5 Hidden Intentions to Clean Up

Why do leaders find some conversations to be so difficult? Sometimes they don't have the skills. At other times, they just don't like the emotions that are sure to arise when talking about performance or behavior. But what often stands in the way is are the hidden agendas lurking below the surface. If you don't "clean your energy" before a difficult conversation, you'll stir up unnecessary drama.

There's a saying "if you don't know your intention before a conversation, you'll know it afterwards. It takes courage to become aware of and admit your hidden intentions lurking inside.

Here are five hidden intentions to clean up before you initiate that difficult conversation with your teammate or employee.

1. The intention to punish

2. The intention to prove a point

3. The intention to showcase your own brilliance

4. The intention to comply

5. The intention to prove your power

The Intention to Punish

Do you visualize embarrassing the employee or bringing her to tears? If you find any pleasure in your employee’s discomfort it means you're headed for the danger zone. You may have good reason to be angry, however resentment is a sign that your intention may not be in the right place. ?If you feel any ill-will toward your employee, practice some forgiveness before you initiate the conversation.

The Intention to Prove a Point

If you find yourself preparing an argument, your focus is in the wrong direction. While your employee might have a contrary point of view, there’s no need to play verbal ping-pong. You're the boss, but don’t forget that you’re on the same team. You don’t have to win the match point to prove you are right.?Simply get clear about your desired outcome and you won’t be distracted to play a game where there’s a winner and a loser.

The Intention to Showcase Your Brilliance

If you find yourself feeling good about knowing more, you might be tempted to showcase your own talents rather than coach the employee. Make sure you aren’t using your conversation as a stage for bragging rights. Don’t talk about your seniority, your education or your experience. You don’t have anything to prove. Instead, think about ways to use your education, experience and seniority to help the employee shine.

The Intention to Comply

We’ve all initiated a difficult conversation for the purpose of documenting the conversation instead of for the purpose of improving performance. If you find yourself dreading the conversation and not putting any effort into it it’s a good sign you might have fallen into the compliance trap. Take a moment, and get clear on what the employee can do, or should stop doing in order to improve performance. Put more concern and effort into the conversation rather than just showing up to document the conversation.

The Intention to Prove Your Power

If your discipline seems a bit over-the-top compared to the mistake that was made, ask yourself if you have the need to prove your power. Don’t get into a power struggle to show them you're the boss. Don’t make one employee the scapegoat for everyone's poor performance. Check in with your manager-colleagues to make sure your course-correction is geared toward making the employee better. Overpowering someone only feels good in the moment, but longer term you will be more respected if employees view you as fair.

Conclusion

A clear intention guides effective performance conversations. By setting the right intention first you can clean up any unconscious ulterior motives that prevent honest dialogue. The result is better performance from the employee and a higher level of leadership for yourself.

(This article first appeared in SmartBrief.)?

Marlene Chism is a consultant, international speaker and the author several books including her latest, From Conflict to Courage (Berrett Koehler 2022).Visit the web at www.marlenechism.com and get a free download on 7 Disruptive Relationships.