5 secrets to co-active coaching I learned from observing my mum

How I learned coaching before I knew what coaching was

Freud theorised, and subsequent research supports, that

our adult personalities develop from our early childhood experiences - the biggest influences often being, our parents.

We are observant sponges, absorbing information and every nuance of behaviour as we learn to understand how people, and the world, work.

I hit the jackpot with a mother so sought after, I have to remind people I am her actual son!

I often tell people, any positive characteristic they find in me, is a gift from her. She has a way of making people feel safe, and seen. That allows them to be vulnerable in ways many have no other container for.

I’m on my coaching journey now, because a friend recognised natural elements in me that she sees in coaching, but honestly, I got those traits from watching my mum, be herself.

There are 5 guiding principles of Co-Active Coaching (1998); listening, intuition, curiosity, learning, and self management.

I found that it requires you to be in your feminine (the being), as well as the masculine (the doing), where I predominantly reside.

So join me, as I reflect on the 5 secrets to co-active coaching I learned from observing my mum leverage her feminine, how they are directly related to the co-active principles, and how she, and we, can use them in daily interactions.

Listening

This is probably her most obvious superpower. I suspect this was honed as a teacher. Though the role requires you to transfer information to another often by speaking, the feedback from her students suggest that to do that effectively, she pays close attention to the individual - what are their needs, strengths, and barriers? Effective methods for him, may differ from her.

To identify, you listen.

What kinds of questions do they ask? What do they respond best and worst to? And the Co-active method describes 3 levels of listening mum demonstrates naturally:

Level 1 (internal) is “what’s happening for me?”

It’s the internal dialogue that puts you in the centre, and encourages you to contribute your own thoughts and experience, and/or worse, interrupt.

This is how many conversations work but it isn’t coaching. Mum has a way of shutting this off to stay completely present, which is foundational to any form of coaching. The only times she contributes is when they’re initially greeting each other, or she asks if it would be helpful to them, for her to share. Even then, she’s fully prepared for the answer to be no, because at that moment, it's about them, not her.

Level 2 (focussed) is “what’s happening for them?”

This, for me, is where coaching really starts. Your focus is the client.

There’s no judgement, just undivided attention to what is being said. As the coach, your past, future, opinions and ideas don't show up here. You don't assume or project. You're present. Listening to every word, and in that moment, nothing and no-one else matters.

What I realised watching mum be mum is, very few people are granted the space for this in their daily lives.

They have dependents or have to show up in their communities or household. They put others first, and are so used to it that they don't realise they're not being fed.

Sometimes, people come away not having 'achieved' anything tangible, but feel fulfilled having had a space where someone puts them as a priority.

This alone, can be transformational.

Level 3 (global) is “what else is happening in the wider context?”

Your concern here is what's not being said.

On a course I took on communication, they mentioned Mehrabian's communication study, where he concluded that...

7% of meaning is communicated through spoken word, 38% through tone of voice, and 55% through facial expressions (though later iterations expanded this to body language).

As a coach, you might ask yourself questions like what’s happening in their tone? What are they talking about when they light up and lean forward, or slump, deflated, in their seat? When does their voice crack? When do they force a smile, or laugh when talking about pain? What’s happening with body language? When do they break eye contact on a certain topic? How is the environment affecting them? Are they present? Do they fidget when uneasy?

Watching mum pick up on signs easily missed made me more aware of my own tells as well as others.

One exercise on my course with AoEC - The Academy of Executive Coaching was to listen first at level 1, then 2, then 3. It was incredible what different kinds of information was received by making that attention shift.

Though not every conversation requires levels 2 and 3, observing mum's use of them is like watching a master at work.

As good as she is at listening though, the next secret is my favourite.

Intuition

I once witnessed someone come into mum's presence with a beaming smile and arms wide. They were what I'd call a thermostat as opposed to thermometer - the room met their energy, instead of the other way round.

While others shifted and caught the wave, what was her response?

“What’s wrong, dear?”... they instantly broke down.

I sat in awe - how did she see through that mask!?

What I’ve learned is that Intuition can come as a nudge. As a coach, we learn to listen to it, test it out with a client, and see what happens.

What we have to gain by being right far exceeds what we have to lose by being wrong.

It might sound like “what aren’t you saying?" "Is there something else?" "I get the sense there’s still something holding you back”.

The worst case scenario is we are wrong, and move on. The best case scenario is that we uncover the root, the vulnerable truth, and experience a transformative breakthrough.

One moment I remember from a session, is spending half of the time talking about one issue and getting the distinct feeling that it was all a distraction, so I said “as I hear you talking about this, I wonder what’s the real issue here”...

It was a risk, and I allowed the silence to take the stage, but as soon as their shoulders slumped and a sigh escaped from their lips, I knew I was right. It immediately opened up a much deeper topic I’m not sure even they had been conscious of. Though there was value in the session already, it paled in comparison to what was uncovered in those last 15 minutes.

Our role as a coach is to help a client find and hone what is already there.

I call my method the hero model, but that's for another day.

To find the gifts in any client requires...

Curiosity

This is actually a skill. For me, curiosity has no judgement or assumed outcome.

I think this is why people, not just clients, often stop me saying "why am I telling you all this" early on in our journey. The more my responses make it apparent that I accept their true self, the more of a safe space is created for them to let their true self out even more.

Curiosity seeks possibilities and is willing to go wherever it is taken, and everyone can learn it.

It assumes there is something else to be known, and is often framed as an open ended but powerful question.

One caveat. Parties must be willing to explore whatever the road leads to, which means a safe space must be set up first. I think I’ll cover this another day but what we call contracting - defining the relationship and goals around the coach and coachee - has to include requesting permission to explore possibly uncharted territory.

She’ll ask questions like how that feels and what has made this important to them now. What’s missing? What would a win win look like? Her questions are textbook, and I’ve developed my own.

Some of my favourites are “tell me more about [a/b/c]”, “what would be the impact of [x] if [y]”, “how would this affect other areas of your life?” or “how would you approach this if you had access to every resource?”?

The good thing is, they can be challenging and go a little further down a trail of thought than a client may have gone on their own, leading to some real lasting change.

Deep Learning and Forward Action

They say knowledge is power, but I'd argue that [applied] knowledge is power

Executive coaching closes the gap between a client's current performance, and their potential. Closing it for good requires a change in behaviour, and that requires deep learning and action

What we learn, and what we apply, greatly affects the reality of our lived experience. My guess is, that's why most choose coaching in the first place. We want to create lasting change in our, and other people's lives.

It’s the part where the client has a new perspective and takes the first step towards often uncharted territory. It holds the client responsible for their actions, and assumes they have the power and autonomy over their decisions, and the resilience to navigate whatever new territories they are about to venture into.

That means that the session needs to be all about the client. The coach has to regulate themselves to make sure it stays this way.

Self management?

I’ve seen it in her face a few times. She’d hold space for someone and they’d say something that sparks something in her. Somehow though, she doesn't interrupt or react. She’s remain calm, her face releases any tension and she stays in the room with the person.

What I do, I learned from her.

I had to learn to set my ego aside when in a session.

It wants to contribute from my own learnings and place me in the centre as the one with the key. I had to teach it that it’s not about me.

One of my biggest lessons in this came from a time I failed to self manage. I learned it the hard way.

I thought the road the client was going down was a negative one, but I really wanted them to explore the possibilities, so steered us in that direction. I could have argued that my intentions were good, but as they say, the road to hell is paved with those. It turned out that they needed to deal with the dark before they could explore the light, and I took away their agency to do that. Never again.

I vowed to be completely open to where the client wants, and needs to go.

I’m still working on this, but the simplest thing that helps me, is to pause. If I feel the urge to say “this is what I did” or “you should…”, I wait a few seconds, and the urge actually passes.

This has been a game changer for my self management in general, not just in coaching - the more time I leave between the trigger and the response, the more regulated I can be.

That’s not to say I ignore the emotions - I feel them - but I now understand what gurus mean when they say let the emotions pass through you. They often only last a few seconds unless you dwell on the thought, and once they pass, there you are, unscathed, and present, where all the action really is.

From there, I can ask questions like "what would you like to do/explore?" knowing they are capable of handling it, even if they don't. Sometimes, they just need a guide to show them they are

Final Thought

So, comment what elements of co-active coaching you see in yourself, struggle with, or need more of in your life?