5 Most Important Skills for Setting Boundaries
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Abe Brown, MBA, M.R.Ed, PCC Most of us need to work on our boundaries. Without a firm set of personal guidelines in place for what we deem appropriate and acceptable, it becomes all too easy for the world to impose its demands on us. For this reason, you need boundaries that you abide by and reinforce when necessary. In this article, I share the five most essential skills for setting boundaries. Keep reading to learn more.?
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries are critical to living a high-quality, drama-free life. They create a sense of personal security that we all need if we’re going to flourish. And here’s the thing: they don’t just apply to dealing with personal issues. Boundaries apply to everything in every area of your life. You need to set and reinforce your boundaries when it comes to your:
Essentially, anytime you’re dealing with other human beings, you’ll have to have firm personal boundaries you’re willing to defend. Your boundaries represent what you’re comfortable with. They are the personal standard (that only YOU) can set and reinforce.?
5 Skills to Set Your Boundaries?
Think of boundaries as your standard of how you want others to treat you. They set the tone for whatever type of relationship you may be engaged in. As a result, they are foundational, so it’s essential to communicate them with others and ensure that you stand up for yourself if and when they’re violated. Here are five simple tips to help you set your boundaries:
1. Know Your Personal Boundaries
We all have an internal dashboard that regulates our emotions and tells us whether we’re safe or not. The question is: Are you in tune with your dashboard? If someone treats you poorly or sets you off emotionally, are you aware of your thinking and what’s being triggered inside you? Why does having this understanding matter? Socrates once famously said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Here’s the deal…
I think what he was trying to get at was that we’re not just beasts running around, being driven by instincts, thoughts, and emotions. That’s not a healthy way to live, as it just creates more stress in our lives. Unfortunately, that’s how many people conduct themselves on places like social media. If you need to unplug from those platforms to gain clarity in your life, that would be my recommendation.?
You don’t need to go on social media to find out what everybody else is thinking. How about sometimes, we unplug and find out what we’re thinking??
2. Ground Yourself in Preparation
Once you know and have clarified your boundaries, you need to prep yourself to maintain those boundaries. You have to do the heart work to keep yourself in a place of mental and emotional health. This is what it means to “ground” yourself. Think of it like a tree. Grounding is similar to the way a tree sinks its roots deep into the ground to stay secure during a storm.?
Now, in the challenging times of our lives, especially when the challenges are with other people, we tend to look outward for that sense of grounding. But the question is: have you gone deep? Have you done the internal heart work? Are you being like that tree?
When you tap into your boundaries, you’ve got to tap into your root system. When we think of our “roots,” we think of our cultures, traditions, or country we grew up in. And fair enough. But what I’m referring to in this context of grounding is the things YOU do individually to prep yourself. Here are some of the activities I use to ground myself:
These are the activities that work for me. However, they are only suggestions. Just because something works for someone doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for someone else.?
3. Notice the People and Places That Drain You
Energy management is a critical part of setting boundaries. Now, notice I didn’t say you have to cut these “people” or “places” out of your life. For some of us, that may not be practical. Depending on your position in life, you may find that many people and places drain you. Maybe you have a leadership role as a coach, counselor, social worker, or nurse.?
Sometimes, the relationships connected to these kinds of roles pull on you more than they give to you. But no matter who you are, most of us can neatly divide the world into drainers and replenishers. But here’s the thing: I don’t want you to think that’s negative.?
For example, I am both a drainer and a replenisher in my life. There are people in my life who I drain because I need them to feed me. That doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me human. Conversely, there’s a whole bunch (thousands) that I’m also replenishing.?
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Now, I want you to think strategically about this concept. You don’t need to divide your friend group into winners and losers. But you need to get your ratios right. If all you have is drainers in your inner circle, that’s a recipe for burnout. Here, you have to decide your ratios; I can’t determine that for you.?
But whatever that ratio is, ensure that you hold to it, as it will have a massive effect on your mental and emotional health if things get too lopsided in the equation.?
4. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly, Professionally, and Respectfully
Just because you’re setting boundaries does not mean you need to be rude. In fact, I once heard a person far smarter than me say that it’s better to conquer them with kindness. That’s the way to go about things. None of this, “I’m going to judge you,” or “I’m going to get revenge,” or even the modern-day version that we have, “I’m going to cancel you.” Like, what is that?
That sounds like primitive humanity to me. If someone violates your boundaries, how about you pull them aside and have a private, one-on-one conversation? You want to be clear and professional because you are a professional.?
5. Live Congruent With the Boundaries You’ve Communicated
Now, this can be a bit tricky. Over the years I’ve spent counseling and coaching, I’ve noticed this is the most prevalent in romantic relationships. People say, “I set the boundary, but they didn’t respect it.” As a coach, I have to be holistic in my approach. So, I always ask, “Were you consistent in enforcing the boundary?” And more often than not, the answer is the same, “Well, I guess not; I just really love them, so I forgave them and let them back in.”
And then they’re upset because their boundaries keep getting violated. But they don’t realize that they were teaching their partner how to treat them the entire time they let those transgressions slide. So, it’s not enough to simply communicate a boundary. You have to back it up if the violations of the boundary continue. You have to be congruent.?
Conclusion
You matter; your boundaries are important. Whether in a business or personal relationship, you deserve to have your boundaries honoured and respected. By following the simple steps listed in this article, you can be sure that transgressions will be kept to a minimum. If you need assistance, we at Certified Flourishing Coach can help.?
Our team of expert coaches and facilitators work from an evidence-based system that’s scientifically proven to create lasting change in your personal and professional life. So, if you’re ready to flourish in every area of your life, contact us today to learn more.
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About the Author
Abe Brown, MBA, CMCT, CPHSA is the Coach’s Coach, and is an Entrepreneur, Professional Speaker, International Best-Selling Author, and High-Performance Leadership Coach. He is the founder of?Certified Flourishing Coaching??and?Flourishing Workplace. Abe is also the author of the Certified Flourishing Coaching? Programs.