5 Dead-Simple Phrases to 10X your Communication
Communication is a skill.
But for most of us, we were taught bad fundamentals growing up.?
There's a solution:
Today, I’ll introduce you to FIVE?fundamental phrases to improve your communication with your friends, partner, and family.
For each phrase, I'll hit on:
That way, you can practice the phrase and add it to your repertoire.
Ready?
Phrase 1: The story I'm telling myself is...
Why it matters:
Have you ever taken one piece of information and crafted an entire story around it?
Here’s an example:
Claire and I were recently on a date night. She looked off to the side while I spoke.
Suddenly, I crafted?this story:
All Claire did was look off to the side.
Within moments, I created a fictional best-seller.
How to use It:
Fortunately, I recognized my train of thought.
So, I said:
“Hey, this seems random, but the story I’m telling myself is I should stop talking because you’re tired and uninterested because you looked away while I shared. Is that fair of me to assume?”
This gave Claire the opportunity to fill in the "communication gaps" so I could create an accurate story.
And if you’re curious, Claire responded:
“Of course I’m interested. Please trust that if I have a need for a break and space, I’ll communicate that.”
#healthywifey
PHRASE 2: Can you help me understand?
Why it matters:
We tend to assume the worst.
But in reality, most people have good intent.
This question gives them space to let you know their thought process and intent before you jump the gun.
How to use it:
After someone says or does something you disagree with, felt hurt by, or do not fully understand.
Often times, when we feel insecure, we will use a typical “You” statement, such as:
You statements lead to defensiveness.
In contrast, "Could you help me understand?" prevents defensiveness and gives someone an opportunity to express their intent.
PHRASE 3: That sounds ___. What was that like for you?
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Why it matters:
When people speak, they often have one of two needs. They either want:
Yes, I promise, they actually do not want your advice most of the time.
"That sounds ____" ensures you meet their need for validation.
How to use it:
After someone shares about something hard or encouraging.
To keep it simple, depending on what they share, all you need to say is:
If you want to be more specific, you can key in on specific emotions.
Remember, you’re just guessing. It’s ok if you miss.
In fact, usually, I miss.
But that’s where the follow up question of “What was that like for you?” comes into play.
This questions gives them space to confirm or correct your hypothesis.
PHRASE 4: That sucks.
Why it matters:
You know what I said about people wanting validation?
Well, I’m convinced, most people just want validation that you think their problem sucks, too.
When you say “That sucks” it lets them know they are not weird, or crazy, or alone.
How to use it:
If you don’t know how this one works feel free to email me and I’ll give you a quick 22 second call to explain.
PHRASE 5: I feel...
Why it matters:
During conflict, most people can turn to contempt.
Like I mentioned above, they'll use "You" statements.?
The antidote to contempt is what the Gottman Institute calls a "soft startup."?
Instead of going on the attack, an "I" statement forces you to communicate how you feel.
How to use it:
To use an “I” statement say:
“I feel uncared for because I made an ask, you said yes, and then did not take action. Could you please finish cleaning the dishes like you promised yesterday?”
Contempt ("You" statements) are easy. "I" statements require you to share the impact of their actions.
It's vulnerable. But it also leads to less defensiveness.?
TLDR:
Your goal is to just add one of these phrases to your communication arsenal
If you take the time to practice and incorporate one of these phrases into your weekly communication, I’m confident the phrase will help improve your relationships.
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