5 powerful learnings on listening from my Lifeline training

This year, one of my goals was to give back to my community in a more tangible way. I wanted to find something I cared deeply about and could meaningfully contribute to. As a people professional, I believe in the power of conversations and the statistics on suicide - both in Australia and around the world - have always struck a chord with me. With Easy Agile offering 4 paid days of volunteer leave a year, I began my journey to becoming a Lifeline Crisis Supporter.

This experience, alongside my IECL coaching training, has forever changed the way I listen. Against all instincts, I have learned not to offer advice, not to jump in and not to avoid hard questions. Instead, I have discovered the power of leaning into meaningful conversations that uncover the important (and often uncomfortable) stuff that is part of the human experience.

Here are some tips and tools I have learnt and am committed to practising. I believe they can be useful for all areas of life, whether that be with your leader, your team or with your friends and family.?

1 - Hold space to hear feelings?

Echoing or reflecting how people are feeling is a powerful way to show people you are listening. It acknowledges and validates how somebody is feeling, gives them permission to sit with that emotion and signals to people you are open to holding the space to have an emotional conversation. Sometimes all people need is somebody to hear how they are truly feeling.

Examples:

• I can hear how important this is for you and how much you care
• It sounds like this is a difficult time for you
• You’re feeling really overwhelmed <or insert emotion they are feeling>
• There’s a lot going on for you at the moment
• You don’t know what to do next and you’re feeling quite stuck

2 - Use open questions to dig deeper

Often in conversations, what’s first said isn't the thing people really want or need you to know. It’s important to use open questions to open up the conversation and dig deeper into the important stuff beneath the surface. People will tell you if they don’t want to go further. Try to only ask one question at a time - no double or triple barrel questions, please!

Examples:?

• You’ve mentioned you’re feeling really X, tell me more about that.
• What’s that like for you?
• Can you say more on X?
• I can hear X, how’s that been for you?
• What does X mean to you?

3 - Summarise what you’re hearing to check your understanding

It can be incredibly validating for the person you’re listening to when they hear you summarise or paraphrase what you’ve been hearing. It ensures you are hearing what really needs to be heard, and if you haven’t properly understood, it also provides the opportunity for some course corrections.

Examples:?

• From what I am hearing it sounds like X, Y, Z
• I think what I’ve heard today is X, Y, Z
• It sounds like you’ve been going through X,Y,Z and it’s causing you to feel A,B,C
• Thanks for sharing with me. I can tell you are feeling A,B,C and you X,Y,Z…
• As I’ve been listening to you, your main concerns seem to be X,Y,Z

4 - Silence is your friend

Do I have any fellow pals who feel uncomfortable in silence? Silence has been a hard one for me to practice but I’ve witnessed how powerful it is.

Examples:

• Count to 3 in your head before responding?
• Use minimal encouragers such as a “mmm” or a slight nod to show your listening and present in the conversation without needing words

I am amazed at how often people continue their story when I count to three in my head or nod. This simple practice has opened paths and created space for so many important things to be said.

5 - Recognise people are the experts in their own life

As friends, partners, parents, leaders, teammates and humans, we often feel the need to know all the answers, to help or to offer advice. It’s hard and the urge is strong. This TED talk on “how to tame your inner advice monster” and this First Round article on coaching instead of fixing both articulate this point succinctly. Adding value to a conversation doesn’t require you to offer your advice or to do any fixing. I’ve left this point until last because I think that the best place to start is by simply holding space for somebody, using the tips above. After that, try having a strengths-based approach and empower the person you have in mind to do what feels right for them. But remember, not all conversations need a “resolution” or a “next step”, sometimes people just want to feel heard.

Examples:

• What would that look like for you?
• What’s one option for you (and what else)?
• I am hearing there is a lot going on for you at the moment, what do you think you most need right now?
• What would be most helpful for you right now?

I hope the above tips impact your listening skills as much as they’ve impacted mine. You’ll be surprised by how little you need to say to actually be helpful to others. Less is more. Above all else, I hope these learnings help you to hold space for important human conversations because the world needs more people to listen so we can all begin to feel truly heard.

If you’ve got any powerful listening tips or have any wins/reflections/learnings from the above, I’d love to hear!