#42: Unemployment Downtime

Being unemployed for three months during the summer was tough. One often feels lost, depressed, or even hopeless. Yet upon reflection, the downtime was beneficial. Because sometimes even warships need to go into drydock for maintenance and repair.

Complex PTSD Healing

When I lost my job in May 2023, I suddenly had a lot of time on my hands. One area where I needed help was in dealing with Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Despite being diagnosed with Autism and ADHD, reading “Living with PTSD on the Autism Spectrum” was very eye opening. It showed that PTSD and Autism has very similar symptoms:

Communication problems

Social skills deficits

Sleep problems

Repetitive behaviors

Perception challenges

Despite the global Neurodiversity movement raising awareness about conditions such as Autism, ADHD, Tourette’s, Dyslexia, and Dyspraxia; most do not realize that for many people, Complex PTSD is under the surface. Once I realized that, I took steps to heal my Complex PTSD. I procrastinated for years and never took care of it. Being unemployed, I had time.

First, I started reading books and listening to audiobooks including: “Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving”, “Attached”, “What My Bones Know”, “Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation”, and “Single on Purpose”. “What My Bones Know” written by Stephanie Foo, in particular was very powerful with the author going into detail about the physical, mental, and psychological abuse she suffered as an Asian daughter. It also showed that I was not alone and that abuse was more common in Asian families than I thought. “Single on Purpose” written by John Kim was also very powerful hearing from an Asian man about his journey through hardships and depression.

Second, I found a Complex PTSD support group for Asians. The medical models and the mental health therapy treatments available today is based mostly on Western ideas. Therapists by and large failed me as they could not understand Complex PTSD in Asian families and cultures. I was shocked to find an actual Complex PTSD support group for Asians. It helped talking with people who went through similar abuse and pain.

Third, I found some amazing videos on YouTube that dived deep into Complex PTSD that was far more thought provoking compared to therapy. Things like social interactions, family, marriage/divorce, why I self-sabotage, why I feel alone, etc. It was jaw dropping and eye opening.

Fourth, I started a daily practice from the videos where I would write down the things I fear and resent on a piece of paper. Then throw the paper away. I was surprised how much it helps.

Kernel

Similar to the privilege rings, healing was needed internally, but it had to happen at the kernel level. In the Cybersecurity world with defense in depth, having many layers of defenses helps to keep out the bad guys. However, having those same layers makes it difficult to get to the root cause of the issue.

“Single on Purpose” in particular was very powerful. One of the most impactful questions from that book was: When you felt the most alive? I was depressed for so many years; I quite frankly do not remember. It also emphasized the need to reconnect with the inner self. Powerful stuff. Meditation also helps to declutter the mind and to focus more internally.

Acceptance

Other area where I struggled with is self-acceptance. I am not your typical Colorado resident. People in Colorado are often taller, super outdoorsy, and love skiing. So, I often feel a sense of shame. The books helped me to accept myself as is and to be more open instead of hiding and masking. It really helped my self-esteem and self-confidence.

Clean the Plate

A personality flaw I had to address was saying yes to everything and always helping people. Once upon a time, I used to be part of almost a dozen non-profit boards and committees. This would lead to exhaustion.

In the Neurodiversity world, a huge topic is spoon theory. This makes it easier to track tasks based on your energy level, just like monitoring your own battery level. It helped me to realize I was draining my battery too fast and doing too many things. Things had to change. I had to learn to say no.

First, I slowly but surely left most of the non-profit groups. Second, I started to take inventory of what was on my plate. Similar to Cybersecurity, having an accurate asset inventory is one of the greatest struggles. Third, once you have an inventory of what’s on the plate, similar to vulnerability management, it was time to prioritize remediation. Once I realized I still had too much on my plate, I kept cleaning it off until it was more manageable. Also, I adjusted my attitude similar to setting up a network firewall, default deny all, and to stop saying yes all the time. It really helped to preserve my mental health.

Today

These days, I am doing better. Getting a job offer this week really helped my mental health, but there is no cure for Complex PTSD. I still have my up days and down days. In reflection, being unemployed gave me time for healing. Thanks for reading.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any other agency, organization, employer, or company.

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