5 Kinds of People You Can't Help

People who know I work with the homeless ask me if there are any "types" of homeless people I can't help, or won't work with. As a matter of fact, there are. But, my standards for working with the homeless are the same as working with the non-homeless. People are people and I've noticed they all fall into certain categories no matter their age, race, religion, political affiliation, nationality, experience, gender or sexual preference. I like helping people, all kinds of people, but I've realized there are people NONE of us can help. You may even recognize them:

One: You can't help people who don't know they need help. You and I, in all of our infinite wisdom, years of experience, insight, skills and whatever might be able to see that someone is destroying their life, making bad decisions, or is headed down the road to destruction. Or they may just be using a tool wrong or cooking something in a way that dries it out or makes it taste like rubber. But they don't see that how they're raising their kids, or training (or not training) their dog, or cleaning their house is an area they need help with. You may be their boss, and insist they do something a certain way, only to find out they only change when you're around, then go right back to doing things as they please once you leave. They don't think they need help and are confused, upset, or angry that you're offering it.

They're just as convinced they're doing things right, or best, or in a way that makes the most sense to them. They may feel one way or the other about vaccinations, or doctors, or politicians, or how to clean their house, how to run their business, what to feed their dogs, their kids, themselves. They have always done whatever this way and see no need or reason to change.

I often work with new editors or writers who really do need help learning to present their services in ways that will get them more work. I mention this to them and ask if they'd be interested in my feedback. Inevitably they say, "No." They don't think what they're doing is wrong or ineffective, even though they've told me they don't understand why more people don't hire them. They don't know they need help. I can see a dozen reasons why they aren't getting work, and why no one works with them but it doesn't matter. They don't think they need help and they reject it.

You can see this person is really circling the drain and you just want to intervene because you care. Stop. Don't waste your time, breath, energy, resources or money. You can't help people who don't know they need help. You just can't. Shut up and move on.

Two: You can't help people who know they need help, but who don't want it. These folks include people with a weight problem, smokers, a boundary-setting problem, drug users, alcoholics, employees, co-workers, people in abusive relationships, people with eating disorders, diabetics who don't control their sugar, your kids, anyone with an "obvious" problem that you and others can see is negatively impacting their lives. It includes friends with a new business, a new relationship they're already struggling with, or employees you've assigned more responsibilities to.

Trust me, they see they need help. They just don't want help. It's hard enough to change habits we WANT to change (New Year's Resolutions remember?) Getting someone who isn't ready to change is never going to happen. It will annoy them and frustrate you. Shut up and move on.

Three: You can't help people who know they need help, but who don't want it — YET. These are the folks who know they need to lose weight, stop smoking, set boundaries, leave an abusive spouse, get a job, take a class, start taking better care of themselves, develop more discipline, whatever. They KNOW they need help and they ARE going to get it, just not yet. If you really want to create a circle of drama, codependence, and your own personal hell, get sucked into this maelstrom. I guarantee it will drive you bat-crap crazy as you try to move their timeline closer to um...NOW. They'll get help when they decide it's time to get help and that might not be for days, weeks, months, or years - or even in this lifetime. Nothing you can do or say will change their minds. Some part of them needs to hit rock bottom first. Trust me on this. Shut up and move on.

Four: You can't help people who want help, just not from you. Have you ever nagged someone for months or even years about something and then one day they say, "Oh, so-and-so told me _______," and suddenly they're telling you something you've been saying forever and THEN they act on it — like they never even heard you?

For over a year, a friend of mine tried unsuccessfully to get her 10-year-old son to clean and pick up his room. She nagged, grounded him, punished him, everything. No luck. He was having no part of it. She tried talking to him, paying him — nothing worked until he went to a friend's house for a sleep-over with four other boys. The boy hosting the sleepover was a neatnik, and had an impeccably clean room courtesy of a mother who must have trained him "from birth," my friend said. He insisted all his friends roll up their sleeping bags and clean up their mess, pack their overnight bags, and "get organized," before they had breakfast. He was "the coolest kid in school," and so all the other boys looked up to him. Her son came home and immediately cleaned his room, asked for help learning how to do laundry, and make his bed, and vacuum. She was thrilled, but pretty pissed off too. She wanted to be the one he listened to. Accept it. People are going to get the help we've offered for years — only from other people who are, more often than not, not as articulate or capable of helping as we are.

I've seen people stop drinking, stop drugging, get their acts together, go back to school, start a business, and get counseling not because they got help from me — the help I willingly offered. For whatever reason, someone or something else broke through to them once they decided they wanted help. Don't take it personally. I've done the same with friends who tried to help me, but nothing they said got through to me either. It took a Youtube video, a doctor, a lecture, meeting someone else who had overcome the problem, etc., for me to "get it." Some people may consciously know they don't want your help, either because they're embarrassed, or too close to you, or not close enough. Just be happy they finally got help. Shut up and move on.

Five: And finally, you can't help people who are unwilling to do the things they need to do to get help. Maybe they're ready to quit drinking, drugging, smoking, overeating, or to leave their abusive spouse. They just don't have the discipline or attitude or desire to do the work to get that help. I've met dozens of homeless people with the background, job skills, and smarts to get off of the streets. They know they need help to do it. They want to do it, but they don't want to work at McDonald's, or go to a job interview, or work, or attend classes or therapy. They prefer to sit and explain to me all the reasons why nothing I've suggested or offered will work. They prefer to remain victims. I've met many (too many) millennials who are the same way. They're living at home, unemployed or underemployed and they know they need help. They want help. They even want help from me! But they don't want to do what they need to do to get that help. They won't go back to school (even if they can afford it), get a job, or make the personal effort it will take to turn their lives around.

This dance with these people is really insidious. I know I've gotten sucked into the game, believing that things are going to change, that the hardest part — convincing them of their need for help/change — is over. Now, all we need to do is take action. There's the rub. You can't help someone who knows they need help but who is unwilling to do the things they need to do to get help or to change. Shut up and move on.

I keep saying "Shut up and move on," because that's what has worked for me. When someone shows you who they are, accept it. Shut up, and move on. There's a world of people who do want your help and who are willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Focus on them.