5 Ridiculously Useful Ways to Control Your Emotions Under Pressure

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Ding. An e-mail landed in Katherine’s inbox from her boss, Beth. Hey Kat, Mark just sent me the home page design. Let me know when you have time to discuss my comments.

You’ve got to be joking, she thought to herself. Doesn’t he realize I’m his manager? Katherine couldn’t believe Mark had gone over her head and sent Beth the designs without running them past her first. She felt hot and dizzy as her anger set in, and she shut her eyes in an effort to collect herself.

Six months earlier, Katherine had been promoted to senior user interface designer, and only a month after that, she’d been tasked with supervising Mark, who was new to the company. Katherine’s group was growing quickly, and she knew that learning to lead a team was one of the next steps on her career path, even though being a first time manager made her nervous.

Unfortunately, she hadn’t been able to get into a rhythm with Mark who had a very direct, dominant personality. He was extremely talented, but he was overly focused on advancing and eager to take all the credit when the team did a good job. Sometimes he seemed frustrated with Katherine, and he had even ignored her instructions in meetings. With the website launch for a major client just a few weeks away, Katherine had made it clear that all designs needed her sign-off before heading to her boss, Beth, the Creative Director. Mark going over her head felt like a slap in the face.?

Katherine could barely sit still as she tried to decide what to do. In a calm state of mind, the obvious answer would have been to address the situation with Mark directly, but Katherine’s Emotionality was dialed up so high that she worried about her ability to respond without yelling—or crying. She was supposed to be in a position of authority, but she felt like a victim of her own emotions.?

I’m overreacting, she thought. Mark’s the one who’s out of line, not me. Katherine decided to get back to Beth in a few hours, because for now, she needed to keep the launch on track. She clicked away from her inbox and back to the design she was working on, but she couldn’t concentrate, and her body felt shaky and unsettled. “It took me three full hours to regain my composure,” she told me later. “By the time I got my act together, the day was practically over.”

Like many of my clients, Katherine felt so overcome with emotion that she could neither handle the situation nor get anything else accomplished. Her Emotionality had gotten the better of her.?

As Katherine discovered the hard way, trying to avoid your feelings is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater—at a certain point the ball forces its way to the surface no matter how hard you try to keep it from bouncing up. As long as you can hold the ball underwater, the surface of the pool is smooth and serene, but with only one hand free, your actions and energy are restricted. And when you loosen your grip, the ball inevitably comes rocketing to the surface anyway, making a big mess.?

That’s because avoiding emotions doesn’t make them go away.

Instead, Sensitive Strivers who struggle with unbalanced Emotionality spend an enormous amount of energy pretending that everything is okay while silently brooding and trying to process the intensity of their reactions. On the other end of the spectrum, letting your emotions run rampant can be similarly disruptive and exhausting if you live life constantly at the whim of an ever-changing stream of feelings.

How then to find balance between trying to ignore your emotions or letting them run the show? The answer is learning to accept your internal reactions and to manage them better. Feeling deeply and experiencing a range of emotions is the reality of who you are, and I’m here to tell you that leaning into and embracing that quality can be a competitive advantage—if you know how to do so effectively.?

How to Control Your Emotions at Work

Get granular

You can’t manage what you can’t put into words, so define your emotions with specificity. For example, when clients tell me they feel overwhelmed by changing priorities at work, we explore it more. Do they feel disappointment because they think they’re unable to deliver results? Embarrassment because they’re concerned they’re letting their teams down? Studies show that naming your emotions immediately releases their grip over you. Labeling also gives you a deeper understanding of what happened, how it affects you, and helps you see the possibilities for what to do next.?

Create distance

Gain objectivity by writing about your emotions using the structure, “I’m having the feeling that I’m [emotion] because...” For example: “I’m having the feeling that I’m demoralized because I have so much on my plate and not enough time to accomplish it all.” Saying “I’m having the feeling that” helps you create distance from your feelings and trust that they are temporary inner experiences.?

Change your environment

Physically disconnecting from the situation always helps. Step away from your desk to take a walk, do a quick meditation from your couch or simply get up to grab a cup of coffee.?

Draw on your heroes

Most of us know people whose judgment or confidence we admire. Imagine how this person might respond to an emotionally overwhelming situation like being interrupted during a meeting or getting denied a raise, for example. What would they do? Thinking about the people in your life who inspire you can provide fresh insight that guides your decision about how to react.

Learn your triggers

Pay attention to the circumstances and people present when your Emotionality becomes unbalanced so that you can better anticipate and manage your reactions in the future. For instance, if you know being rushed sends you into panic, take steps to mitigate time crunches such as extending your team one-on-ones from thirty to forty-five minutes.?

Enjoyed this?

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