5 Coaching Tips for Intentional Parenting

Author: Ram S. Ramanathan MCC

Co-author: Yamini Kandpal

While coaching executives, quite often issues being explored tend to relate to parenting or having been parented. As it's often said, all deeper issues in business and executive coaching tend to be life issues. Of life issues, invalidation comes up as one of the most important disempowerment areas. Within invalidation what happened in one's childhood often leaves traumas for the future. These traumas in turn haunt one's children. How often do we hear parents saying to children, “This is how we were brought up,” or, “You don't realise how lucky you are,” “Why can't you be like so and so?” “Why don't you listen to what I say?” Why? Why? Why?

These are generational commandments, always prefaced by aggressive 'whys' passed on to us by our caregivers, which made many of us suffer and now create suffering for the next generation. Whatever form of psychological therapy one seeks to learn from, whether Gestalt, Transactional Analysis or Positive Psychology, all will in some form reframe the limiting beliefs we grow up as parents with. To break the pattern, set themselves free and set their children free, parents can look at these five simple ways to coach themselves to nurture their children.

1. Be Emotionally Intelligent

Parents with emotional intelligence, able to identify and manage their emotions can relate and manage interactions with their children with empathy better. Telling a child to 'do as I tell you', and 'why can't you be like so and so' are emotionally unintelligent responses to rebellious behaviour, without addressing with empathy whatever caused the child's behaviour. Hugging the child and showing affection would be far more emotionally intelligent responses with younger children. With older ones, it would be to explore their emotions and sensations.

A simple 'What will make you feel better?' is far more effective than telling a child 'Stop crying now!' Childhood responses arise from the emotional limbic brain, not from the reasoning frontal cortex. We are not talking about grown adults who act through their limbic brains reactively!

Emotional intelligence is crucial for effective parenting. In addition to the points already mentioned, parents can work on developing their own emotional intelligence through:

• Self-awareness: Regularly check in with your own emotions and understand how they affect your parenting.
• Self-regulation: Practice managing your emotions, especially in stressful situations with your children.
• Motivation: Stay committed to being a better parent and caregiver, even when faced with challenges.
• Social skills: Improve your ability to communicate effectively with your children and model good social behavior.

Remember that emotional intelligence can be learned and improved over time. As you develop these skills, you'll be better equipped to help your children navigate their own emotions.

2. Be Present, Show Them You Care

All our brains are wired to connect. We are entangled. In children, this is of greater significance because of their dependence on caregivers. They need to know that their parents care.

Everyone speaks of focus at work. Rarely do parents focus on their children at home. They are busy doing other things, which they ironically believe are more important for their children's future. They are absent to their children. Presence creates trust and safety.

At a deeper level, outcomes of the Marshmallow experiments designed to evidence delayed gratification, depend on the trust the child has in the adult. The child willing to wait for the second marshmallow needs to believe the adult.

Expanding on the importance of presence:

• Create daily rituals: Establish regular times for undivided attention, such as bedtime stories or after-school chats.
• Practice active listening: When your child speaks, give them your full attention, maintain eye contact, and ask follow-up questions.
• Put away distractions: During family time, put away phones and other devices to focus solely on your children.
• Show physical affection: Hugs, kisses, and gentle touches can reinforce your care and presence.
• Validate their feelings: Acknowledge your child's emotions, even if you don't agree with their behavior.

By consistently showing up for your children, you build a strong foundation of trust and security that will benefit them throughout their lives.

3. Play, Don't Just Show and Tell

Play is the language that works best with children. It also works well in adult learning as gamification shows. One learns, young or old, problem-solving skills, emotional intelligence and even critical thinking far more easily through play.

An important aspect of play is its open-endedness. Nothing is closed. There are no 'yes, but', only 'yes, and'. Everything can be a story. Those who have learnt the basic rules of improv will understand how much improv turns us into children, in a better way. Children respond far better to play than to instructional learning.

Play helps the brain grow faster and better connected. In addition to improved cognitive thinking, play enhances emotional and social interaction.

To further emphasize the importance of play:

• Engage in imaginative play: Join your child in creating stories, building worlds with blocks, or playing dress-up.
• Introduce educational games: Find games that teach while entertaining, such as math-based board games or science experiments.
• Encourage outdoor play: Spend time in nature, exploring and learning about the environment together.
• Use roleplay to teach: Act out scenarios to help children understand complex social situations or emotions.
• Incorporate movement: Use active games to help children develop motor skills and burn off energy.

Remember that play is not just for young children. Even teenagers benefit from playful interactions with their parents, though the nature of play may change as they grow older.

4. Focus on Growth Mindset

The coaching approach helps to move from the past and even the present to the future. Parents must apply it to themselves first. What would they like to see as a change in a child's behaviour rather than admonishing the child? Once the parent is future and growth-focused, so will the child. Growth focus enhances neuroplasticity. Appreciate the child for effort and motivation. 'Good job' responses genuinely expressed with a focus on what the child is learning and how she is being appreciated is the best inspiration.

To reinforce a growth mindset:

• Praise effort over results: Instead of saying "You're so smart," try "I'm proud of how hard you worked on this."
• Encourage problem-solving: When faced with challenges, ask your child, "What could we try next?" rather than solving the problem for them.
• Normalize mistakes: Share your own learning experiences and how you've grown from mistakes.
• Set achievable goals: Help your child set and work towards realistic goals, celebrating progress along the way.
• Introduce the power of "yet": When your child says they can't do something, add "yet" to the end of the sentence to emphasize future potential.

By fostering a growth mindset, you help your child develop resilience and a love for learning that will serve them well throughout their lives.

5. Treat them at Your Level with Respect

Children are smarter and wiser than we give them credit for. Stop talking down to them. Step up and talk to them as equals. Most adults know nothing and yet talk spouting advice. Children can spot a fake better than adults and are not polite in expressing themselves. Use language and tone which can enhance their curiosity to learn and imitate. Expose them to new things and new languages, if possible. A child's mind is a sponge that absorbs everything. How to retain it is something we need to help them with.

Expanding on treating children with respect:

• Involve them in decision-making: When appropriate, include children in family decisions to show that their opinions matter.
• Explain your reasoning: Instead of "Because I said so," take the time to explain your decisions and rules.
• Apologize when you're wrong: Model humility and respect by admitting your mistakes and apologizing to your children.
• Use positive language: Frame instructions positively (e.g., "Please walk" instead of "Don't run").
• Respect their privacy: As children grow older, respect their need for personal space and privacy.

By treating children with respect, you teach them to respect themselves and others, fostering healthy relationships and self-esteem.

Reflection?

Carl Rogers' coaching principles of empathetic, authentic, unconditional positive regard is what caregivers need to practise with their wards. It's much easier to do this with one's we love as compared to strangers. When we become good at this with our wards, the same emotional and spiritual intelligence can work far better socially. If this article ignited your curiosity about the intersection of systemic approaches and leadership development, share it with your network!

A Brighter Future for Children

Implementing these coaching tips for caregivers can significantly impact a child's development and well-being. By being emotionally intelligent, present, playful, growth-oriented, and respectful, parents and caregivers create an environment where young minds can flourish. Remember that becoming a better caregiver is a journey, and it's okay to make mistakes along the way. The key is to remain committed to growth and improvement, just as we encourage our children to do.

As you apply these principles, you'll likely find that not only do your relationships with your children improve, but you may also see positive changes in other areas of your life. The skills of emotional intelligence, presence, playfulness, growth mindset, and respect are valuable in all human interactions, whether personal or professional.

Ultimately, by nurturing young minds with these coaching tips, we're not just raising happier, more confident children – we're contributing to a future generation of emotionally intelligent, resilient, and respectful adults who will shape the world to come.

(Originally published on Coaching the Spirit, a LinkedIn Newsletter by Ram S. Ramanathan: 5 Coaching Tips for Caregivers to Nurture Young Minds)