comes from having an impressive title, but finding ways to motivative yourself beyond these external factors is what makes you stand out and allow for deeper connection with others. Motivation can often be linked to your purpose and having strong awareness around your inner diving force. It strengthens your commitment, your desire to learn and it encourages you to seek out creative challenges that will make you better in the long-term. For example, I am highly motivated by the idea of giving back to my community because I know what it is like to live somewhere that has low resources, which in turn limits your opportunities and ability to grow. It is another reason why I am writing this article and investing my time in content creation. I let my motivation become an emotion that fills my heart with energy. What makes you motivated?

4. Empathy: According to the book, “empathy means thoughtfully considering other’s feelings in the process of making intelligent decisions”. Empathy isn’t about pleasing everyone around you or taking other’s emotions as your own, it is about connecting with people on a deeper level and making them feel seen, heard and understood. Being empathetic means we listen intentionally to understand how others are experiencing a situation by reading their words, examining their body language, listing to their tone of voice, watching their facial expressions and more. Depending on where we grow up and what we have experienced in our lives, two people may have very different reactions to the same situation. It is important to ask open ended questions and avoid assuming how others are feeling. Great leaders and coaches know that having empathy allows for stronger relationships to develop and results in increased satisfaction, greater trust and more effective collaboration.?

5. Social Skills: If you noticed, the first 3 components of emotional intelligence are self-management skills, while the last 2 are focused on how to manage and build relationships with others. Having strong social skills isn’t about being friendly and how many friends you can make, but rather, it is friendliness with a purpose - such as moving people towards a common goal or being aligned for an activity or work project you are doing. Here are the 3 keys of social skills:

• Build Emotional Rapport: This is the process of establishing connection. You can do this by finding common ground through inquisitive questions. It is about getting to know someone on a human level, before you move to a business level. It is about demonstrating genuine interest in who they are, what they value and what they love. It is about showing integrity, kindness and having their best interest in mind.?
• Make People Feel Comfortable: When I enter a conversation, one of my goals is to make someone feel like they can truly be themselves around me because authenticity is a priority in my relationships. I do this by being vulnerable first, by making them laugh or by sharing a personal story that is related to the topic we are discussing.?We are often a mirror to each other, and taking initiative helps to set the tone for the conversation you want to establish.
• Make Agreements: If you have a goal or outcome in mind during a conversation, ensure that the other person understands and knows what that goal is and what actions are expected in the future. Do not assume that people know unless you have explicitly said it, and it is often fruitful to hear the other person share what they have understood with their own words.?

This wraps up the 5 components of emotional intelligence.?I hope this article has provided you refreshing and enlightening insights on how you can become a more emotionally intelligent person. I believe that our relationships are so important for our happiness, our evolution and our success. Therefore, investing in yourself and your ability to manage your emotions more wisely are an investment that will pay off rewards in the most magical ways.

I would love to hear your reflection of this article in the comments and stay tuned for my monthly articles going forward. If this helped you, please share it with one person. I enjoy connecting with like-minded people and if you feel aligned, please connect with me on LinkedIn.

With Love,

Celeste Leon

Mindset Coach, Co-founder of I AIM Community and Sales Enablement Lead at KPMG