5 Simple Steps to Improve Your Communication Skills: A.B.C.D.E. !!!

Have you ever been at a meeting, and you noticed there’s someone who seemed so confident and effective in their communications – and you wished you felt the same? Because of my research, I’m constantly monitoring what people are saying. And lately I’ve been observing their body language. It’s fascinating how some people make it seem so effortless.

(Yes, you can be that someone!)

According to FastCompany, communication skills such as asking questions, displaying positive body language, and active listening, are VITAL.

And Sir Richard Branson says that communication skills are the most important skills any leader can possess.

Based on my research (including over 25 recent podcast interviews), I propose a deceptively simple but powerful formula that I promise will make you a better communicator:

“The ABCDEs of Communication.” 

Why “the ABCDEs”? Well, there are 5 steps. And yes, they start with A and B and C and D and E. 

 If you’ve made it this far, I’ll bet you’re what we call a lifelong learner. You might be done your formal education, but you’re always looking to step it up a notch. You’re one of those people who know that learning takes effort, but it’s worth it. There are benefits.

 Here are at least 3 benefits of becoming a more effective and confident communicator:

1. It will help us accomplish our goals (be it connecting with our family, contributing effectively at work meetings, surviving small talk at a party, or making a positive impression at a networking event). When we communicate more effectively, we can accomplish our goals.
2. It is simply more fun. Would you rather feel inept and shy, or effective and confident? You can enjoy yourself when you are effectively and confidently communicating with others.
3. Others around you will also enjoy themselves, and frankly, they will enjoy your company. That's a good thing, right?

The first step in this formula: “A” is for ASK questions. 

I love that this one is first, because it’s so simple. If you’re seated at the table with your friends or family or co-workers, just ask a question. CHECK! You’ve already accomplished the first of the ABCDEs. Bam.

 I recently blogged about asking great Qs. If you want to get really good at this, ask open ended Qs. That’s what I try to do when I’m interviewing Talk About Talk guest experts. 

Here are some examples. Instead of “how was your day?” Try, “What was the best thing that happened to you today?” And instead of saying “how are you?” (Fine thanks, you? – boring!), try “So – what brings you to this conference?” or “What’s your connection with the host?” 

In a previous TalkAboutTalk podcast,  episode #11 with Harvard professor Jerry Zaltman, we learned about the power of storytelling. People love hearing and telling stories!

So we should be looking and listening for cues that could spark a story-telling opportunity. Like maybe after you’ve asked, “How do you know the host?” You could try: “You must have some great stories about that relationship?” Or after someone told you about their crazy commute to work today, you could ask them, “Really? What happened?” 

Or perhaps there’s a story behind one of their possessions – like a unique bag or the colour of their clothing. Try: “There must be a story behind that yellow bag you’re carrying?”

And while the person’s answering the Q you so skillfully asked, you can think about the second of the ABCDEs.  

“B” is for BREATHE.

Is it just me, or is the advice about “breathing” everywhere these days? We heard advice about breathing – slowly and deeply – from many of the podcast guests, starting with the voice episode (that was episode #2) with baritone opera singer Bradley Christensen. Bradley encourages deep, mouth breathing, right into the belly. And he explicitly says, “It’s ok to be a mouth breather – when you are speaking or singing”.

Before I go any further – I just have to say – this one – “breathe” – is so obvious. I completely agree. Of course we are breathing. In fact, recently when I presented the ABCDEs of Communication, someone said “agree. But breathe?!? Really?” I had one word. YES.

Taking that deep breathe will help relax and prepare you for the conversation. As Bradley the opera singer says, deep breathing will also make your voice sound better. But it goes beyond that. Deep breathing oxygenates our blood and helps us think more clearly. This is important for communication, yes? Research shows that slow, deep breathing helps reduce anxiety, reduces stress, and improves your mood, amongst other things. 

So, take a slow, deep breathe while the other person is answering the question you just asked. You’re done “A” – Ask a question and “B” – Breathe. As you are expanding your chest to breathe, you might want to think about

“C” act Confident 

Here’s the thing. People want to communicate with confident people. Confident people are open and positive, with both their words and their body language.

So how do you do that? Well, you might want to listen to TalkAboutTalk podcast #1, BODY LANGUAGE with executive coach Cynthia Barlow. 

• Start by taking up lots of space. Be open. Sit or stand up straight. Uncross your legs and unfold your arms. 
• Cynthia also mentioned several times that we shouldn’t hide your hands – keep them in plain view, on the table, or if you’re standing, outside of your pockets.
• Also, face the person who’s talking. Look them directly in the eye. Nod in agreement and mirror the person with whom you are conversing.
• Be positive. Smile. And not just with your lips. Make direct eye contact and smile with your eyes. 

Did you get all that? It may seem like a lot, but practice makes perfect.

Take up lots of space. Keep your hands visible. Face the other person, and smile. 

I called this one “C” ACT confident (instead of just confident), because of a little known secret: if you ACT confident, you will become more confident. In other words, our body language is not just communicating to other people, but also to our own brain. Our brain is also listening to our body.

• Professor Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist at Harvard, has studied this phenomenon in detail. One of the things she says is “Don’t fake it till you make it, fake it till you BECOME it.”

So whether you are having dinner with family or friends, sitting in a board room, or at a party or networking event, you should know that just by breathing, taking up space, and smiling, your body and your brain will start to internalize and exude confidence. 

 So now you’ve gone through A-B-C. You’ve Asked a question or two. You’ve taken deep breathes. And you’re acting confident. Time to move on to “D”

“D” stands for no Distractions. 

Ask yourself: why am I here? What do I want? 

This is less about being opportunistic, and more about being engaged or focused on the opportunities inherent in this interaction. This is about reinforcing your personal brand. This is about …being mindful.

For example, when I’m enjoying myself at a bookclub meeting, I can also be conscious of the opportunity to re-connect with cherished girlfriends. I’ve found that when I’m mindful about why I am where I am and with whom I’m spending my time, I end up much more satisfied.

We all need to put our phones away and be present. Focus.

If you’re in a meeting or at a networking event, ask yourself, what would you like to get out of this experience? 

• Maybe there’s a particular person with whom you need to reconnect?
• Maybe there’s an accomplishment you wanted to highlight to your boss?
• Or maybe there’s an opportunity you want to mention to a potential client.

So now you’ve gone through ABC & D. You’ve (A) asked questions. You’re (B) breathing deeply. You’re (C) acting confident and you’re (D) avoiding distractions. You’re focused and mindful.

“E” use your Ears – listen

This is something that’s certainly been reinforced for me from doing podcast interviews: Listening is tough, but there is a big payoff for listening.

And listening means a lot more than just waiting for your turn to say something. And yet, this is what so many of us do. 

Someone asked me recently what I think the most important skill is – for effective communication. I said it then and I will say it now. If I had to choose, the most important communication skill – is listening. 

Several of our past Talk About Talk guest experts mentioned that listening skills, truly focusing on what others have to say, is a critical communication skill. And that stands across virtually all social contexts – both professional and personal.

You’ve probably heard Parenting experts often say that children need to feel listened to.

Do you remember Stephen Covey and his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People? Habit #5 was “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  That means listen. Really listen, to what people are communicating. Ask questions to seek insight.

Years ago when I was interviewing for a job after my undergraduate degree, one of the career counsellors told us that “recruiters tend to prefer candidates who ask good Qs and who spend less time talking and more time listening.” I found that fascinating, and I kind of created a game in my mind during my job interviews – where I would try to ensure that the ratio of the employer talking versus me talking was heavily weighed to them talking.

That reminds me of two clever quotes I’ve heard about using our ears and listening. 

One is from Epictetus, a Greek philosopher born way back in 55AD. He said, “We have two ears and one mouth – so that we can listen – twice as much as we speak.”

The other is printed on one of my daughter’s t-shirts. She is a huge Hamilton fan – you know, the Broadway play. In that play, Aaron Burr, who was giving advice to Alexander Hamilton famously says, “Talk less, smile more.”   

In other words, use your Ears. LISTEN.

YAY! We’ve done it!

Now, I encourage you to take a moment to memorize these: ABCDE. Do you have them memorized?

It takes practice. But it’s worth it. For me, the ABCDEs has worked like magic. In retrospect, I wonder if the ABCDE’s has provided me with confidence, like a secret tool that I had in my mind, to keep me from feeling nervous or awkward. 

Equipped with these ABCDEs of Communication, you now have a simple, step-by-step process to follow to make you one of these effective and confident communicators. 

You’re welcome!

Here’s my challenge for you. When you find yourself in one of these social situations – whether its personal or professional – at the breakfast or dinner table, at a meeting, or at any event, try to be mindful. And think “this is a great opportunity to test the ABCDE’s of Communication.”

Try these five things ABCDE, in order, and see what happens. I would love to hear how it goes!