The 5 "A-Holes" Men Need to Let Go Of

Breaking Down the Bigger Picture of Life

In our world today stoicism seems to be rewarded more over vulnerability, therefore, it’s no wonder men carry heavy burdens beneath the surface.

Many are battling silent struggles, the kind that erodes their sense of self over time and leaves them grappling with inner demons that don’t make for polite conversation.

But wait...

Let's back up a moment. I want to clarify something.

Stoicism IS important

Stoicism IS crucial

Stoicism IS essential

Now... let's quickly set up our definitions and the framework for these two seemingly opposite extremes.

Stoicism, originating from ancient Greek and Roman philosophy, is a mindset focused on cultivating inner resilience by maintaining control over one’s reactions, especially in the face of hardship. Stoics strive to remain calm and rational, accepting that many events in life are beyond their control.

This philosophy encourages individuals to focus on internal responses rather than external circumstances, often creating an impression of emotional strength and calm composure.

Stoicism values self-discipline, resilience, and a level-headed approach to life’s highs and lows, emphasizing endurance and the importance of logic over impulsivity.

While stoicism can help one navigate difficulties without becoming overwhelmed, it can sometimes be misinterpreted as emotional suppression.

A stoic approach might distance individuals from openly expressing or sharing emotions, particularly in settings where vulnerability could be seen as weakness.

On the other hand, vulnerability is the willingness to open up about one’s feelings, fears, and insecurities, allowing others to see one’s authentic self. Being vulnerable involves sharing personal struggles, acknowledging limitations, and allowing oneself to be seen, even in moments of perceived weakness.

This openness requires courage, which means letting defenses down and risking judgment or rejection.

Vulnerability is often associated with emotional transparency, connection, and the strength it takes to ask for support or show genuine emotions.

In many settings, particularly in modern discussions on mental health and emotional intelligence, vulnerability is seen as a bridge for building trust, deepening relationships, and promoting personal growth.

In embracing vulnerability, people can develop more honest, empathetic connections and create spaces where it’s safe to express human emotions.

These approaches can complement each other

Stoicism provides the internal resilience to face challenges without being swayed by external forces, while vulnerability encourages the honesty needed to address and share one’s true feelings.

Together, they offer a holistic approach: resilience to endure hardships with the openness to seek support and connection when needed.

OK...

Back to the topic at hand.

The 5 A-Holes. And, yes, it is an absolute play on words and phrases. What are these five (5) elements?

Abuse, Addiction, Atrophy, Apathy, and Avoidance

I call these the “5 A-Holes” that men need to recognize and release because these are 5 crucial pitfalls that will tear a man down in a moment.

So...

As we tear down these 5 holes that we as men can fall into (Don't worry ladies, I am happy to create one for you...) may we be reminded that these aren’t just words; they’re anchors that can weigh us down, strip us of our power, and make us strangers to ourselves.

Let’s dive in.

Abuse – Breaking the Cycle of Harm

Abuse is often understood as something inflicted by others, but men rarely discuss the ways they perpetuate harm upon themselves. Whether it’s physical, emotional, or verbal, self-abuse manifests in quiet yet powerful ways: pushing our bodies to the brink to “prove” ourselves, internalizing harsh criticisms, or drowning in shame over past mistakes.

This relentless self-flagellation is a cycle, and as long as it’s perpetuated, it only breeds deeper wounds.

For many, breaking free from abuse means acknowledging it—seeing it as not just an outside force but as something they allow internally. To stop the cycle is to recognize that no act of self-punishment will ever justify the pain or heal the wounds.

Self-compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance are the antidotes, but they require courage to face what’s been hidden.

[POINT TO NOTE]: While men are typically the ones who abuse others, and self-abuse rears its head quite often, men can and do suffer from being abused by others. Unspoken sexual abuse (often 'man-on-man') and emotional abuse (often women-to-man) have contributed to the men's mental health crisis - the reason why stoicism needs to stay in check.

Addiction – Confronting the Chase from a Misplaced Community and the Search for Belonging

Addiction can be one of the most insidious of the “A-Holes.” For some, it’s the bottle. For others, it’s work, gambling, sex, social media, or anything that offers escape. Addiction isn’t about pleasure; it’s about numbness, the chase to mute feelings that seem unbearable.

Yet...

By numbing out, we forfeit our power. Addiction creates a false sense of control temporarily dulling pain but ultimately leaving us empty and unfulfilled. For those who dare to confront their addictions, the journey is brutal yet empowering.

The path to freedom lies in facing the root causes—those unresolved traumas, unmet needs, and deep-seated fears. Only by dismantling the allure of the chase can one truly reclaim the present moment and find meaning beyond the crutches of addiction.

In many ways, addiction is also a search for connection gone wrong — a symptom of a life lacking genuine community. When men turn to addictive behaviors, they often aren’t just seeking numbness; they’re seeking belonging, a sense of purpose, and a place where they feel accepted without judgment.

Substances, work, or other compulsive habits become a surrogate for true human connection, providing a fleeting sense of comfort or relief that masks a deeper loneliness or need for acceptance.

But...

This “community” is deceptive, offering moments of escape while isolating us further from those we care about and from ourselves. True healing often comes not from abandoning the addiction alone but from finding the right community, one that offers acceptance, accountability, and authentic connection.

In reclaiming our lives, we must seek relationships that build us up, not substances or habits that slowly pull us apart from everything that matters.

Atrophy – Resisting the Decline of Purpose

Atrophy isn’t just physical. When men stop growing mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, their entire lives can start to wither. This is a silent enemy, creeping in when routines become monotonous and dreams feel out of reach.

For many, atrophy manifests in stagnant careers, passionless relationships, and the loss of curiosity. Without an anchor of purpose, days blur into one another, and the soul begins to erode.

Resisting atrophy requires deliberate engagement with life, like finding pursuits that ignite passion, surrounding oneself with challenging influences, and remaining open to change.

Atrophy fades when we dare to keep moving, learning, and evolving. Purpose can be the oxygen that revives even the most exhausted heart, giving us the resilience to navigate life’s toughest moments.

Apathy – Rising Above the Indifference

Apathy is poison to the soul, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It seeps in, drop by drop, as life’s disappointments accumulate. Men who once cared deeply may find themselves numbed, indifferent, avoiding anything that threatens to stir emotions.

Apathy is the coward’s route — a shelter from pain, but a barren one at that. It’s a shield against hope, connection, and fulfillment. To confront apathy, men need to remember what once ignited their souls and seek new sources of inspiration.

It’s about reconnecting with a sense of wonder, gratitude, and possibility—even in a world that often seems bleak. Rediscovering the strength to care and the humility to feel is the first step in breaking free from this soul-numbing indifference.

Avoidance – Embracing the Uncomfortable Truths

Avoidance is perhaps the most seductive of the “A-Holes.” Why face what’s uncomfortable when there’s always tomorrow? Avoidance keeps us “safe” from difficult truths and painful realizations. It’s the internal procrastination that denies healing, pushing essential conversations, decisions, and actions to an indefinite future.

But...

In reality, avoidance builds an insurmountable wall around us, isolating us from growth and connection. Freedom from avoidance comes through leaning into the discomfort, facing fears head-on, and addressing the buried truths.

The uncomfortable conversations, the difficult choices, and the honest self-reflection are the paths to liberation.

In choosing to face what we fear, we reclaim our power, break through the paralysis, and emerge with a renewed sense of courage.

My Perspective: The Path to Real Freedom

Breaking free from these “5 A-Holes” isn’t easy; it’s a journey many men avoid because it forces them to confront parts of themselves they’d rather keep hidden.

True strength isn’t found in avoidance or numbing out. It’s found in courage...the courage to face abuse, to challenge addiction, to resist atrophy, to rise above apathy, and to confront the truths we’ve been avoiding.

For those willing to embark on this journey, the reward is profound: a life lived fully, authentically, and without the weight of these burdens.

Real freedom isn’t just a state of mind; it’s the hard-won result of letting go of the things that no longer serve us.

And...

While the journey may be tough, it’s a path toward peace, purpose, and genuine self-respect.

If you’re battling one of these “A-Holes,” take a moment to reflect on the role it’s playing in your life.

Is it a search for control, an escape from pain, or perhaps a misplaced sense of belonging?

Whatever the answer, remember that true strength lies in acknowledging these patterns and reaching out for genuine support.

Don’t go at it alone

Seek out a community that stands for your growth and healing.

Let today be the day you take that first step toward a life built on real connections, honest accountability, and the freedom to be your true self.

Call me.... I'll help you through it

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Hi! I'm Steven. My mission is to Inspire belief, build relationships, and better the world...

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