5 Secrets to Being Heard

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable. “ David Augsburger.

A lot of my coaching and leadership development work with others centers around this fundamental need. I remember a moment so clearly, after I had facilitated a DISC session. A very lovely woman approached me, asking me whether or not I truly believed that someone who is not yet comfortable in speaking her mind assertively could possibly change this. I'm in learning and leadership development. Of course, my answer was yes.

Speaking to be heard is a skill, I told her. I used to sit in meetings filled with terror, practicing my point over and over in my head. Sweating. Heart beating. Hands shaking (for real). It took work- dedicated skill development work including workshops, mentors and stretch assignments. And my speaking/being heard skills have dramatically improved.

Years ago, I found leadership inspiration in my then almost 3 year old. She and I had fallen into this very clear communication process. When she would say something, she would expect me to repeat it. She DEMANDED to be heard and actually required proof (hence the need for me to repeat) to that effect.

Fundamentally, though, she was demanding to be understood. Sometimes, I didn't always understand her and I struggled to repeat. Here’s the difference between her and many adults that I have worked with. She wouldn't give up or let it go. She wouldn't go into resentment or silent treatment or passive aggressive behaviour or "well you should just figure it out" mode. She waited me out and just…….. repeated. Over and over and over. And looked at me….waiting, unapologetically for me to (1) GET it and (2) PROVE that I got it.  

Sometimes, I would pacify her and pretend that I got it and say things like “OH!!!! Right. Ok honey.” But she knew. She knew when I was faking my understanding and it was not enough for her. She wouldn't accept it.

Here are the 5 secrets I learned from her:

 (1) It's a Skill we Already Know!

Our desire and need (and our skills in making it happen) to be seen and heard is in fact 'home base' for us. It's reengaging with a skill that is innate and that we exercised quite proficiently in our much younger years. It is not 'outside of' our natural and typical communication methods. This may seem like a small mindset shift but it’s an important one when working towards living more authentically and speaking more effectively. What you are in fact doing when beginning the work of ensuring your needs and voice is heard and respected is “returning to” rather than learning a new skill.

Authenticity Actionable- Talk to your parents, siblings, old friends, teachers, etc. who knew you "back when." As them about what you used to do to get heard when you were younger.

 (2) Listen to Your Gut!   

This one's about awareness. Where frankly, any solid skill or leadership development begins. You don’t need anyone else’s permission or acceptance to listen to your gut. Your sensors will go off when someone is trying to pacify you. You will know. And it’s OK. Your experience of a situation is valid and you do not require someone else to validate your feelings. I've heard far too many people say things like- "Do you think that's an important point?" or "I don't think anyone else will agree with me." You are a human being with a perspective to offer. And your job is to offer up the best that you have to give. REGARDLESS of others' perspectives. So listen to your gut- it will viscerally tell you when you have something to add to the conversation.

Authenticity Actionable- Pay particular attention this week to any feelings of frustration, irritation, anxiety, fear and then ask yourself, do I have something to say, something to add to the conversation?

(3) The Losing Steam Cycle

The reason why we push so much to show evidence of being heard is because it is a fundamental need. And when our needs aren’t met, it creates energy seepage. We lose energy when we can’t show up authentically and who the hell has energy to waste? It's a vicious cycle. When we are improving our skill to speak effectively and be heard, we need all the energy we can get. And if we regularly do not speak our minds or get heard, our energy will be depleted.

Authenticity Actionable- Feeling blah? Disengaged? Tired? Take a little “seen and heard” audit and see if getting some evidence of being heard may be in order. What other needs of yours might not be being met? The more taken care of you can be, the more equipped you will be to work on your skill development. You can't poor from an empty cup.

 (4) There is a Difference Between Being Heard and Having Your Way

Don't mistake being heard with being right and having your way. When my little one was 2 year old, she was insistent on having chocolate for breakfast (I know….who the hell wouldn’t want chocolate for breakfast….but I had to do the 'parent thing' with this one and say no!!!). I could have just answered her request for chocolate by saying no. But that’s a response to a request. Humans don’t only want a response….they want evidence that you really GET the underlying feeling and desire behind the request. So, my willingness to say to her “Oh Olivia. I know that you really really want chocolate for breakfast. Chocolate is SO yummy and you wish you could eat it all the time cause it’s SO good. We can’t have chocolate for breakfast cause it might hurt your tummy. But I see how much you really want it!” makes a huge difference in her response. She didn’t ‘get her way’ but her most fundamental desire of being seen and heard was met.

Authenticity Actionable- Wait a minute.....how does this help me? I want to be heard more and so you're telling me to listen to OTHERS more? Yep! I'm gonna throw in a little "do unto others" with this one. A little "teach others how to treat you" kind of thing. A little 'model the way" so to speak! In conversation with others, pay particular attention this week to when you are only answering a request rather than showing evidence that you really GET the underlying feeling and desire behind the request. Notice how conversations feel when coming from this frame of reference

(5) Others' (Potentially) Good Intentions: Pacifying

When I tried to pacify her by pretending I understood her, it's because of the discomfort I had about knowing that I couldn't meet her need. My intention was good.

Authenticity Actionable- How might you react differently (in terms of how you communicate with those who let you down and don't make you feel heard) if you assumed those in your world who pacify you were coming from a similar intention?

Did you notice? No scripts. No step by step "how tos." Trust me that any attempt to rhyme off some "You aren't listening to me" script will be futile if you don't do the inner work first. It'll be worth the wait. I promise......