The 5 Critical Elements To Forgiveness

Forgiveness: Are You Doing It Right?

?As we all move further and further into digital saturation - there has never been a more important time for structured, open and vulnerable conversations.

And we must be thoughtful and brave enough to ask for forgiveness when we know we have messed up. 

Let me dissect a very important case study of David Leyonhjelm and Angela Bishop to learn about how to practice forgiveness the RIGHT way. 

In the scenario, on screen on the backstage (supposedly off public camera, but recorded by co-‐host of the show, Hugh Riminton, on his iPhone), Mr Leyonhjelm calling Angela Bishop a ‘bigoted bitch’ on Studio 10.

At the end of the program, Mr Leyonhjelm approached Ms Bishop and had a further exchange with her saying:

“Sorry for causing you offence, um. I didn’t intend to give you offence... 

Offence is taken not given

But, uh, I didn’t intend to give you, to cause you offence.” 

Now let’s analyse this. 

Here are the 5 critical steps when asking forgiveness:

1.     Apologise

2.     Explain why – no excuses – i.e. admit responsibility

3.     Empathise

4.     Resolve (for the future) and demonstrate (how that will work)

5.     Ask for forgiveness

Of these, Mr Leyonhjelm satisfied the first criteria of saying the word ‘sorry’. 

From thereon it deteriorates.

He does not explain his action. Instead, he makes an excuse.

He does not empathise, instead he makes a statement.

He does not resolve the issue for future behaviour or demonstrate how that might happen or ask forgiveness.

The body language of Mr Leyonhjelm is even worse. 

Let me explain:

He approaches Ms Bishop with his arms across his chest protecting himself from her.  

He does not face her body-to--body, but faces his body at an angle away from her. 

He then pulls his pants up with a very masculine tug.

His head darts forwards aggressively and his mouth seals shut abruptly. 

None of these are signs of openness or genuine connection.

Paralinguistically, the voice shows less emotional connection through the blockages of airflow. 

These ‘stops’ of sound are even written on screen. 

The ‘ahs’, ‘ums’ and ‘but, uhs’ are all there. 

These blockages of air in the sound are depictions of lack of truth telling.

Psychologically, there is no commitment to the words spoken to allow airflow to make sound continuously.

It comes out in bursts. 

As an example, who can forget Bill Clinton’s famous televised denial “I... did.... not… have... sexual relations… with... that woman...” ‐ followed months later by the shameful televised retraction. 

I suggest it may have gone something like this:

“I am sorry Angela for causing you offense.

I was angry and tweeted words which were inappropriate and should definitely never have repeated on television.

It was neither appropriate, nor fair to you, and it’s clear that this has been very upsetting.

I can promise it will not happen again. I will be far more careful in future.

Please forgive me.”

Bad choices around honestly apologising usually compound whatever difficulty has been already created. 

In this case, the argument went on and on unnecessarily.

All of us have many things in the past we regret and would have liked to have done differently.

But it is never too late to rewrite that script and practice forgiveness.

It has the power to soothe and transform relationships both professionally and in our personal lives. 

It gives us the best chance of maintaining our relationship with any others involved. 

Drop a comment below if you’d like to share your experience with practicing forgiveness, would love to hear from you!

~Dr Louise Mahler