5.

Another classic/microwave reheat from Dangents, my former Substack. I was gonna write 'erstwhile' but it's just not a word I use... unless I'm using it in the context of saying I don't use it. It's one of those words I know but don't (won't?) use, for risk of sounding elitist. Same with 'corpus'. It's fine to say 'body', they won't think less of you. But I do wonder if they'll think *more* of me if I bust out a 'corpus' now and again.

Do you find it strange that I'm promoting a dead Substack?

Anyway, enjoy.

Infrequently Asked Questions

My burrito bowl didn’t arrive and Goober Eats sent me a message saying my driver has been kidnapped. What do I do?

At Goober Eats, we don’t believe in negotiating with kindappers, terrorists, or regulatory bodies. Long story short: the safe return of the driver is now your responsibility. When the kidnappers call you, which they will, find out what they want and see if you can ascertain their motives. Could this be a reprisal for something you’ve done? Do you owe anyone money? Perhaps they’re just craving Mexican? The kidnappers may threaten to kill the driver if their demands aren’t met in a timely fashion. And, as stated, the blood will be on your hands. But remember: you have something they want. So keep the lines of communication open and stay hopeful. This goes without saying, but don’t even think about contacting the cops—kidnappers hate that.

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My family-size Supreme pizza (for one) didn’t arrive and Goober Eats sent me a message saying my driver delivered it to the wrong address. What do I do?

This is regretful. Human error always is. Which is why our Innovation Lab is working tirelessly to create a world where we can automate all deliveries. Regarding the matter of someone else accepting your food... who does that?! Legally, we can’t advise you to take any steps. But let’s imagine you used our map to determine where your order was delivered. You might then decide to visit that person’s residence. And during said visit, you might be wielding, say, the Gray-Nicolls Giant cricket bat (you can order it here through Goober Bats), demanding to be compensated. That's, like, one possible course of action you could take. Maybe. If you wanted to. But we aren't saying you should.

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My spicy ramen didn’t arrive and Goober Eats sent me a message saying my rider is involved in a high-speed pursuit. What do I do?

You would not believe how many complaints we get about soup! It doesn’t travel especially well on the back of a bike speeding over bumpy roads. The odds are well and truly stacked against the single layer of cling wrap tasked with keeping all that hot liquid contained. In this specific instance, we’ve received word from authorities on the scene that your rider attempted to jettison the ramen mid-chase, it scalded him, and he lost control of his bike. Unfortunately, we’re unable to give you a credit for this order, as our refund policy clearly states that we cannot be held liable for the actions of a rogue rider.

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