5 Keys for Letting Go

Letting go of the memories of your divorce is imperative if you want to create a happier life going forward and yet, we so often feel stuck, tied to a useless past.

Even if we want to let go then there are strong ties that keep us bound—to the past, to the Ex, to the family and life that once was. Our memories seem to tie us energetically to a past that no longer exists. What’s up with that? Why is it so hard to snip those ties?

As I was doing my meditative reading this morning and pondering why it has been so hard for me to let go of the past, 5 keys for letting go came to me.

1. Own your life. That means to accept all of your experience without guilt, shame or blame. In the big picture of our lives, it is often the traumatic events that birth our next iteration. We are constantly in a state of change, growing, evolving, becoming more of who we really are, which allows us to better express our unique gifts and talents. An event such as divorce ushers in hidden blessings. If we’re going to capitalize on them, we must recognize the good in the things that come to us. Bless them and not curse them.
2. Bless others and believe their best. So often the crisis that occur in our lives seem to come from the hand of another. “If s/he would have just done X, my life wouldn’t be so miserable.” It certainly appears that way, but if we want to be free we will take the lessons as our own, and release them to their journey. This means releasing our expectations that they be or do for us in a certain way.
3. Grieve your addictions that life needs to unfold in a certain way. Have you noticed that life, and people, do what they do with little regard to what you need? I can continue to protest and demand that they turn their focus toward me, or I can accept the reality that people have their own lives to live and maybe meeting my needs isn’t part of that in this moment. We can then turn our focus to our personal journey and meeting our own needs. We want, and need, to be with people as we can, but the addiction and demand that people be with us in a certain way is the thing to let go of.
4. Cut energetic ties. Memories are so curious to me. I just moved again (second time in 7 months) and got rid of a lot of my personal belongings. I noticed that so many of them had an energetic tie to some event or person in a past long gone. I was forced to grieve not just the item, but the memory that went along with it. And, after doing so, many things changed. Finances loosened up, a new focus for my life and work began to develop, a new joy emerged. I can’t really say I had no idea this would happen, but I can say I was surprised at the depth of the positive changes that took place after ridding myself of these old ties.
5. Get curious about what is here now. Once we give up expectations, shoulds, wants, demands, addictions, old ties, we may feel untethered until we replace those with something new. That something new can be just plain old curiosity. Instead of “This has to happen!” how about “Hmmmm. I wonder what’s going to happen next?” Instead of “You have to meet this need of mine right now.” How about, “I wonder how life will meet this need I have?”

I guess the very first tip for letting go would have to be—simply—to want to. All the tips in the world won’t help you let go if you want to hang on. And I guess we hang on as long as we need to, but then the day comes when we’re done with what was and we’re ready to move into something new. It’s a beautiful time when that day comes.

Jeannine

I have triple certifications as a life, relationship and grief recovery coach, with extensive training as a relationship systems coach, mediator and collaborative divorce facilitator. I know the heartache of leaving a life you love, and leaving a family without its container. I am divorced, just like you. My divorce came after 30 years of marriage. I was “in it” (the pain, turmoil, confusion, blame, guilt, etc) for a number of years, since it took us nearly 5 years to get divorced. (It was a big decision that I didn't take lightly.) One of the remarkable surprises, and one that I totally did not expect, was who I became through the process. Pain changes us. It makes us kinder and gentler and more aware. I became all those things. I love the person I have become, and you can love the new you, too. I can help with that. I fully believe in your ability to get through and get better. You can lean on my faith in you, and my faith in the process, until you find your own.

www.beyonddivorce.com