5 questions for better working & living

?In the Arena is LinkedIn News’ weekly human potential podcast hosted by?Leah Smart . You’ll hear from some of the world's brightest minds and bravest hearts about how to show up daily to live a better & more meaningful life. Subscribe to the show's newsletter here . This week, bestselling author,?Eve Rodsky ?joined for a?conversation about finding your unicorn space by taking interest in your own life and completing the "curiosity, connection, and completion" cycle .

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What does it mean to be interested in your own life?

This can feel like a big question to consider over your morning coffee. It’s like the box of messy papers you shove into the back of the closet because you both can’t throw them away and dread looking through them. But what if the question is less about a specific answer and more about a consideration?

In my personal experience, it took a wake-up call to be initiated into this kind of exploration. Partially because I was always busy. I spent so much time buried by plans and to-do lists, that checking the boxes became “the stuff of life”. In my conversation with Eve Rodsky, she summed up that we all play so many different roles in the lives of others, from the time we start our days to the time they end, that there is little space left for self-interests. And as women, we are haunted by the possibility of being labeled as selfish. ??

But I want to offer something more, that I found true when it came to this question of taking interest in my own life: somehow it felt entirely foreign and a little scary to explore my inner world.

So, how about a simple (less scary) way for you to start this process? Beginning with setting aside all the roles you play in your life as a friend, employee, partner, parent, spouse, fur-parent, child, or colleague. Why? Because so many of us, if asked who we are, would center one of these roles in our answer. And while it’s an element of us, it’s not the whole story. We are much more.

The Lost Art of Questioning

One of the most powerful experiences of my life was meeting 24 timid and curious strangers who were embarking on the journey of becoming life and leadership coaches alongside me. What many of us didn’t realize was that to become a skilled coach, you must get good at being coached.

There’s a reason that part didn’t come easy for most of us.

Children are naturally inquisitive. The average preschooler asks as many as 100 questions each day, according to A More Beautiful Question, a 2016 book by Warren Berger. But by middle school, that natural curiosity is rewarded less and less; instead, it’s more important to be?right, to regurgitate information for homework assignments and tests. They stop asking questions.

By middle school, we’re ushering in “getting it right” and ushering out “wondering why”.

So it’s no wonder that I, along with these 24, nervously-excited adults, shifting awkwardly on the uncomfortable chairs of a hotel meeting room, were ready to “pass” coaching. We were not prepared for six months of rebuilding the lost art of question-asking. And not just any questions, but ones that stirred up deep emotions. Those first few days together were raw and intriguing, followed by a tedious month away before our next training weekend.

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But what quickly emerged for me was that I could turn these questions on myself, alone. I could also make it fun to explore. I had to. So when I posed the questions, I pretended I was not me, but a sleuth. Leah got investigated from a distance. Changing my vantage point on this practice made it easier to approach.

5 Questions for Any Challenge

There were 5 questions that I kept coming back to, which continually led me to the root of my challenges. As they say in coaching, the presenting topic is never the real topic, so finding answers requires exploring with more questions. Eve Rodsky said her “blueberries breakdown” was not about the blueberries it was about something else entirely.

Here are the 5 questions and what they illuminated in my experience:?

1.?What do I want? This tells you where your inner compass wants to point.

2.?What is my desire telling me about myself? Identify your values right here.

3.?How am I getting in my own way? What you're doing instead of what you want.

4.?And, how else? Keep digging.

5.?So what’s next? Identify yourself as the solution and pick one small move.?

You can use these tools in any experience where you’re challenged or stuck. They can be walked through in 5 minutes or 5 days. And they work in many environments. Try replacing ‘I’ with ‘we’ and bringing them into conversation with your team or family. A lot more information is revealed in the process of asking these questions, than rushing to copy & paste answers that will only get you more of the same outcomes. ?

Additionally, these questions also invite voices to the table whose ideas may not otherwise be centered or heard. Surprisingly, that ignored voice can simply be an unexplored part of you.

After our first month together as coaches-in-training, we showed up at the Renaissance Hotel in Times Square more like toddlers. We boisterously piled into the dim hotel room, hopping into our seats with vigor. Our eyes were wide as waited for the facilitators to reveal where we’d go together this time. Each of us, ready to find out more about ourselves through each other.

As it turns out, my wake-up call led me to a world of possibility I easily could have missed. I realized I was afraid to ask the kinds of questions that would change my life. But the discovery hasn’t always led to a jaw-dropping decision. The memorable transformations have been subtle rebellions and tiny revolutions with outcomes that outsized them.