5 Signs You May Have A Narcissistic Wound To Heal, and How To Start

Part of Kathy Caprino’s series “Becoming The Most Powerful You"

I’ve experienced narcissism throughout my life, but it took many years to fully recognize or understand it. As I became an adult, I continued to attract emotionally manipulative and narcissistic people into my life – including bosses, colleagues and even “friends.” I started to think, “What the heck is going on here? How can it be that I continually experience these painful, traumatic situations and relationships where others don’t seem to?”

I didn’t uncover the real answer to that question until I began my studies as a marriage and family therapist, and explored how humans develop and grow, and also what can go terribly wrong with our emotional development and personality and identify formation when we’re exposed to emotional manipulation and childhood pain and trauma.

When I learned about narcissistic personality disorder, my world was completely rocked. I realized then exactly what had been going on for many years, and also learned what we have to do to address and heal our own wounds from being exposed to narcissistic trauma as children, when we were too young and defenseless to make sense of a chaotic and frightening world.

Years later, I became a career and leadership coach and began delivering my Amazing Career Project course. I also started to identify what I now refer to as the 7 most damaging power gaps that impact 98% of women and 90% of men. I observed that a significantly large number of the women who came for help and were deeply dissatisfied with their careers, and others who were facing the 7 power gaps had, in fact, experienced some form of emotional manipulation or narcissism in childhood, but never understood or recognized that fact.

And I began to see clearly that when you’ve grown up with narcissism and have been emotionally manipulated on a regular basis, you will, almost assuredly, carry a narcissistic wound inside of you.

According to psychologists, when a child is trapped in a narcissistic relationship with a parent, they can either internalize or externalize the traumatizing behavior of the parent.?As described by Dr. Jane Petersen in her article "Healing the Narcissistic Wound:"

The child who externalizes their experience perpetuates the pattern by projecting onto others the shame, guilt, humiliation and fear that she experienced and cannot tolerate herself.

Narcissistic behavior can be internalized as well. In these cases,

"...the child first develops a protector identity, usually dissociative, whose aim is to reduce the harm by anticipating the narcissist behavior of the adult. The child does this by creating an internal version of the narcissistic adult’s behavior. Later as the child develops, this part that arose as protector begins to function as a persecutor, a replica of the abusive adult that now lives inside the growing child’s own mind."

The bottom line is that when you’ve been traumatized by narcissism as a child, most likely you’re carrying a wound inside that has to be healed. If you don’t address it, it will wreak havoc on your relationships, your personal and professional success and fulfillment, and your own self-concept and self-esteem.

How can you tell if you may have a narcissistic wound to heal?

Here are 5 signs I’ve observed — both throughout my 18-year corporate life, then throughout my time as a therapist and as a career and leadership coach:

#1. You can’t overcome your driven need to be a “perfectionistic overfunctioner,” no matter how you try

There’s a term I’ve coined – “perfectionistic overfunctioner” – that emerged from my therapeutic training about the driven fear and need to do more than is healthy, appropriate, or necessary, and striving desperately to get an “A+” in all of it. Hundreds of thousands of women suffer from perfectionistic overfunctioning, and when they do, physical and emotional crises emerge.

This driven fear to be perfect and to be everything to everyone, and putting ourselves last, often emerges as a coping and survival strategy to save oneself from deep pain and rejection from narcissistic or manipulative parents.

Sadly, many cultures teach that “good” parenting is about pushing children to excellence, in an extreme way. What I’ve seen, however, is that this form of parenting can become abusive and highly damaging when the pushing and pressuring is intense and unrelenting. And when love and support are withheld unless certain conditions are met (usually around extremely high achievement), the child will most likely not be able to thrive emotionally as they mature. Many parents around the world haven’t learned this vitally important lesson -- that if you love your child only if they're "the best," you're negatively impacting their mental health and most likely raising young people who will not thrive in adulthood.

I see this every day in my coaching work, even (and especially) among very high-achieving women -- including those who are at high levels or running their own ventures. At some point, they crash and burn and feel that what they're striving so hard for in life and work is no longer (or never was) what they truly wanted, and can't figure out what happened.

#2. The idea of saying “no” to your parents or other important figures (even when you are a full adult) regarding how you want to live or work, is terrifying.

I’m utterly amazed day how often I hear from women all around the world who are absolutely frozen in fear at the idea of telling their now elderly parents – or their spouses and other family members – that they wish to create a new type of life for themselves. They know they will be ridiculed and shamed, and in some cases abandoned for “letting my family down,” not living up to unrelenting expectations about the money, fame, recognition, and "success" these family members believe should be pursued at all costs.

For numbers of my clients and course members and many I hear from on social media, making decisions about their own lives regarding what they wish to pursue – or speaking up about how they really feel – is extremely difficult because they were simply never allowed to.

#3. You set the bar for your own accomplishments so high, that you shame yourself every day for not meeting and surpassing your own impossible expectations.

I’ve seen very accomplished people (many who are well known in their fields and highly respected) feel “less than” and inferior, even after achieving what others would say are tremendous feats of success and impact. These individuals nurture impossible expectations, and when they fail to meet them, it’s confirmed in their own minds that they’re never good enough.

#4. When you’re in competitive environments, you might look like you “win” and “thrive” but deep down, you feel very afraid, fragile and defensive, and you experience the imposter syndrome regularly.

Many highly competitive people appear confident and full of self-love and self-esteem, but inside, they’re devastatingly scared.?Internally, they feel fragile, defensive and deeply afraid that they won’t “win” or come out on top in comparison to their colleagues or peers. For them, it’s not pleasurable to compete – it’s terrifying – yet they can’t stop themselves from competing at all costs. And many of them believe, no matter how they accomplished what they did, that they don't truly deserve it.

#5. You reject those who challenge you

Finally, if someone challenges you and makes it clear they don’t like, “get,” or respect you, you internally reject and dislike them in excessive ways – unable to tolerate feeling unaccepted.

I’ve seen that those with a narcissistic wound tend to need to feel loved and accepted at all times, and when they’re not getting what they need emotionally, they can often go to a dark place of needing to reject those who have triggered in them a feeling of being unacceptable or unlovable.

Even if it’s as small or seemingly insignificant as receiving a judgmental or nasty comment on Facebook or LinkedIn, people with narcissistic wounds will often become excessively angry or indignant at the challenge, and go to extreme lengths to prove the challenger wrong or to discredit him/her. And they can hold a grudge for a very long time against the individual whom they believe denigrated them.

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If you recognize any of these signs, then therapeutic help that understands the impact of narcissism or emotional manipulation might be very instrumental. But you don’t necessarily have to engage in therapy today to begin the work of recognizing if you have an internal wound that needs healing.

Starting this week, take a little time to be with yourself, every day, without any distractions, and try to shut out all the noise and chatter in your mind. Then, tap into what you’re feeling at a deeper level. Be courageous enough to allow yourself to experience your emotions in a more real way. Do your best to get in touch with what you truly feel and believe. (If this is too frightening or overwhelming, then do seek out a great therapeutic provider or someone else to support you.)

Once you can feel and recognize what triggers you to feel unsafe, unloved, and unacceptable, as it happens, you'll have greater self-mastery and control to then explore the root behind that and start doing the brave work to move through that pain to experience healing and growth.

To start, ask yourself two eye-opening questions:

How old is this feeling inside of you? This gets at understanding if this feeling emerged in early childhood, and if so, what was going on with your family and parents the first time you remember experiencing it.

Whom did you crave love most from, as a child, and whom did you have to be to get it? This is a very powerful question I first heard from Tony Robbins in his documentary “I Am Not Your Guru." It helps you understand if you had to become someone you weren’t in order to be accepted and loved by your family or “tribe.” Most likely the person you felt you had to be then to win love is exactly who you are striving to be still.

Whether that belief (that you had to be someone you're not in order to be loved) was objectively true or not is not important. It's how you felt inside that matters.

When you start to see more clearly why you experience relationships, people and events as you do, you can then do something concrete to move forward to finally healing your internal wounds. And you can arrive at new ways to thrive and become your authentic, brave self, who loves and appreciates who you are, without having to be perfect or the best.

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For hands-on therapeutic help to support you in dealing with any narcissism or extreme emotional manipulation you've experienced, visit the American Assn. of Marriage and Family Therapy, and use the therapist locator to find a great therapist who understands narcissism and knows how to support clients to heal from it. And for daughters of narcissistic mothers, read the helpful book Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Dr. Karyl McBride.

For additional support, check out Kathy's 6-part webinar training series co-hosted by therapist Janneta K. Bohlander, on Dealing with Narcissism, and visit her Personal and Professional Growth programs including The Most Powerful course and The Amazing Career Project.