5 Reasons Women Feel Like Imposters

A few years ago I heard a story about a golden buddha statue that had been covered with clay as a disguise against invaders. As the years went by, people forgot there was gold and simply saw the clay buddha. One day they discovered cracks and saw the gold underneath.

This stuck with me in such a profound way because I could relate. All the pressures and lessons of growing up that were supposed to protect me were covering up who I was, in many ways.

Do you ever feel like that?

When you grow up learning how to get good grades, working hard and being rewarded with acclaim and praise, you carry those lessons into your adult life.

Suppose students were given a course exam at the beginning of the semester. Unless you were an expert in the subject at the beginning, your initial grades would be less than passing.

That’s kind of how it is to get a promotion or a new job. You’re starting from scratch, but nobody really tells you that. Instead, everyone assumes you already know everything and as such, you go along with the story.

So much pressure to perform.

As women, we are raised to be people-pleasers. We help when we’re needed, we learn to anticipate others’ needs so we can be everything to everyone.

We are taught to just say thank you, use our manners, to not make a fuss.

Fast forward.

You get a promotion or a new job. You may experience what’s commonly called Imposter Syndrome, or feeling like a fraud and afraid that someone will find out you really aren’t qualified.

Why do women especially feel this way?

If we begin to unravel some of the social conditioning, Imposter Syndrome begins to make sense. ?Becoming aware of lessons we learned when we were young helps us identify which stories we’ve outgrown and which lessons are valuable.

Just Say Thank You

When you’ve been brought up to just say thank you, whether you like it or not, to use your manners and not make a fuss, it’s a challenge to start speaking your mind. It’s subtle, too. Asking questions implies that you don’t know everything. By speaking up for yourself, you may be challenging the status quo or disagreeing.

?2. Don’t Brag

?When I was growing up, my mother quoted from Proverbs, “pride goes before a fall.” It was a terrible warning of all the unimaginable things that could come from being proud, having pride, thinking anything good about myself.

?How then are we supposed to be aware of our talents, skills, and achievements? Even in an interview or performance review, talking about our positive qualities feels suspiciously close to bragging, pride, and you know what happens next.

3.???? Workplace Rules vs School Rules

School was easy. Find out what to do, what to learn. Do it. Learn it. Get a good grade. There was definitely hard work, studying, putting in the hours.

Those aren’t the workplace rules of success. As you may have read in 7 Ways Working Harder Sabotages Your Career, trying to simply do more and do it all doesn’t translate to rewards in the workplace.

Unless you consider more work a reward.

When you’re putting in extra hours, whether in the evening or weekend, taking on more and never feeling caught up, you don’t feel successful. You likely feel like you’re just not getting it. You’re missing something because one job shouldn’t take all this time. Worse, the farther behind you get, the higher your frustration and burnout level, and the increased likelihood of errors.

No wonder you feel like an imposter.

(But not to worry, it’s the system that’s not working, you are likely doing well. I just want you to know that.)

4.???? Feeling Overwhelmed

The biggest challenge I’ve had while working with women over a decade has been to teach them to delegate. Never mind that delegating is a key to career growth, to learning to do higher level work, to creating a path to promotion.

Delegating feels like we can’t do it all.

Feeling like we can’t do it all also feels like failure.

Yet as time goes on, your original job becomes more than a single job. You learn more, take on more responsibility and continue to do everything else. You want to control everything that passes through your desk so you can make sure it’s perfect.

Controlling everything is impossible. Wanting to control everything leads to feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, frustrated, anxious, and depressed.

You try so hard. You work so hard. And there’s no end in sight.

Teaching someone to do part of your job can be terrifying. There are simple ways to get started and ease into delegating. You can read more in 7 Ways Working Harder Sabotages Your Career

5.???? Not Asking Questions

?In school we raised our hand because we had the answer, not because we wanted to ask a question. People who asked questions weren’t quite as smart, or so we thought. Look at any group, when asked if there are any questions. Silence.

?I grew up trained not to ask questions. That training included the knowledge that I was supposed to understand everything the first time, even what wasn’t said. That’s a lot of pressure.

This is part of our old baggage we take to work. Unpacking this and figuring out how to ask questions so we can understand our jobs better is a must. You’re also going to be setting an example for others that it’s okay to ask questions.

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Some practical tips:

o?? Always take notes. Pros take notes. Amateurs think they will remember.

o?? Review your notes to make sure you’re understanding and know the next steps

o?? Ask clarifying questions when you have a chance, to make sure your notes are correct

o?? Refer to your notes often. If you feel uneasy about your note-taking skills, check out The Secret to Note-Taking for Busy People.

Remember the golden buddha. The social conditioning and restrictive lessons we picked up along the way are like the clay that covered the valuable gold. Learning how to chip off the clay and reveal the gold underneath will help you work happier and more successfully.

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