5 Lessons on Leadership from 5 Weeks With a Newborn

?? WARNING: Cute baby pictures ahead. If you're not into that sort of thing, best to turn back now.

Exciting news: we had a baby. Well, my wife had a baby to be more exact... and give credit where credit is due.

Even more exciting news: we managed to keep him alive, fed, and growing for the first month! For someone who, for a long time, wouldn't have trusted himself to care for a gerbil—let alone a human being—this is a big win.

The last 5 weeks with Baby Oliver have been "all the things"—fun, challenging, energizing, exhausting, complicated, and immensely rewarding. Above it all, I'm so grateful that he's ours... and that he didn't get his father's nose. Whew.

I quickly learned that as a new dad, you have lots of time to ponder lots of things when you're rocking a cranky baby back to sleep at 2 AM. A sleep-deprived mind can wander to some interesting places.

And as I sat awake late-night last week—Ollie in one hand, cold leftover pizza in the other, and an especially persuasive Showtime Rotisserie infomercial on in the background ("Wait... all you have to do is set it and forget it?!")—I started to see more clearly the parallels between the lessons I've begun learning from parenting, and those I've learned as a leader.

Here are five:

LESSON #1: Those dirty diapers aren't going to change themselves.

I was paralyzed by diaperphobia the first few days. Every time Ollie needed to be changed, I would (a) barter with my wife by finding another chore that needed tending-to, (b) try to convince her that "she's so much better at changing diapers than I am," or (b) just kind of wait it out and hope his diaper magically changed itself.

Note to aspiring parents: waiting it out = bad idea.

Several Glade Plug-In refills later, I learned: it turns out, dirty diapers don't get better with time.

Quite the opposite.

The upshot for leaders?

We all have some kind of dirty diaper that needs changing in our workplace (metaphorically-speaking, I hope). And in nearly all cases, the longer we wait to change it, the more it stinks up the place.

Your metaphorical "dirty diaper" might be that tough conversation you've kept kicking the can down the road on.

Or that difficult decision you've been avoiding making the call on.

Or that failing project you just haven't mustered up the courage to pull the plug on yet.

Or that challenging employee that's stinking up your culture.

? QUESTION TO PONDER: What is the tough problem or challenge that you've been ignoring or putting off?

(Sidenote: I'm still trying to figure out how to train Ollie to change his own diapers. Tips welcomed.)

LESSON #2: Fancy toys are useless if your kid is hungry or tired.

Before Ollie arrived, we registered for all of the latest baby toys and gadgetry. The kid's bedroom looks like an FAO Schwarz.

I guess in hindsight, we reasoned that the more toys we had at-the-ready... the more things we could wing at him when he was upset... and the greater the chances we'd be able to get him to chill-out so we could get back to binge-watching The Queen's Gambit.

But even the fanciest llama-adorned mobile on the market won't placate Ollie when he's nearing 3 hours since his last meal. The hungry little guy's gotta eat, plain 'n' simple.

Abe Maslow figured this out long ago. If a human—the baby kind or otherwise—doesn't have food, water, rest, and shelter... then none of the other higher-order needs can be satisfied.

What does this mean for leaders? Having a foosball table in the breakroom or kombucha on tap doesn't matter if your team's most basic needs aren't met.

When thinking about culture and engagement challenges, we sometimes trick ourselves into thinking perks like lunchtime massages, employee recognition breakfasts, and a fridge stocked with cold-brew will cure all ills.

In doing so, we overlook the most basic human needs that leaders need to nail before free wheatgrass shots in the breakroom will move the engagement needle. Things like:

Are my people being treated (and compensated) fairly?

Do they feel safe?

Are they clear on what's expected of them?

Do they have the resources they need in order to deliver?

? QUESTION TO PONDER: Are your peoples' "basic needs" being met?

LESSON #3: There's a lot we can't control.

It only took 24 hours at home with Oliver before I got peed on. He wasted little time before properly initiating me into boy-dadhood.

In the days that followed, getting peed on during diaper changes became a regular occurrence... and still is, despite my efforts to level with Ollie:

"Buddy, here's the deal: we've gotta save that for when your diaper is on. Kapeesh?"

(Rolls eyes. Proceeds to pee on me again.)

I've yet to find the shut-off valve on this kid. But until I do, I've learned to accept that there are real limits to my ability to control when he decides to relieve himself—among other things.

Instead of wasting time and burning emotional energy trying to keep him from taking a leak during diaper time, I've learned to focus on controlling what I can, like (1) racing the clock with speedy diaper changes, (2) keeping paper towels handy, (3) staying patient, and (4) investing in PeePee TeePee's (perhaps the greatest invention of all time).

And Ollie has learned this same lesson in his own way. He discovered there's very little control he has over whether mom and dad decide to put him in an Easter basket and snap embarrassing photos. ??

#Payback

So what does all the potty talk have to do with leadership?

This may be an unpopular perspective with a lot of high-accountability leaders—especially the self-reliant Type-A variety—but there's a lot we cannot control.

Nevertheless, we get lured into the "illusion of control," the false belief that we have influence over everything in our world/business. That "I, and only I, determine my fate."

But effective leaders recognize something important: there are plenty of things that are simply beyond our control. As a leader. At home. In the world.

Reminds me of a good one from Stoic philosopher Epictetus:

"The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control."

You can control the strength of your product, your messaging, and your sales execution... but you cannot control whether a prospect ultimately makes the decision to sign on the dotted line.

You can control how well you position your company to gain market share... but you cannot control whether your competitor decides to slash prices and undercut you.

Recognizing this reminds us to:

#1 - Separate the things we can control and influence from those we cannot.

#2 - Accept the things we cannot control, and thoughtfully choose how we will respond to them.

#3 - Focus our time and energy on those things we can positively influence—including our response to the things we cannot control.

? QUESTION TO PONDER: Which things am I trying to control right now that are actually "externals not under my control?"

LESSON #4: Let 'em flail around a bit.

The first few nights, any time that even the faintest sound came from Ollie's bassinette, my wife and I sprang out of bed—pacifier in hand. "Is he OK? Is he still breathing? Is he too cold? Does he need something?"

We'd rock him back to sleep... until he inevitably let out a sigh, grunt, or fuss again just minutes later. And the cycle would continue.

This became exhausting, until we soon realized something important: coddling him every single time he's fussy isn't helping him to develop coping, self-soothing, or self-reliance skills. And it certainly wasn't helping us to be our best as parents as we lumbered around like zombies after another sleepless night.

We needed to learn to get comfortable letting him fuss and flail a bit. And as we have, much to our delight, the fussing has become less as he learns to sooth himself more. (Read: Mom and Dad get to sleep more. Cha-ching!)

How does this relate to leadership?

When we see our people struggling or flailing around, for most leaders, our instinct is to jump in and help them out.

That's the job of a leader, right?

Not so fast. Well-intentioned as this is, making this our default response has some unintended consequences:

• It can make our people become dependent and overly-reliant on us.
• We don’t teach them to think for themselves.
• We miss a chance to help them build grit and persistence by figuring their way through things themselves.

When your people are in the deep-end—as any high-performing team that is up to big things should regularly find itself—certainly don't let them drown. But think twice before you jump in or toss them a life preserver at each sign of flailing.

Experiencing the struggle can make your team stronger.

? QUESTION TO PONDER: Where do I need to pull back, and give my team a bit more rope to figure things out themselves?

LESSON #5: A little clarity on who is doing the feedings, diapers, and cleaning goes a long way.

The first week, as my wife and I were feeling our way through the dark wilderness of first-time parenthood, we felt pretty out-of-sync when it came to who was supposed to be doing what.

When Ollie needed to be fed in the middle of the night, we'd both jump up to do it—although I had very little to contribute anatomically. On the flipside, we each grew frustrated as the dishes piled up in the sink, assuming that this was part of the other person's parental job description.

A classic "Who's on first?" issue.

What does this teach us about leadership?

A little bit of clarity on who is doing what can go a long way.

When team's aren't performing at full power, one of the most common root issues is lack of clarity on (a) who owns what, and (b) what success looks like in each role.

Knowing who has the ball on which things reduces confusion, alleviates tension, creates clarity and ownership, and puts each person on your team in a position to deliver on what's needed of them.

? QUESTION TO PONDER: How clear is my team on who owns what, and what success looks like in each role?

Have you learned other leadership lessons from life as a parent? Drop them in the comments below! ??