5 Essentials to Save a Struggling Marriage
Dr. Chavonne Perotte
Life+ Marriage Coach. I help you feel better, communicate well, get along, and create a healthy, happy marriage that lasts. | Faith-based coaching for couples and women. Learn more at DrChavonne.com
By the time my clients come to me, they’ve spent a considerable amount of time trying to work on their marriage.
They’ve had endless conversations about what’s not working.
Hours upon hours talking to each other about how they are feeling, why they are feeling that way, and what the other person did wrong.
They’ve had multiple discussions about the effort that needs to be put in, and how certain things need to become more of a priority.?
Yet, despite a ton of talks, they still find themselves stuck, saying the same words to each other, and getting the same outcomes.
Not much improvement.?
If this is you, I want you to know you are not alone.
So many couples try their best to solve their issues on their own, and then ultimately get to a point where they reach the end of their rope.
It’s either “we fix this marriage, or we end it.”?
No one really WANTS to end their marriage.
It’s just that they don’t know what to do to make things better.?
I know that’s where you are too, NAME.
And so I want to share with you what DOES work to save a marriage.?
For the past 10 years, I’ve worked with couples exactly where you are, and here are the 5 most important ingredients to turning a struggling marriage into a stronger one.?
#1. Motivation and commitment
I start with this because nothing will ever change if these two ingredients are not there. I suggest you start with a deeply compelling reason WHY - why do you want your marriage to get better? Come up with at least 10 different reasons. This will help you get beyond the surface into the core of your heart and soul. And when you get here, everything else is so much easier.?
#2. Self awareness
You don’t know what you don’t know. As a coach, I am always helping my clients dig up the junk and things they were not even aware of that is impacting their marriage. You have to get radically honest with yourself, your thoughts and your own actions and the role you each are playing in the current state of things.
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#3. New ways of thinking.
The current thoughts you have - about yourself, your spouse and your marriage are literally CREATING the experiences and situations you face. If you spend a lot of time ruminating on how angry and disappointed you are, your life will mirror that back to you. If you want a more fulfilling experience with your spouse, you have to do the work on seeing them in a different light. You can’t ever be happy with someone you think is a selfish jerk or a complaining nag.?
#4. New skills and habits.
If you were to zoom out, you’d see a very predictable dance and set of behaviors you and your spouse engage in. They do X, and then you respond with Y, and they then do Z. For things to change, instead of X,Y,Z, we’ve got to create M,N,O, or any other combinations of actions. There are always skills involved in having a better marriage; more empathy skills, listening skills, vulnerability skills, emotional management skills, communication skills, and conflict resolution skills. Rate yourself on these things right now. If you are not consistently at an 8 or a 9, getting there will DRAMATICALLY improve the quality of your marriage.?
#5. Accountability and support.
Your better marriage requires better versions of you and your spouse. And without accountability and support, it’s VERY hard to change yourselves into being those people. It will be tempting to fall into your old patterns of behavior, or to have 1 good week, and then think you don’t need to keep doing the work. But just like going to the gym when you “feel like it” is not going to get you the toned body you want, working on your marriage a little here and there is not going to create noticeable changes.?
If you read this and thought, “that makes sense” you are definitely in the right space to actually fix your marriage.?
And it’s likely your next question is, “well how do we get there?”
This is the exact question we answer together in my complimentary consultation calls.?
You’ll have a full hour with me to discuss each of these steps, see where you currently fall, and then get a tailored plan for exactly what you need to work on to start getting your marriage back on track.?
I’ll share with you more about how my specific coaching approach will get you there, and if it feels like the kind help you are looking for, we will discuss options for working together in one of my programs.?
To book your call time, go here: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=16079509&appointmentType=59594791
~Dr. Chavonne
Life + Marriage Coach