At 41 years old I did not think I would be excited about a bottle of oestrogen gel but here we are.

In early September I suddenly started to feel totally and utterly exhausted, not just a bit tired, but properly exhausted. It was accompanied with blurred vision and dizziness. It was quite alarming but I also realise as a central part of my business, the money won’t come in if I don’t work. I have been through quite a number of challenges in the past few years and each one has been tackled with my trademark bull in a china shop attitude. F*** it, do it live! Just keep going, I told myself!

Unfortunately that approach did not work. The harder I pushed myself, the more dizzy I felt and the more my vision blurred so I had to slow down. I thought maybe I’m just a bit burnt out and need a break. But no matter how much I slept, how many vitamin supplements I took and how much restorative yoga I tried to do (when I could lift myself off the sofa or bed!), I couldn’t replenish my energy.

The timing could not have been worse. I had been so excited to get out there having launched Studio Bifrost. But now I was struggling even to do the work that I already had with clients, let alone promoting my business. Not only were my symptoms affecting work, but I was finding that I didn't have the energy to play with my boys. My weekends were increasingly getting eaten up with naps and sleeping in. It seemed like I just couldn't sleep enough. Every week I burnt out and from doing less than half of full time hours. It didn’t make sense!

I went to my GP for advice and I was sent for blood tests for all the usual suspects like anaemia, thyroid issues and diabetes.

It was only once I started to notice that my moods were all over the place that I started to see the bigger picture. It occurred to me that I’d had about a week of being very anxious about nothing in particular at all, then feeling really depressed and not really knowing what the point in anything is... And then the next day I felt fine. It struck me that actual depression and anxiety don't really work like that, they don't disappear overnight. I then started to think is there something hormonal happening here?

I looked up perimenopausal symptoms because this is something that had been on my mind a little bit the last couple of years. I had been experiencing a few symptoms albeit not particularly intrusive. When I put the exhaustion, dizzy spells, blurred vision, anxiety and depression together with night sweats that make my bed smell like vinegar (eww), hot flushes, unexplained weight gain, sleep disturbances, headaches and brain fog, I thought perhaps this could be perimenopause.

Surely not? Can I really be experiencing The Change already? At 41 I thought yes, I am a little bit young, but my mother was about 42 or 43 when she was diagnosed so it's actually quite possible I am… But really, that much exhaustion just from hormones?

As my iron levels were borderline and I was struggling to function, I was prescribed high dose iron. Initially I felt like it was working as my brain fog started to clear. However, I had also realised by this time my symptoms were cyclical and this particular week was a week I would expect to feel a bit better. Night sweats and hot flushes have tended to mean a bit more energy (although not as much as normal) and stable moods.

But the following week things took a huge turn for the worst. By Thursday night I’d managed a pitiful three billable hours for the week between exhaustion, blinding headaches and moods ranging from agitation and rage to total and utter despair. I spent quite a lot of that day crying on my partner Karl. It didn't help that this had been going on for over two months. I felt like a shell of my former self.

I was scheduled to have another blood test to see how the iron was taking and to have a second test on my hormones to see if it is perimenopause, but not until 23rd of December. I couldn’t wait that long so I went back to my GP.

I explained the situation and how I'd been feeling. I had done lots of preparation including downloading a report from my Balance app, where I had been tracking my symptoms.

Before I could say it myself, Dr Sawyer said "we’ve ruled other possibilities out and the hormone blood test is unreliable, would you like to try HRT?"

"YES please" I told her!

She said a lot of perimenopausal women report a massive improvement in their symptoms and that I should keep her updated with my progress. All set then!

That was Friday last week. I started taking Ostreogel on Saturday and instantly my mood stabilised. My brain feels clearer. My energy is rapidly returning! I've started to do some of the cleaning and little jobs around the house that I just haven't had the capacity to do for some time. I’ve also realised even prior to the exhaustion hitting in September, I had been pretty tired for a while.

I finally feel like I’m an actual human, not a slowly decomposing husk. I’d go as far as to say I haven’t felt this well in a really long time!

Although I’ve been a bit sceptical about how rapidly I’ve seen an improvement, I have been reassured that HRT can help this quickly.

So what's the point of me but sharing this? Three things: awareness, what you can do and an ask.

Awareness

Yes, Davina McCall and few others have been bringing perimenopause to the limelight but we can’t stop there. There are still so many women being fobbed off by GPs that belittle, have outdated knowledge or don’t understand perimenopause properly. Not all GPs, there are lots of good ones out there like mine – and I am so so grateful to her – but there aren’t enough Dr Sawyers out there.

Perimenopause doesn’t just cost a few weeks of feeling a bit rubbish. It has cost women years and years of misdiagnosis and unnecessary suffering.

A lot of women have lost their jobs and careers because they couldn’t perform at work and had no idea why. I never doubted how hard it can be, but honestly, until I experienced this myself I did not understand how rapidly and absolutely perimenopause can completely decimate your life.

Yes, perimenopause and menopause are a natural part of life that have, are or will affect 51% of the population. Its prevalence does not make it trivial. I don’t think anyone got through puberty totally unscathed. Perimenopause and menopause are essentially puberty but backwards. And with a mortgage and kids and a partner and a career.

Yet so little is really shared. No one tells you about it. Many of us are led to believe it’s a few hot flushes and being a bit moody but those symptoms are not shared by every perimenopausal person, and even then may not be the most problematic.

I’d also like to say at the point that not everyone wants to have HRT and that is absolutely OK. It is a personal choice. Not everyone gets on with it and it’s not a one size fits all. Some people want HRT but can’t have it due to medical history. I hope that one day an alternative will be available for those women who can’t have HRT but are struggling with perimenopause. While I am over the moon to have been offered HRT, I am supportive to everyone on their menopause journey.?

What you can do

• If you are going to experience perimenopause in future – educate yourself on perimenopausal symptoms so you know how to spot it when it happens. I got diagnosed because not only has my GP been sympathetic and proactive – and she is a little older than me so undoubtably also going through it – but also because I had the knowledge to mention all my symptoms having done some research. Had I not read up on the symptoms, I wouldn’t think to mention the night sweats, that I’ve had on and off for at least 3 years, when seeking help for exhaustion. It's only because I could give my GP that complete picture that she could make the diagnosis and offer me HRT.
• If you are perimenopausal – I hope you are coping. If not, and I’m not claiming to be a perimenopause expert at all but hopefully these suggestions might help you. Do your research. Get the Balance app and track your symptoms. Join Facebook groups for support (I can recommend Totes Merry Peri). Try a different GP. Go private if you have the means to do so, and you can then go back to your NHS GP for further prescriptions. Mainly, know you are not alone, not by a long shot. There’s a lot of us!
• If you are post menopause – please share your stories on what it was like for you. What advice can you give?
• Even if you are someone who will never be perimenopausal, e.g. if you are a straight man – my advice is also to educate yourself so you can support others around you. I am unbelievably grateful for my partner Karl who has reassured me that I'm not going mad and my symptoms are very real (apparently it's really normal to question your sanity because the symptoms cycle and change at the drop of a hat). He has been a shoulder to cry on. He's picked up the slack when I've been too exhausted. For example, he's picked up my boys from school, he's done my share of housework etc. Karl has been an absolute sweetheart and this time would have been so much harder without him.

If everyone learns about perimenopause, then those experiencing it will have a much easier ride. Wouldn’t that benefit everyone?!

The ask

Now I am feeling better, I have capacity and I am looking for new graphic design and branding projects for Studio Bifrost! Please feel free to give me a shout if you, or any of your connections, need the support of a creative, reliable and honest design team.