This is 49

"Age ain't nothing but a number."

"You're only as old as you feel."

“You are like fine wine ... they only improve with age."

I could probably come up with more cliché quotes about aging, but you get the idea.?

Today I turn 49. No this is not a milestone birthday but it sure feels like based on the number of AARP messages I have been receiving.??

My birthday really isn't a big deal to me. Maybe it’s because I am a Summer Baby and right after the 4th of July. As a young child my mom would tell me how all the fireworks were to celebrate my birthday (when you're a single mom on a budget with an easy to convince 4 year old you run with it, it would be many years later I realized they were not celebrating my “birthday”).? Ultimately, today is just the anniversary of my arrival on planet Earth.

So today is my birthday. I am preparing to leave for Honduras in 48 hours and I am surrounded by lists, deadlines, due dates, sticky notes, and calendar reminders to remind me to do all the things. Let’s not even discuss packing, I am a notoriously last-minute packer…..like when the moving truck showed up to move me across the country in 2000 and I was still doing laundry.??

I remember turning 21 and the thrill that came with being able to legally buy alcohol. I'd been sneaking into bars with a fake I.D. for quite some time before that magical birthday and then finding out the next day that I was pregnant with the human that would literally save me from myself and become the most amazing human I had ever met.?

I remember turning 25 and having someone remind me that I was a quarter of a century old. I found this mildly depressing. Looking back, I find this majorly funny. This would also be the year I uprooted my life and moved myself and that magical human being above across the country to begin a new chapter in D.C.

I remember turning 29 because I would subsequently be placed on what would become 2 months of bed rest awaiting the arrival of the 2nd most magical human being from making her appearance over 3 months early (yes, she still arrived 1 month early).

I remember the day I turned 40. I had just broken up with a man that cheated on me to only find out on Facebook. This was not how I saw 40. And yes the Big 4-0 bothered me. I still don’t like the person who coined the phrase "40 is the new 30", but props to that brilliant person who decided it was cool to be a cougar.?

So, this is 49. I never thought about what 49 would look like until just now.

This sums it up:

"I don't know when I will feel like a real grownup ... maybe never. And that's okay. This is 49."

The most energy- and time-consuming work of parenting is done. Little kids are a lot of fun, along with being a lot of work. Now I’m enjoying spending time with those 2 magical human beings who are officially adults and can survive on their own. They are probably some of the greatest functioning adults who positively contribute to society and look after themselves; now I get to enjoy them and occasionally try to be the adult in the relationship. This is 49.

I care less what other people think of what I say, do, and how I live my life and manage my relationships. That doesn't mean I still don't get my feelings hurt or my feathers ruffled. When that happens, I usually manage to hold my tears until I'm alone ... and then I cry. This is 49.

Things like TikTok, quinoa, and mashups confuse me. I try to act like I'm hip but I always hesitate when someone describes something as dope, sick or off-the-chain. I find myself smiling and nodding a lot. This is 49.

Sometimes I feel so young inside, so vulnerable, bumbling, and unsure of myself. Sometimes, looking in the mirror is a jolt. I see fine lines (I'm probably not fooling anyone about 'fine' lines, ahem) and the beginning of jowls. Let’s not discuss the gray hairs and well this will be remedied after the Honduras trip.? This is 49.

My body isn't perfect, but let's get real ... it wasn't in my twenties or thirties, either.? This is 49.

Some days, I feel like my body is betraying me. Gray hairs (and yes I will continue to spend a craptillion dollars on color and highlights).? Wrinkles. Acne. The two pokey coarse chin hairs that no one can really see but that I can feel? Oh, and if you notice those chin hairs, be nice and pretend you don't. This is 49.

Most people consider the big 5-0 to be the mother of all birthdays. As I sit and think about life, motherhood, and chin hair on the edge of what will be the last "40-something" birthday I will have, I can describe it this way:

I don't feel like a grownup. I see a mature woman in the mirror. People treat me like an adult. I'm expected to act like an adult and make reasonable decisions ... and most of the time I do, but a piece of that insecure, awkward teenager I used to be still lives inside me.

I don't know when I will feel like I'm really a grownup ... maybe never. And that's okay. I'm not sure how I will feel about my fifties. I have 368 days left in my forties to live. I'll think about 50 later ... and yes, I know it will probably get here sooner than I'd like.

This is 49. If I'd stopped when I was younger to think about what 49 would look like and feel like, I don't know if I'd have pictured this life. And that's okay because life has consistently brought me surprises. Some good ... some bad ... mostly good. Here's to a great year ... and 50? I see you up there at the top of that hill. Bring it on.

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