The 5 most important graphs you will ever see (and my take on them).

Before the age of 20, you'll spend a lot of time with a lot of 'friends'. After 30, you'll spend a small amount of time with just a few important friends.

When I was in my teens and twenties, my circle of friends was about 5 times the size it is now (in my forties). Although I considered many people to be ‘friends’, the reality was that my level of connection with most of them was not that deep.

Yes, we shared good times and banter. But it’s when the ‘going gets tough’ and you go through tricky times, that you realise who your true friends are.

They say that people stick around for a season, a reason or a lifetime, and I have found this to be very true. Many friends have organically filtered out of my life (and me out of theirs). A few have stood in judgement of me and closed the door on our friendship.?As much as this hurt, I grew to understand that these people played an important role in my life. To teach me more about myself and to help me grow. To learn to forgive and have empathy, even if it is not returned. They may have been around for just a season, but it was for a very good reason.

True friends will love you no matter what and without judgement, no matter how often or how badly you ‘f’ up. If you upset or (accidentally) hurt them, they will communicate this to you respectfully, and always with resolution in mind. No shaming or ghosting. Or if they do behave badly, they eventually apologise. If we are the one that behaves badly, they forgive.

I now have a much smaller group of friends, but the bond I share with them is priceless. If I could go back to my 20-year-old self and give one piece of advice when it comes to friends, I would tell myself to double down on my investment into those friends that stick around, no matter what.

Invest in those friends that see greatness in you, even in your darkest moments.

You'll spend a huge amount of your time between the age of 20 and 60 with the people you work with.

On average we spend around 84,365 hours in our lifetime at work! So, you’d better like the people you work with!?Many of us have experienced working in toxic cultures, and the huge negative impact this can have on our wellbeing and lives.

Some might say that it’s unrealistic to expect that you will love everyone you work with. But I’m more optimistic about this.?I think it is possible if you pay close attention to a company’s culture.?A company’s culture will speak volumes in terms of the kind of people you will likely encounter. My advice would be to pick an organisation or group of people that take their culture very seriously and spend a lot of time working on defining what it is and on improving it.

I have got this wrong a couple of times but have definitely found my tribe at Neu21. Yes, I think that Neu21-ers are all super smart, successful, authentic and charismatic people.?But to be honest, that’s kind of beside the point. ?I genuinely feel that they believe in me and so they just let me do what I do best, for the benefit of the whole group.?Their faith in me, combined with my own, is accelerating my success.

The right tribe will lift you up rather than pull you down.

If you're a parent, you'll spend the most time with your children between the ages of 25 and 50, after that you won't see them often.

My now almost 9-year-old twin girls were born in the early stages of starting my first company. To me it felt like having three babies.?The large amount of time that I spent building and obsessing over my startup meant that I missed out on many precious moments with my children.?I will never get that time back.

The pandemic forced me to stop and smell the roses for the first time in my life.?Those moments home schooling my daughters and spending precious time with them were a gift and a total eye-opener to what is important in life.

When I spend time with them today, I make sure I am as in the moment with them as I possibly can be. The laughter, the stories they come home with, the countless hugs…even the moments where there are tears…you simply cannot put a price on this.?My life is immeasurably better with them in it, and I am extremely lucky to have them.

Choose family over work, always.

The time you spend with your partner will continue to increase from the day you meet them, until the day you die.

?Pick your life partner well, because you will spend an increasing amount of time with them as you age. You don’t have to get it right the first time, or even the second. You may have quite a number of hits and misses, and that’s OK!

?If you got married and you’ve tried your absolute best, but it’s still not working, then it is better to divorce. Yes, even if (and frankly, especially if) you have children. If you are miserable, then chances are your partner is too and that together you are not exactly modelling the best relationship to your children.

?People may look down on me for saying that -- but we have just one life, and we all deserve to be happy.

?You may share a home, a bed, and children with someone, but if it isn’t safe to be yourself, or if you don’t feel heard and understood in your most vulnerable moments, then it’s not worth it. There may be love, but without compatibility and without the genuine mutual desire to grow and be better for each other, it ain’t going to be a happy ending.

?Find a partner who genuinely loves and values you for you. And for goodness’ sake, don’t settle.

At 30 years old the amount of time you spend by yourself increases until the day you die.

?

The final Covid lockdown in the UK lasted almost 4 months and, like many people, I spent a huge portion of this alone. It was probably the first time in my life that I spent so much time alone and with zero physical contact from another adult human being.

?I grew up with 3 younger siblings and so home life was always a bit chaotic. When I moved out, I lived in a student flat with 8 other friends, and after that I spent most of my life either with the people I worked with or my partner.

?But now, stuck in lockdown for the foreseeable, I was faced with myself with nowhere to go. I won’t lie, it was hard. At first, I felt the lowest I ever had in my life. But ironically, it ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. I worked through more demons during that time than I had ever done before, with zero distractions.

?I let go of issues and surrendered to what is in a more profound way than I thought possible. I came out of it, happier than I had ever been before. Most significantly, I was genuinely happy by myself, and for the first time did not feel like I needed a partner to complete me. [I understand that lots of people were not so fortunate in the pandemic, and so I count myself as lucky].

?Ironically, it was not long after these profound realisations, that I met my current partner, who is the closest I can describe to being a ‘soulmate’ (if they even exist). Turns out the cliché checks out…you really can’t find happiness with someone else unless you are happy on your own.

?I

n the words of Yung Pueblo:

throw away the idea that your partner

can make you happy, they can be great

support, treat you well, and bring so many

good things into your life, but happiness

is only sustainable when it comes from within.

your perception, healing, growth and

inner peace are your own to create.

Your relationships are everything and will shape your life.?Treat them with the tender loving care that they deserve.

#love #humans

Becky Downing

3 March, 2023