5 Quick Steps To Master Yourself & Your Relationships (Try This)

"In emotionally charged situations, you don't want to use the techniques you know will make things better. Good intentions go out the window."

That's a quote from the author of 'Conscious Business', Fred Kofman, who I interviewed a couple of months ago. He's completely accurate, of course; how often do you stop in the middle of an argument to take a deep breath and think about what you're going to say?

If you're a living, breathing human, the answer is probably never.

In situations of high intensity, we are prone to irrational thinking. And what does emotional intelligence require? Rational thinking. This is why we so often neglect our training in emotional intelligence when we need it most.

You could learn all of the most effective tools, techniques and strategies for managing your emotions – but in the heat of the moment, you're unlikely to reach for any of them.

Regulating our emotions in the heat of an argument is like learning to swim in the middle of a hurricane. It's not impossible, but it's much harder than it needs to be.?

And that isn't an unnatural thing; it's just not a helpful one. We want to be able to manage our emotions when the stakes are highest, don't we? So, let's take a step back and learn how to manage our emotions in a way that will be more effective in high-intensity situations.

What Is Emotional Mastery?

If you've been following along for each week of our series on Fred Kofman's Conscious Business, you'll know that we have been covering the seven qualities of conscious leadership.?

Emotional Mastery is the seventh; it's the culmination of all the other qualities, and it's what allows us to lead authentically and effectively from the inside out.

Emotional mastery, at its simplest, is the ability to respond to emotions in a conscious way. And not just during your morning meditation, where your mind is at ease and you're in control, but also when you're feeling overwhelmed by anger or sadness or fear.

It's about understanding your emotions, and the emotions of others, in order to create a more conscious and productive workplace. It's also about managing your own emotional state so that you can stay centered and focused, even when things get tough.

The Two Responses to Trauma

The first concept to gain clarity around is how we, as humans, respond to trauma. You have likely heard of 'fight or flight'. These two responses are popularly known as the only ways we deal with a threat – but in actuality, they are not the only options.

In situations where we are threatened, criticized, ridiculed, or something is taken from us, our mind enters a state of scarcity. All of our resources – physical, emotional, and mental – become focused on protecting ourselves.?

This is where we commonly fall into automation, and either move into a fight or flight response. On an evolutionary level, these responses exist to keep us safe.

Alternatively, we can freeze or fawn. When we freeze, our bodies go into a state of paralysis and we become unresponsive, unable to take any action. Fawning is the complete opposite; we become overly accommodating and do everything in our power to please the other person, in order to avoid any type of confrontation or conflict.

Neither of these responses is healthy, nor do they lead to productive or positive outcomes. In fact, they can often lead to further trauma and emotional wounding.

Emotional mastery is about finding the root cause of these automatic responses, rather than simply reacting to them. It's about being able to understand why we're feeling a certain way, and then responding in a way that is conscious and productive.

Mastering Your Emotions: The Five Necessary Qualities

The concept of emotional mastery certainly does not suggest bypassing your natural responses, nor does it imply that said responses are unnatural. But there are steps you can take – real, actionable steps – that can help to bring calm into the eye of your storm.

Think about those moments in which you feel yourself most emotionally hijacked. What are the thoughts that precede them? What are the sensations in your body? What do you say to yourself?

Oftentimes, you wish with all your might that rationality could take the wheel. You say hurtful things to your partner in the midst of a bad fight; you lash out at colleagues in misplaced frustration; you berate yourself for being weak or unworthy. These are the moments in which you need emotional mastery the most.

In order to work effectively with your emotions, you need to develop five basic competencies: self-awareness, self-acceptance, impulse regulation, self-inquiry, and self-expression. Let's explore each one in more depth.

1. Self-awareness is the ability to be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations in any given moment. It's the foundation upon which all other emotional competencies are built. The more aware you are of what's going on inside of you, the easier it will be to manage your emotions.

2. Self-acceptance means accepting yourself – your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations – just as they are. It doesn't mean that you like everything about yourself, or that you're always happy with what's going on inside of you. But it does mean that you're willing to be with yourself, no matter what.

3. Impulse regulation is the ability to manage your impulses in a healthy way. It's about being able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings without reacting impulsively. When you're able to regulate your impulses, you're less likely to say or do things that you'll later regret.

4. Self-inquiry is the practice of asking yourself curious questions about your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. The purpose of self-inquiry is to gain insight into what's going on inside of you; it allows you to explore your emotions in a non-judgmental way, and from an unbiased perspective.

5. Self-expression means being able to communicate openly and honestly with others, without fear of judgment or retribution. Authenticity is key in self-expression – it's about being genuine and true to yourself and others, even when it's uncomfortable.

Of course, developing these five competencies takes time and practice. But they are undoubtedly the key to conscious emotional mastery.

Combating Anger With The Power of Forgiveness

Before moving into five more crucial qualities, there's a key takeaway from Kofman's book that will help you to process anger and guilt: forgiveness.

In the corporate world, we come across instances that frustrate or anger us all the time. Perhaps your co-worker consistently misses deadlines, or your boss micromanages your every move. How you react to these situations largely determines how successful you will be in mastering your emotions.

Reaction 1: Holding Grudges

Of course, what most of us do – for better or for worse – is harbor resentment and bitterness. It feels like, if we don't hang on to our anger, then we're somehow condoning the other person's bad behavior.

The problem with this line of thinking is that it only serves to poison our own minds and relationships. Not only do we end up feeling bitter and angry, but the people around us pick up on our negative vibes and start to avoid us. Before long, we're isolated and alone.

Reaction 2: Forgive and Let Live

The common phrase, 'forgive and forget', gives forgiveness a terrible rap. It implies that wrongdoing should breeze right past you like a feather in the wind, with no consequences and no lessons learned.

But that's not what forgiveness is about at all. True forgiveness is a deliberate act of the will, something that we choose to do, even when it's hard. It doesn't mean that we condone the bad behavior or forget what happened; it simply means that we release the anger and resentment that's eating away at us.

When we do this, something miraculous happens: we free ourselves from the anger and pain that has been wreaking havoc with our emotions, relationships, and communication. We're then able to move forward, unburdened by the past.

Now, you don't necessarily need to alert someone to the fact that they're forgiven. Often this will come out naturally in the way you treat them going forward. Reconciliation is certainly an option – but it's not a requirement. The most important thing is that you've released yourself from the anger and resentment.

5 Steps For Navigating The Emotions of Others

Speaking of forgiveness toward others, let's now explore some of the steps you can take to handle the emotions of others. It isn't always enough to have mastery over your own emotions. It's like driving a car; you can be the best driver on the road, but there's always the chance that another driver will cause you to lose control.?

The same is true for emotions. You can be emotionally competent and in control most of the time, but there are always going to be situations in which other people's emotions affect you; it's simply part of the human experience.?

That said, there are five important competencies for handling others' emotions:?

1. Recognition.?

You won't understand how other people feel 100 percent of the time, even if you're an empath. But remember our past discussion of ontological humility – everyone is experiencing life in a unique way, and you need to recognize that other people's emotions are just as real to them as your own emotions are to you.?

Now, this also involves realizing that the way you interpret someone's emotions may not be accurate. It's actually a cognitive distortion to assume that you know how someone else is feeling; we are not mind-readers, and we can only infer how someone is feeling based on their words and actions.

Instead of saying, 'I totally understand how you're feeling,' try something like, 'It sounds like you're really upset. Can you tell me more about what's going on?' This shows the other person that you aren't assuming to know how they're feeling, and it gives them an opportunity to speak their mind more fully.?

2. Acceptance.?

In order to work with someone else's emotions, judgement needs to be taken off the table completely. You cannot hope to help someone else if your mind is already made up about how they should feel, or how they should act.

If you've ever been on the end of someone's judgement, you know how invalidating it can feel. 'Why didn't you do this?' 'Why don't you just get over it?' 'Chin up, it's going to be okay.' Statements like these do nothing but make the person feel worse.

Acceptance, on the other hand, is all about validating someone's emotions. Saying things like, 'I'm sorry that happened. That must have been really tough for you,' or 'I can see that you're really angry. It makes perfect sense that you would feel that way,' shows the other person that you understand and empathize with their emotions.?

3. Diffusion.?

The last thing you want to do when interacting with an emotionally-charged person is to match their intensity. All it will achieve is to escalate the situation – and that's a nasty place to begin any kind of resolution process.

Believe it or not, the best antidote to an emotionally charged person is your own sense of balance and calmness. Defusing the situation by remaining cool, collected and in control will help to soothe the other person and eventually bring them back down to earth.

You can also defuse a situation further by simply giving the emotional person a chance to speak their mind. Who knows how long they've been bottling up those feelings? Allowing them to express themselves in a safe and judgement-free environment can be incredibly cathartic for them.

4. Open Inquiry.

When you understand the story behind the emotion, you can take appropriate action to address it. Everyone's got a story. It's what your thoughts are telling you when you feel that emotion. It might be the story of your frustrating morning, or a story that reminds you of your childhood.

The key is to ask open-ended questions that allow the person to elaborate on their feelings. This will give you a deeper understanding of what's driving their emotional state, and it will also show them that you're truly interested in helping them.

You might ask:

• Where did this all begin?
• What's going through your head right now?
• What is your main concern?
• What are you most afraid of?
• How does this make you feel?

Most of the time, people just need a safe place to talk and untangle their knotted emotions. Asking the right questions will help to provide that space.

5. Listen.

The most important thing you can do for someone in emotional strife is to listen. Don't talk; listen. Let them pour their heart out to you, and actively note everything they say.

Why? Because dealing with another person's emotions also affects your own state of mind. Listening to someone else's problems can be emotionally draining, but it lets you gain context and understanding about their feelings. It also allows you to provide support in a way that feels authentic and valuable.

Don't just nod and offer empty platitudes; actually listen to what the other person is saying and try to see things from their perspective. Doing so will help you to resolve the situation in a more meaningful way.

Wrap-Up

It's been a fascinating journey through the seven qualities of conscious leadership, and emotional mastery is an excellent way to round out the series. Without mastery over our emotions, we cannot reach for emotional tools in the moments they are needed most.

Emotions are incredibly complex and beautiful things; they are the glue that hold relationships together, and they are the fuel that powers our lives. When we can master our emotions, we open up a new level of possibility for ourselves and those around us.

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