41, and only just getting started!

Today is my birthday and I am celebrating! Perhaps I’ll feel differently when I am knocking on the door of a different decade. But, for now, I’m loving getting older.?

Yes, my body is doing some falling apart - I get more niggles and pains than I used to. I’m currently nursing a rotator cuff injury in my shoulder, my inflammatory system is in overdrive and my hip complains a lot when I don’t do my squats regularly. And, don't get me started on perimenopause... ??

But, I wouldn’t go back to my childhood, adolescence, my 20s or early 30s if you paid me.

No, I don’t regret them and it wasn’t all bad. From the outside looking in, it seemed pretty idyllic, actually. Growing up in the south of France, skiing in the winter, sailing in the summer. Uni in Bath, postgrad in London, a successful career in education and international development, the BEST husband in the world and two gorgeous, happy children who love to push boundaries.?

I have had a very privileged life and I do not take it for granted.???

However, it’s not until recently that I’ve consistently felt really great on the inside. And it just gets better with every year that passes.?

I used to live life on the surface, in autopilot, completely unaware of what was going on deep within my being.?

I had no idea what was driving me - I believed that my purpose at work was noble, working to improve the education opportunities of the most deprived children across the world. I was right, it was noble, but that’s not the whole truth. What I didn’t realise was that my behaviours were largely driven by a constant need for approval, acknowledgement and belonging because of a fundamental belief that I was never good enough.?

I thought that my thoughts were reality - I never stopped to question my inner critic. Of course I didn’t deserve to be where I was so, of course, I had to work harder than everyone else to make sure no one found out I wasn’t as good as they thought I was.?

I spent my 20s and 30s trying to be the perfect employee, the perfect boss, the perfect mum, the perfect friend. It was exhausting! I was doing what I thought I ‘should’ be doing, what would give me status, elicit interest, even admiration from people (and it worked!) - the unconscious logic being that this recognition would keep me safe from not feeling good enough.?

If I made a mistake or someone didn’t like me, I would question my whole identity. I couldn’t stand it.??

The consequences were…

1. My successes were fleeting. I would get a momentary relief from having done a good job, from receiving some positive feedback and then it would fade and I would be onto the next thing to prove that I was worthy.?
2. I was rarely present, enjoying the moment. My brain was always so busy, I couldn’t be in the moment, savour it for what it was and stop the constant ruminating or anticipated worry over what was left undone or what might go wrong.?
3. I had no idea who I was and what I wanted. I had spent so many years trying to be what I thought everyone else needed me to be that I didn’t know who I was under all that armour.?

Now, at the glorious age of 41, after much introspection and some fabulous therapy, coaching and supervision, I can finally say with confidence that I love myself, deeply, unconditionally. I’m ok just the way I am. I’m not perfect and what a relief that is! I make mistakes and some people don’t like me. That’s ok. I’m cool with that.?

This allows me to show up as ‘me’ most of the time (I know who I am now!), armour safely in the armoury. It frees me to be honest about my opinions and my needs, to give difficult feedback, to hold my boundaries and stand up for myself. I find strength in being vulnerable. I can let go of my mistakes. I can run my business how I want to and ignore advice that doesn’t work for me. And the list goes on…?

And that’s why I love ageing (for now). If this is how amazing it can feel at 41, imagine how much better it will be at 50, 60?!

I’m just getting started…?

How do you feel about ageing? Do you love it? Do you hate it? What does it mean to you??