5 questions to ask before you take that comment personally

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5 questions to ask before you take that comment personally

By Gwen Moran

We’ve all been there. The day is going along innocuously enough. Maybe you’re in a meeting or a quick huddle with your boss. Then, it hits you like a sucker punch: that nasty comment, barb, or insult.

At first, you question whether you heard it correctly, but deep down you know you did. But what do you do next? Just letting it go doesn’t feel right. After all, if there’s a problem, you want to know about it and clear the air. But addressing it in the moment can feel confrontational and possibly escalate the situation, depending on the circumstances. “So often, because we’re human, we tend to code things in these very emotionally complex situations,” says evolutionary biologist and stress physiologist Rebecca Heiss. We’re afraid of failing and also afraid of rejection, she adds, so sometimes we make things more complex than they need to be. Before assuming the worst—or assuming anything, for that matter—it’s a good idea to stop, breathe, and ask a few questions to get clear about the next best steps.

1. WHAT WAS HAPPENING WHEN THE COMMENT WAS MADE?

Just because someone is having a bad day or is in a stressful situation doesn’t mean it’s okay to lash out at others. But it’s also easier to muster empathy if you know that the person is feeling stressed for some reason, Heiss says. Time pressure, job or personal challenges, or other factors that you may not know about can cause someone to have an unusually short fuse or say something sharp.

Similarly, if you’re feeling stressed, you may be in an emotionally heightened state where you’re taking something personally that might not have been meant that way. So, look at the circumstances of the moment and consider whether there were factors that could have contributed to miscommunication, she says.

2. IS THE COMMENT PART OF A PATTERN?

Think about the other person’s communication style, says life coach Bayu Prhandito, founder of Life Architekture. “Is this comment a one-off, or is it part of a regular pattern?” he asks. If it’s recurring—either in general or with you, in particular, there might be a bigger issue that needs to be addressed.

Or it may be a different communication style . “First, it’s crucial to understand that everyone has a unique communication style, influenced by their personality, cultural background, and personal experiences. Sometimes, what might seem like a personal dig could just be a reflection of someone’s blunt communication style,” he says.

3. WHY DO THE WORDS FEEL PERSONAL?

Sometimes, a comment may feel personal because of our own issues, says psychotherapist Mary Dobson, founder and CEO of Lift Wellness Company, a psychotherapy group. Think about why the comment felt so sharp. “Is this an issue that I’m particularly sensitive about or that I have some work to do on? Or is this something that is, objectively, related to myself and this other person?” she says.

Think about how you would interpret the comment if it was aimed at someone else, Prhandito says. When you think about the content of the comment, was it about your work or about you, as a person??“Constructive criticism about your work can help you grow, while personal attacks are usually inappropriate and unprofessional,” he says.

4. WHY DOES THE COMMENT FEEL PERSONAL?

We may take things personally because our reputation “is our most important thing to protect,” Heiss says. If a comment is said in front of others, it may feel like damage is done to your reputation and make it feel more personal, she adds. But, sometimes, negativity bias can influence us in taking something to heart when it wasn’t meant that way.

5. SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

Even if the comment was simply a result of stress or differing communication styles, you have a couple of options. If you’re not entirely sure what the other person meant, you can ask for clarity. “Remember that it’s okay to ask for clarification if a comment is unclear or feels personal. Open communication can often clear up any misunderstandings and develop more transparent relationships,” he says.

If you’re hurt or angry, give yourself some time to cool down and gather your thoughts, Heiss says. Sleep on it and find a time when you can speak with the person privately and express how you felt. “Make sure you’re not calling out the person who insulted you or made you feel lousy in front of a group,” she says, or you may create a conflict that can escalate. But share how you felt about the comment to help foster better communication going forward, she says.

If the comments aren’t abusive, but a clash of styles, empathy might go a long way, Dobson says. “I like to remind people that everyone is so preoccupied with themselves, and most people are not intentionally trying to hurt us. People are caring a lot,” she says. “Let what can be overlooked, be overlooked, and if it’s truly a repeat occurrence, addressing it head-on, but with an atmosphere of sensitivity and compassion may be the answer.”

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