5 Signs of a Secure Preschool Child

"meeting early emotional needs ensures that children are more independent"

5 signs of a secure preschool child

“Attachment” means different things to different people. Some people see it as a description of “clinginess” of a child; a sign of dependence or reliance that a child places on an adult, often associated with the idea of “spoiling” a child by giving in to unreasonable demands. But did you know that it is actually a psychology term?

In psychology, attachment refers to the bond that a parent has modelled and created with their child. Successful attachment has been shown to result in successful adult relationships later in life, and, reassuringly, unsuccessful early attachment can be improved! There are many life situations that cannot help but impact attachment. Postnatal depression can (but not always!) impact attachment, which is one reason that help should be asked for as soon as possible, not because it is weakness, but because it is a health condition that can be resolved. Life circumstances, from poverty to house moves, relationship breakdown and even death, can have an impact on a child’s very first example of a successful relationship – but equally, when these events are managed in a caring and supportive way, they do not need to affect a child negatively. 

So if it’s not about being “clingy”, what is attachment? Where did it come from?

Responses that children show from early on can indicate secure or insecure attachment, and can even help professionals identify potentially problematic circumstances, including maltreatment and abuse. For more information on attachment, look up work done by psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby. Ainsworth noticed that at the age of around 18 months, children would behave one of four ways when their parent left them with a stranger. She found this to be the case in many different cultures, leading her to suggest that it may be true for most if not all children of that age. She discovered that over 70% of children cried for the parent and could be consoled, but the remaining 30% either cried and pushed the parent away, cried and couldn’t be consoled by the parent, or didn’t respond at all. The behaviour of children in the 30% category indicated that parents needed a social or medical support, and it is important to recognise that this clinical test is best done by objective professionals, rather than curious mums or friends of mums.

So then, what’s the point of bringing this up?

There are many children’s behaviours that are normal but are often discouraged, with parents assuming that they will lead to danger, spoiling or an inability to be independent. However, often the opposite is true – by meeting the early emotional needs of a child at the time of crisis, a parent or care-giver ensures that later in life, the child is more likely to be successfully independent and self-reliant when similar situations arise. This is because children use their first experiences of love, affection, trust, and help, as patterns of how to respond to challenges in the future, including problem-solving strategies and coping-mechanisms. Each time the child is challenged by a similar situation in the future, they use their previous experience to guide their decisions, gradually becoming more and more able to successfully find their own solutions, needing less and less help. This is one of the reasons that opportunities for longer maternity/paternity leave is so beneficial in the long-term; greater investment in the early years pays off in the long-term.

What behaviours should be encouraged, and how, when life is so busy?

1.    A secure child wanders off and comes back

Many parents and caregivers become anxious, and understandably so, when their little charge runs off out of sight. This is partly because of the increased awareness of child abductions and worse, and the uncertainty that comes with looking after an unpredictable child. However, by understanding the view of the child, a parent or care-giver can create opportunities for this development more successfully. Children are naturally curious, little scientists trying to understand how and why things work. Part of their mental and social development towards independence includes having the confidence to explore new situations on their own. Current research shows that infants believe that they are physically attached to their parents well after birth, and that each bout of tantrum behaviour (“terrible two’s”, “threenagers” etc.) is the child’s realisation of their physical separation to their parent. As part of the “physical attachment” belief, a child cannot (and should not) imagine that anything bad could happen to them when their parent is present, even if unseen. This theory explains clinginess that parents and children experience during the self-awareness tantrums, and the growing realisation that your love and support continue, even without your physical presence. As a result, it is essential for children to have the opportunity to “get lost”, but how can we do this safely?

How to meet this need safely:

Many articles have been written about the comparative distances that parents allowed children to publically travel on their own 50, 25 and even 10 years ago. Whether there are more negative occurrences or whether it is an increase of awareness through social media, public areas are unarguably more populated than 50, 25 and 10 years ago, and more people naturally creates more opportunity for misbehaviour. A caring parent will be aware of this and want to provide accordingly. Parks and play centres are great opportunities for children to play and learn to interact with others in an enclosed, supervised area. Choose the size of park or play centre according to the age or experience of the child, being aware that second and third children are often more adventurous than the first, as are children in groups compared with children on their own. Visiting friends and family regularly allows children to explore different environments, like indoor rooms, or outside gardens. Children can safely explore in imaginative ways without parents needing to keep an eye on them full time – being aware of exceptions, such as the ways that others choose to parent and their perceptions of hazards (stairs, pets, access to emergency medication may not be familiar to all children). Organised activities are often limited by age, and preschool activities particularly will often encourage exploration by providing a safe, watchful space for children and parents/carers. With an increasing number of options available, from music and sports to crafts and cooking, exploration opportunities will depend on the purpose of the session, giving you the freedom to choose activities that suit both you and your child best. There will be other opportunities that may be unique to your family, area or culture, such as faith buildings or cultural festivals, and it is important for your child to daily exercise their growing confidence, even at home.

2.    A secure child cries when hurt or upset, and expects attention and compassion

If we use our understanding that child believe that they are attached to and protected by their parent, being hurt or upset will be a new and unexpected experience that will take time to learn to manage. Research has shown that children appear to have an inherent sense of justice and injustice – they naturally know the difference between good and bad. During their early years, this sense of justice can be validated or overruled, developing a child’s concept of honesty and truth. This concept of fairness is involved when a child is hurt, both physically and emotionally. The consequences are far-reaching – by validating feelings, the self of the child is validated which allows the child to have confidence in their own feelings, decisions and actions, strengthening their understanding of honesty. Overruling feelings, by ignoring or denying them, leaves the child questioning their own ability to assess a situation accurately and supports the benefits of performing or behaving as expected regardless of the truth. This self-mistrust can be extremely destructive, potentially leading to untrusting and manipulative behaviours, lifelong insecurities and unhealthy internalising thoughts and events. This is particularly evident in situations where “respect” (for adults, grandparents, community leaders) is valued more highly than truth.

How to meet this need safely:

Responding each time in a caring and validating way to a child’s upset behaviour from the start will help a parent to learn to identify the level of response needed depending on the upset – this means that not every upset needs an emergency-scale intervention. Tantrums can often be avoided entirely by responding to early niggling, and this could be as minimal as a comforting glance or a supportive cuddle or chat, bearing in mind children’s sense of justice and injustice. Responding appropriately to your child helps them to learn that their own feelings are just as important as others, and that something has gone wrong and should be put right. In this way, just as your child learns to expect a level of your attention, you as a parent or carer will also learn which cry or niggle is more serious than others. In addressing upsets, working from outside to inside is a recommended procedure, checking first for physical injury, and then through to emotional injury. And with small children, even medical staff agree that the most effective treatment is a loving kiss and/or cuddle. Equally important is that where appropriate, children are allowed to see and learn about how adults respond to being hurt. While it is uncomfortable being vulnerable with a child, as an adult, it gives your child an opportunity to learn to how behave appropriately when another person is hurt. Young children particularly can actually be very kind and considerate, while older children may giggle out of embarrassment or uncertainty. Helping children to understand that physical and emotional hurt is temporary is a valuable experience that will improve their people skills considerably. They will learn and practise what they see, and it is in our interests to model a better way for them in the long-term.

3.    A secure child shares achievements and expects acknowledgement

From throwing toys on the floor and expecting you to pick them up, to expecting you to watch them jumping off the same step/chair/tree over and over again, children will want and expect your attention, delight and approval. While for you as the parent/carer, it is a boring and repetitive action – that often requires more effort from you than from them – for children, they are developing many different skills, finding different ways to throw or better ways to climb, to more confident landings, and with their perception of being part of you, they expect that you with share their delight. Reducing the achievement by ignoring or even reprimanding can have the effect of both reducing their interest in the activity (a short-term win) and/or reducing their value in your opinion of them. Finding ways that work for both you and your child at this stage will prove invaluable in later years.

How to meet this need safely:

There are many different types of achievements that children will want to share with you, some of which are dangerous, giving you the opportunity to explain danger and provide alternatives, and some of which are just annoying. Dangerous displays are fantastic opportunities to build trust where, depending on your reaction, your child will learn to come to you for reliable advice for years to come – or learn that their uncertainty leads to punishment, in which case it is safer to seek the advice of inexperienced peers or strangers. Annoying displays, despite appearing fickle, are extremely valuable opportunities for developing independence, concentration, persistence and other similar self-motivating characteristics. One of the best ways to turn this into a valuable experience is by finding a way to turn it into a self-correcting activity. Not only does it save your patience, it allows your child the opportunity to master skills that they enjoy for as long as they wish. Possible ways to manage dropping items from a surface, for example, can be to tie string or elastic to the object so that the child can learn to retrieve it, or perhaps find a way to have the child on the floor so that they can retrieve it themselves. If the actual issue is that the child is using dropping as a game because they want your attention, finding a way to touch/hold the child while chatting/eating (with the other hand!), can be all the reassurance they need until you are able to give them your attention more fully. Throw and catch is another activity which can become tedious. Creating free wall space for them to perfect their throwing and catching (fetching!) can manage their interest, again, until you are able to give them more attention. In all these activities, it is also useful to recognise that it is not only the activity they are doing that interests them, but that they want to share it with you that is important. Being able to find mutual interests and making time for shared activities throughout the child’s life not only acknowledges their importance to you but also bodes well for a successful future relationship during more potentially turbulent years. And when in doubt, rock! Physically rocking your child at any age, whether happy, sad, clingy or ill, provides a multitude of benefits that children experience purely through physical contact, including closeness, support, comfort, familiar smell, and more!

4.    A secure child is automatically trusting and speaks uncensored

Many times children will express what they see, or repeat things they hear, as an achievement of being able to relate the same event in different situations. Whether reading aloud or using family nicknames in outside situations, this ability to recognise similarity in different environments develops their ability to find patterns, leading to better problem-solving skills, and is a great achievement to be celebrated. However, it is not necessarily comfortable to realise that your child overheard what you thought was a private conversation, and is now relating that conversation to a stranger, or copying your spontaneous, not-exactly-appropriate behaviour, like, when stuck in traffic!

How to meet this need safely:

It is important to differentiate any behaviour from a child in a way that the child can understand. For example, naughty behaviour is not a naughty child. Naughty behaviour gives a child the opportunity to make better choices in behaviour next time, but a naughty child is more likely to live up to the description of being a naughty child. Similarly, children may speak the truth, but in a hurtful way or inappropriate time. Punishing a child for speaking the truth can have severe detrimental long-term effects, including confusing the value of honesty. A better way to manage the situation would be to explain at the time that it is not appropriate to discuss the conversation because it may be hurtful. Later when there is more time, it would be helpful to discuss why it was not appropriate, or why it may be hurtful. Helping children to think about how people may feel in different situations helps to develop empathy and compassionate behaviour, developing their ability to plan ahead and think before speaking. Considerations like “is it true” and “is it helpful” can be used here in talking about topics or people, too. Talking about the different ways that we treat people we know and people we do not know can both help the child to decide the appropriate time to make a comment, as well as helping to broach the subject of approaching strangers and becoming aware of personal safety. It is not enough to only talk about “stranger danger” though, as many abusive situations have been found to be with known people, so the important message to bring across is trust, and that anything can be said to you, no matter what children are told or how they may be threatened. Self-control is a valuable management skill that will take them far.

5.    A secure child wants to do things for themselves

As children learn about their environment and routine, what is expected and what is not acceptable, they naturally try to take on jobs, particularly those that involve and affect them. From choosing outfits and dressing themselves to reading parents’ text messages, these are definitely desired skills – in the right contexts. However, when there is little time to choose an outfit and then battle with buttons or zips, independence can be a huge source of frustration for any parent or carer trying to balance child-rearing with the external responsibilities of traffic, and uncompromising work or school hours. Taking time to read, helping themselves to food or drink, even tidying away on their own all have their place, and it is well worth the early time investment to allow opportunities for learning these skills, while finding the right balance.

How to meet this need safely:

In all these situation, explanations at child level work much more effectively than over-ruling their judgement. Helping children to understand that sometimes help is needed in order for them to do other things is a valuable lesson, not only to spare you precious minutes, but also to encourage and develop teamwork and co-operative skills. Sharing the load by compromising on which jobs you do and which job your child can do is a useful pattern for negotiation and delegation. Reading texts is a personal choice, that, like “mum’s handbag”, can either be everybody’s territory or only mum’s territory. Reading texts is useful when the parent/carer is driving or otherwise unable to use the phone, but unless you learn a second language, it can also limit your privacy considerably. Helping themselves to food and drink also fall in to the grey area, as this is helpful, but only when the food/drink are essential/healthy etc. A standard management technique for grey areas would be, like “mum’s handbag”, to allow only when permission is asked and given.

Raising a child can be hair-raising, especially when you stop and realise that the patterns that they see and imitate as children are patterns that they will use as adults. If you think about it, many patterns of things that we do as adults often come from the way our own parents or significant adults may have behaved – sometimes, the patterns we have are in deliberate opposition to a pattern we disliked! However, by recognising that there is a limited window of opportunity during childhood in which to prepare a new human being to learn to look after themselves successfully, potentially without us at some point, it becomes easier to see the value in small, early investments in time and opportunity. Children know inherently that they will one day be expected to do the things that we do, so they will be taking in our strategies all the time – and if we do not explain them, they will use their own limited view to understand them. As adults, we are often find out (much later!) that there are easier and better ways to do things. In raising another human being, if we can show them a short-cut, a better way, it may somehow make life a little easier for them.