5 Reasons Why Your Comfort Zone is a Barrier

Content warning: this post contains uncomfortable subject matter including but not limited to abuse, trauma, suicidal ideation, body dysmorphia, and disordered eating. It originally appeared on my blog .

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

There are probably people who are happy with everything exactly as it is. Perfectly content with life, the universe, and everything. People without a care in the world or a thought in their head. People who have an abundance of resources.?

All the privileges money can and can't buy.

People who have spent little to no time in fight-flight-freeze mode, survival mode, or crisis mode.

People whose lives are largely uneventful, even-keeled. Safe.

People who never make mistakes or who are never held accountable when they do.?

Perhaps there are people like that.

In fact, we know there are. You can find them in the Fiction section at your local library.

But for many of us, there are endless choices to make and barriers to overcome. We strive to challenge ourselves, stretch our muscles, our skills, our abilities. We learn and grow. We set goals and take responsibility. We understand there are consequences for our actions. We take regular self-inventories. We ask what's working, what's not, what's missing?

There are also people who are willing to be unhappy.

Or at least they have convinced themselves they're relegated to that. Maybe they are afraid, frozen by fear, or they have become too jaded to care.?Or maybe they believe they’re not worthy of an alternative.

I come from generational trauma, an assumed birthright of self-sacrifice and willful misery. That’s not an exaggeration. There were people around me waiting, willing, hoping to die. The models before me were dysfunctional in multiple ways: codependent, addicted, narcissistic, fractured, unstable, untrusting, irrational, manipulative.

That is to say, I learned what not to do in life and figured out most of the rest on my own.?

But first: The Duck Test

A therapist once recommended a book to me hoping it would give me some much-needed empathy.

It did, and I read it cover-to-cover twice.?

One of the things that most sticks with me from that book was a description of this scientific study about ducks - specifically mothers and their offspring.

It involved groups of biological and mechanical ducks. I suppose it was designed to illustrate the relationship and behavior changes over time between parent and child.?It also spoke to how difficult it is to break the cycle of abuse.

In the beginning the biological ducklings are right at mother’s side, gathered in a tight little cluster of dependence, never straying far from her care. As months pass and the biological ducklings grow, the physical distance between the ducklings and mother grows. The babies mature and become more independent. Mother gently nudges them along - pushing them out of the proverbial nest, preparing them for the life they will live beyond it. She teaches them how to survive and reminds them it is safe to be on their own.

The other group replaces the biological mother with a mechanical mother. She behaves differently. Instead of tender loving care, the mechanical mother duck pecks and squawks at the ducklings. She keeps an erratic schedule with food and preening. The babies follow her closely in the beginning, just like those in the group with the biological mother.

But over time, the space between them stays the same or shrinks. In spite of the abuse they suffer, they stay close. They are afraid to venture out into the world. Even when they know their interactions with the mechanical mother will be painful, they stay put. The ducklings don’t know the difference between a biological and mechanical mother. They are completely dependent, ever-trusting. They learn to endure.

Why am I sharing this story??

Because sometimes we stick with what’s familiar even if it’s harmful, because we know what to expect. The unknown is terrifying.

I’m also sharing because one of the boldest moves I ever made was creating distance from my biological family. I was genetically and socially predisposed to a life of chronic abuse, codependence, and fear. Literally every possible odd you can imagine was stacked against me - a buffet of DSM risk cofactors.?

The skills I developed while navigating such emotionally (and physically) turbulent environments helped me survive as a young person. But they impaired me as an adult.

I held myself back from so many opportunities. Something as simple as walking across campus would send me reeling into a panic spiral. All I could think about was how I might stumble or fall. It turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy more often than not.

Because of the way I was nurtured (or neglected, in many cases) I learned to exist in a lot of uncomfortable scenarios. My Comfort Zone was living inside my head, because that was the only safe space to be myself. I was afraid of just about everything else.

Over the years I have grown out of that fear, with the support of a mental health professional, a few chosen family members, and close friends. I have done a lot of internal and external work to pull myself out of that place.

Now, I lean into fear. When something scares me, I stare it right in the face.

When my gut burns hot and my voice shakes, I keep going, pushing through the fear. Because I know on the other side of that experience is personal growth.

That makes me uniquely qualified to speak about the Comfort Zone. This post breaks down the top five reasons that space is a barrier.

These come up in client conversations all the time.?

I’ve seen it enough to know the solution is usually for them to give themselves permission to step across the threshold. Sometimes their boundaries aren’t even actually theirs, they’ve inherited them from someone else.?

They carried them because they thought they had to. Like the ducklings, they couldn't see beyond that experience* to consider what might be possible on the other side.

5 Reasons Why Your Comfort Zone is a Barrier

Reason # 1: It's self-limiting.

How many times have you said the words, “I can’t…” or “I can only…”? These words don’t belong in your vocabulary when it comes to personal growth. They automatically cut out so much of what is possible, the negative, positive, and everything in between. By saying these words in your head or aloud, you are potentially robbing yourself of tremendous opportunity. If it’s not coming from a place of literal physical inability, then it’s not about ability at all. It is a matter of willingness. For accuracy, you might say, “I won’t” or “I will only…” or even, “I’m not ready to…” which sounds more like you’re drawing a boundary, a clear and willing parameter around what makes you feel safe. It tells others where that line is.?

How can you know what you’re truly capable of without challenging yourself??

Setting a cap or ceiling on your potential can and will stunt your growth. At the same time, perhaps growth is scary for you. You may be afraid of being judged or leaving people behind. I think we’ve all felt that in our lives at some point.?

A few examples from client interactions come to mind.?

One of my personal style clients , who is trans, told me she had resolved to never swim because she thought there were no swimwear options available to her. In that case, she could physically swim, and loved to do it, but she was unwilling to participate in the activity without feeling safe and comfortable in her body. Many swimsuit styles felt too revealing to her. But she had written off any possibility of other styles because she’d never seen them. She had not been shown alternatives. But that did not mean the perfect suit for her didn’t exist. If we couldn’t find one, the option to have one made for her was also available. She hadn’t thought of that! I showed her a variety of styles and we found just the right one. It was an iridescent mermaid scale print one-piece in her favorite colors - purple, blue, and silver - with a peplum-style skirt attached to give her the coverage she needed to feel safe.

Another style client thought she couldn’t wear wide leg pants because they would make her legs look bigger and her body look shorter. She had never tried them before, but had already ruled them out as an option. That also meant she had never experienced the comfort and joy of a linen blend wide leg on a hot summer day. Throughout our conversations, we realized that what she was really saying was, “I can’t take up too much space…” which she didn’t actually believe but had internalized based on things she had heard from other people. The first time she wore wide leg pants she said it changed her life. People complimented her left and right, but even better than that, she felt comfortable and stylish. She felt herself.

It’s interesting: the way our bodies experience fear is similar to how they experience excitement. And our brains don’t know the difference between a legitimate threat and a perceived one. This is especially true for survivors of trauma and abuse. “I felt like I was going to die…” is a common phrase that accompanies new or challenging experiences, and it’s true. Your body dumps cortisol and adrenaline when it feels threatened. Your heart races. You might even clench your teeth or hold your breath.

One of my personal brand clients was convinced she could not launch her business until every single thing was perfect and in order: her business plan, website, social media channels, service offerings and price points, her blog. She had been fantasizing about and planning the business for years but was so frozen by this self-limiting belief that she hadn’t taken any action at all. Her Comfort Zone was perfectionism, which meant she was uncomfortable a lot of the time. I explained that perfection doesn’t really exist and that to strive for it was futile. What would happen if she gave herself permission to take the first step? We talked through every major milestone at that level: one step at a time. Today, she is a full-time entrepreneur with an engaged audience and is already booking clients for 2023.

Reason # 2: It gives you a false sense of security.?

I am an Atheist but many of the teachings from East Asian philosophies and religions resonate with me. Namely, the acceptance of impermanence, that everything is temporary and ever-changing. Nothing lasts forever.?

The Comfort Zone acts as a kind of chronic cocoon, a shield from the outside world. It’s not so much the place we go to rest, it is more where we end up when we tire of exerting energy, putting forth effort. Where we collapse into exhaustion.?It is a safety net, a security blanket, an attachment to something that doesn’t exist in reality.

“Life is flux ,” right? Something will invariably disrupt that security. You will have to create new and different safe spaces as you adapt to those changes. Counting on things to never change is a fool’s errand.?

Wouldn’t you rather be open to receiving and experiencing whatever’s next for you, your best self?

Reason # 3: It prevents you from growing.?

I’m not here to sell you on the idea of self-improvement. You are either the kind of person who strives to grow and maximize your potential, or you’re not. The Comfort Zone is a concrete sidewalk. A weed or two may break through but, in general, there’s not a whole lot of life in there. Unless you’re a dandelion.?

The Comfort Zone is built around scarcity. It is a small, compact space in which we invest the bare minimum in ourselves. It’s where we go when we allow fear to keep us from experiencing the highest of highs because we dread the lows. It’s a black-and-white, all-or-nothing space where even dreams can’t penetrate.

It confines our experiences to ones we’ve already had. There is no mystery. No drama. No excitement. No ups or downs at all. It’s a plateau of wit and wonder.

When we live in our Comfort Zone all the time versus retreating to it only when we are feeling unsafe, we aren’t really living. We are tolerating life. Settling for meh. But when we work to define it, expand its boundaries, and find comfort within ourselves regardless of external circumstances, we have the chance to grow.

Here are a few examples from my own personal experience:

I have had a complex relationship with food my entire life. Growing up, the dinner table was the venue of choice for heaping portions of humiliation and shame. It didn’t take long to associate feelings of hunger with negative reinforcement. To the point where I would (and sometimes still) deny myself food to avoid any emotional consequences. For many years I preferred to eat alone, in secret, or not at all.

You can imagine someone with this history might feel uncomfortable in restaurants. Even snacking in safe environments, with people I trusted, felt risky. And anytime something negative happened or someone said something that could be perceived as critical and food was around, I withdrew, desperately wanting to disappear.?

Of course I have addressed this in therapy. I am recovering. But I also found other, more challenging and creative, ways to process my healing.

I made a list of activities I was afraid to do, that had to do with food, then I tackled them one by one:

• Acknowledging my disordered eating out loud, in writing
• Eating alone in a public setting
• Eating on camera
• Sharing pictures and video of me eating

Had I not done these things, I may not have experienced the outpouring of support and empathy I got from others who shared complex feelings about food. I may not have known the power and depth of my ability to challenge myself. Perhaps the most powerful thing to come out of these challenges was the opportunity to connect with others, to know that I wasn’t alone. It also helped them have the courage to share their stories about disordered eating. There are still people out there who need to see people eating, to remind them it’s a normal part of being a human, and that there is no morality or judgment attached to it.

Stepping outside my Comfort Zone in this way enabled me to take on other personal challenges with more confidence:?

• Wearing a crop top for the first time
• Posting a picture of myself in a two-piece bathing suit
• Showing up to a meeting without makeup on
• Sharing about my unique genetic anomaly (polydactylism ).?

Since doing those things and surviving to tell the tale, I no longer find them threatening.

I will do them again and again, and each time it gets easier. Now I have a growing crop top collection, more bikinis than one-pieces,?the first time I went live on Instagram, solo , I removed my makeup in real-time on-camera, and I’ve been holding and shaking hands with reckless abandon ever since (Covid restrictions notwithstanding).

Reason # 4: It encourages complacency.

Your Comfort Zone is a default mode, not unlike autopilot. It’s going through the motions without any real thought or intention behind them. It is a place to retreat to when you’re afraid of what lies ahead of you. It’s a way to avoid the hard stuff. For me, that sometimes means being reactive versus proactive about confrontation.

Confrontation is one of my least favorite activities. I’d rather not be involved when heightened emotions abound (especially if there’s yelling). It scares me and my trauma response kicks in. Sometimes it causes flashbacks so vivid it’s like I am right back to being 6,7,8 years old facing punishment or backlash for something outside my control. For breathing or standing wrong. I used to go out of my way to avoid confrontation. Often that resulted in me being walked on, taken advantage of, dismissed or disregarded. For a long time that’s what I thought I deserved.

I suppose part of my desire for continuous improvement could stem from feelings of unworthiness early in life. But as I’ve grown and matured I often challenge myself to help others see it’s possible to do so. I want to have an impact, leave the world a better place than I found it. That starts with cleaning up my own mess.

The first major intentional leap outside my Comfort Zone that I can remember is signing up for a volunteer program the summer before college started. It was a lot of social stimulation and required participants to stay in the dorms for a whole week before the other students arrived. I didn’t know anyone in the program, and I had never spent any length of time away from home on my own.

It ended up being one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. It helped me grow out of my social awkwardness (somewhat, it still lingers) and get out of my head. I was able to engage with strangers and turn them into friends. I learned a lot about the community we were serving and witnessed some humbling scenes.

By the time the semester started, I had a good grasp on the campus layout and no longer felt like a stranger in that environment. It was empowering!

A decade later, I attempted to crawl back into my Comfort Zone. I had been single for a few years and unexpectedly met someone I came to love. This is one of my only regrets in life, to this day: I attempted to break up with my now-partner out of fear that I was not worthy of his love. It’s true. I tried to give him an “out” - a free pass to call it quits before things got too serious and he found out who I really was: someone so passionate about work they often get lost in it, someone with a complex past riddled with trauma and neuroses, a person who deserves unconditional love but had never truly experienced it.

At that moment, I was perfectly okay with being alone, because in my mind that meant saving him from any future grief at my expense.

“What’s really going on here?” he asked.?

And I told him the truth: I was afraid. I’d built a life for myself and I wasn’t sure I was ready to make space for another person and their feelings. I knew I was capable of caring for someone and had had semi-successful relationships in the past. What held me back was the fear of being judged or misunderstood at some point. It was fairly early into our dating days, before the honeymoon period wore off and all was revealed in its true and unvarnished form. Vulnerability was just around the bend.

That experience taught me that being willing to be vulnerable is one of the strongest things a person can do. It’s also the most risky, but the rewards are worth it.

Reason # 5: It’s boring.

Your Comfort Zone is not the sum of all the things you do to make yourself feel comfortable. Those activities are more about self-soothing.?

The Comfort Zone is usually a lack of action. Like a movie with heavy dialogue and a slow build, prolonged anticipation of what can only be described as an anticlimactic end. A multi-segment documentary about a trending pop culture subject that’s been covered and rebooted ad nauseum. It’s using a cookie cutter when it could be way more fun to form shapes by hand, one at a time.

It’s doing things “because they’ve always been done this way.”?

Sometimes it is enduring decades at a soul-sucking job because at some point someone said that’s the best you could ever do. It’s doing nothing instead of something about the things that don’t engage or inspire you.?

Here’s a hot take: not all drama is bad!?

And what about surprises?

A lot of clients come to me in “t-shirt and jeans” or “tunics and leggings” mode. It’s not because they love those styles, necessarily (some do!). In many of these cases, it is more likely they have simply checked out, stopped making self-care a priority. They express feeling “lost” or “out of touch” or “stuck” and it’s painful for them.?

Part of our work is about reframing: instead of what if it sucks, I challenge them to ask what if it rocks? I create space so they can give themselves permission to play and have fun, take risks and experiment and learn and grow.?

My personal brand clients know this well, too. When they’re unhappy at work, I ask them to be more specific. We drill down into exactly what is causing the dissatisfaction and create an action plan focused on the things they can control. Some clients need a visual aid to break it all down for them: in those situations I create a needs/wants matrix that helps them build a framework for decision making. We spend time talking through “dealbreakers,” the things they are unwilling to compromise on going forward. Then I walk them through how to apply those insights in practical ways: in job interviews, networking strategies, and more.?

Even people who consider themselves wallflowers, people who would rather blend into the background than draw attention, can benefit from transcending their Comfort Zones. Taking these kinds of actions helps you become more self-aware. It helps you set clearer and healthier boundaries. And ultimately, it helps you lean into who you really are instead of some generic facsimile thereof.?

I live for the light bulb moments. Those are the times where the world seems to stop for a split second and open up to reveal something special: a person in their element, exactly who they are, teeming with style/gender/career euphoria.?

* It’s important to acknowledge here that historically excluded communities, disabled and neurodiverse populations, and other marginalized groups may have different needs and expectations when it comes to comfort. They may not feel safe transcending certain boundaries because there are real and perceived threats to their physical and emotional safety based on their identity. I also want to acknowledge that I am a cisgender white woman with access to financial, healthcare, and other resources which are not equitably available. I am not speaking for everyone. I can only share my lived experiences and observations of those around me, including my clients, many of whom have been historically excluded, discriminated against, or outright rejected because of their identity.

I also want to acknowledge that while I have been trained in trauma-informed care and advocacy, I am not a licensed mental health professional and this content should not be interpreted in any way as medical advice.

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If you’re interested in hearing more from me on this topic, check out this video replay of a recent event I hosted.

I would also encourage you to consider joining my private community, Be Boldly You , for access to other no-cost educational events, including replay videos. All women, femmes, nonbinary, trans, and queer folks are welcome!

By the end of this 80-ish minute video, you will have learned:

• The difference between self-soothing and self-limiting activities, beliefs
• The top 5 reasons why your Comfort Zone is a barrier (to personal and professional development, self-awareness, confidence, and success)
• How to define your own personal Comfort Zone and push yourself beyond it
• Insights and tips on how to be comfortable being uncomfortable

I share a mix of highly personal stories and anonymous client anecdotes to help put everything in context.

This specific topic was selected by members of my private community, Be Boldly You . At the beginning of each month I post a content poll with a robust list of options and then build a no-cost educational event around the topic that receives the most votes. These events take place toward the end of the month, usually on a Wednesday or Thursday, at 4pm Pacific.

Past event topics include Virtual Thrifting, Closet Purging, Bra Fitting, Wardrobe + Shopping Trauma, Identifying + Defining Your Personal Style, Personal Style Icons vs. Style Influences, Strategies for Shopping + Thrifting for Clothes, Personal Branding, The Thrifting Economy, and more. If there is a topic you’d like to see me cover in a future event, reach out with your idea and I’ll consider adding it to my next content poll for consideration!

EDITORIAL CORRECTION: In this video I say that the first time I did karaoke was at age 18. That is not true. The first time I did karaoke was at age 14. Technically I was underage and should not have been in a bar, but that’s a story for another time.