#401 Divorce – Taking Responsibility. Short/Long Term Effects on Children and Adults
Candid Conversation Memo
#401 Divorce – Taking Responsibility. Short/Long Term Effects on Children and Adults
Facing Responsibility, Getting to Healing –
I’m so sorry about your divorce. Divorce is messy, and the consequences are life altering. I have experienced the effects of divorced parents, siblings, and a child, so I hear you. Finding healing and understanding when ‘no one understands’ is most difficult. You know all too well the horrible experiences that happen. Regardless of who you say is at fault and responsible, both husband and wife are equal partners and, of course bear responsibility.
It’s doubtful even you are perfect, but more likely that you know your ‘contributions’ to the divorce. Looking back, you both (certainly in most cases) must see that you made decisions, took actions, said words, or behaved in such a manner that contributed to the demise of the marriage. Just for the sake of argument, maybe just assume here, that you both bear responsibility, just like there are two sides to every pancake. Decisions and actions have their consequences, whether you realized it at the time or not.
Again, you are responsible for your own words, actions, and behaviors. Each has affected and made you into the person you are today, along with the family you created. Your family unit is still part of a great society, and you still have to go forward, not backward. While divorce is terribly sad, as you did not intend to get divorced when you were first happily married, you still need to pick up and get strong. The world needs you both to be strong, regardless of what happened. The sooner you accept responsibility for all your contributions, the sooner you’ll heal.
You Still Get to Decide on Your Future 40 Years Down the Road –
But rather than focus on the responsibility side of it, let’s look forward to the future, like 40 years from now. At this point, besides the children you bore, when it comes right down to it, going forward you have only have yourself to worry about for the time being – you. No need to worry about your former spouse and wishing that he/she would have just changed, because nobody can force another person to change. Nor should you. You never should have tried in the first place if you did. Only you could have changed yourself back when, and now only you can change yourself.
But you can change. You can improve. You can make better decisions. Starting right now, as you try, you will begin to see positive improvements in everything and everyone around you. As in the past, being responsible, you are still responsible for the rest of your life too. Why not look further down your own road 30-40 years from now? What do you want to see your life like? Like a moon-shot trajectory, the bed you make today will be the bed you sleep in 40 years from now. If you don’t like where you see things going, then, for goodness’ sake, change it.
Put together your Tunabudget Worksheet Plan, and get going. One way or another you will be sleeping in the bed you’ve wanted to sleep in all along for the next 40 years. Even though you may feel overwhelmed, make sure your big and little decisions translate into the bed you want to sleep in 40 years hence. Because what you really want is what you’re going to get. You have the power to make choices, so change anything before it grows too late. Where will you decide and choose to end up? Aside from being wrapped up in addictions, you are free to choose.
Solutions are Closer Than You Realize. This Still Needs to Be Talked About –
Bottom line when it comes to divorce, there are still solutions that will make everything right in your life, sooner or later. This includes your family life and financial well-being. As difficult as the topic of divorce is even to talk about, it is important to understand the impact of short-term and long-term impact from divorce. So, take a close look at what reality is really like for yourself and your children. It is a topic we cannot ignore due to the high risk of divorce these days. If you are on the path towards divorce, find appropriate solutions and ensure your marriage is rock solid, if possible.
Keep your family and your financial well-being strong and don’t do anything that would destroy your marriage and family. Let your very own Tunabudget Worksheet Plan carry some of the load, especially during the hard times. It will do much to mutually come together and make needed self-discovered changes. You will always have the ability to choose. If you are divorced, the child of divorced parents, know that you can get through this. Solutions and healing are within reach, and I hope you will reach out, reach up, and find those resources sooner rather than later, because that 40-year clock is clicking.
Again, while we don’t want to even focus on divorce which is so ugly, you need to see what really happens to children and adults. You need to do everything in your power to avoid any remote possibility of divorcing. I firmly believe your own Tunabudget Worksheet Plan will help you stay far, far, away from the ‘divorce cliff.’ Consider these potential short and long-term (sobering) effects of divorce on children as well as adults:
Short-Term Effects of Divorce on Children – ?
o?? Emotional Distress: Children may experience sadness, anxiety, and confusion due to the disruption in their family structure (Source: Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46)
o?? Behavioral Changes: Divorce can lead to behavioral problems such as aggression, disobedience, and regression in children (Source: Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362)
o?? Academic Decline: Children may struggle academically, with lower grades and decreased performance in school (Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Stanley-Hagan, M. (1999). The adjustment of children with divorced parents: A risk and resiliency perspective. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40(1), 129–140)
o?? Social Withdrawal: Some children may withdraw from social activities and exhibit isolation from peers (Source: Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46)
o?? Decreased Self-Esteem: Divorce can impact children's self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth (Source: Lansford, J. E. (2009). Parental divorce and children's adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4(2), 140–152)
o?? Physical Symptoms: Children may experience physical manifestations of stress such as headaches, stomachaches, or sleep disturbances (Source: McLanahan, S. S., & Sandefur, G. (1994). Growing up with a single parent: What hurts, what helps. Harvard University Press)
o?? Conflict with Parents: Divorce can result in increased conflict between children and their parents during the adjustment period (Source: Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46)
o?? Feelings of Blame: Children may internalize feelings of guilt or responsibility for their parents' divorce (Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Stanley-Hagan, M. (1999). The adjustment of children with divorced parents: A risk and resiliency perspective. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40(1), 129–140)
o?? Instability: Divorce introduces instability into children's lives, impacting their sense of security and predictability (Source: Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362)
o?? Changes in Family Dynamics: Divorce disrupts family routines and dynamics, leading to adjustments in roles and responsibilities (Source: Lansford, J. E. (2009). Parental divorce and children's adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4(2), 140–152)
o?? Financial Strain: Divorce may lead to economic hardship, impacting children's access to resources and opportunities (Source: Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46)
o?? Parental Absence: Children may experience distress due to the absence of one parent from their daily lives (Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Stanley-Hagan, M. (1999). The adjustment of children with divorced parents: A risk and resiliency perspective. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40(1), 129–140)
o?? Lack of Support: Divorce can disrupt children's support systems, leaving them with fewer sources of emotional and practical support (Source: Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46)
o?? Grief and Loss: Children may experience feelings of grief and loss for the intact family they once had (Source: Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362)
o?? Impact on Sibling Relationships: Divorce can strain sibling relationships as children cope with the changes in their family structure together (Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Stanley-Hagan, M. (1999). The adjustment of children with divorced parents: A risk and resiliency perspective. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40(1), 129–140)
My Thoughts – It’s hell for children to have to go through this. I’ve seen it. Just trust me. Enough said.
Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children – ?
o?? Lower Educational Attainment: Children of divorced parents may have lower educational attainment, including lower rates of high school completion and lower levels of post-secondary education (Source: Amato, P. R., & Anthony, C. J. (2014). Estimating the effects of parental divorce and death with fixed effects models. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 370–386)
o?? Increased Risk of Divorce: Children of divorced parents are more likely to experience divorce themselves when they reach adulthood, perpetuating a cycle of marital instability (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
o?? Emotional and Psychological Issues: Long-term consequences of divorce may include higher rates of depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems in adulthood (Source: Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46)
o?? Challenges in Romantic Relationships: Adults who experienced parental divorce may face difficulties in forming and maintaining stable, healthy romantic relationships (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Interpersonal Conflict: Children of divorced parents may struggle with managing conflict in their relationships, leading to difficulties in communication and problem-solving (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Attachment Issues: Divorce can impact children's ability to form secure attachments in adulthood, affecting their relationships with romantic partners and children (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
o?? Economic Instability: Children of divorced parents may experience long-term economic hardship, including lower income levels and financial instability (Source: McLanahan, S. S., & Sandefur, G. (1994). Growing up with a single parent: What hurts, what helps. Harvard University Press)
o?? Risk-Taking Behaviors: Adults who experienced parental divorce may engage in risky behaviors such as substance abuse or reckless driving (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Health Issues: Long-term consequences of divorce may include poorer physical health outcomes, such as chronic conditions or higher rates of mortality (Source: Lansford, J. E. (2009). Parental divorce and children's adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4(2), 140–152)
o?? Lower Marital Satisfaction: Adults who experienced parental divorce may report lower levels of satisfaction and commitment in their own marriages (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Altered Family Formation: Children of divorced parents may delay marriage or have different attitudes toward family formation and commitment (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Parenting Challenges: Adults who experienced parental divorce may face difficulties in their own parenting roles, impacting their ability to provide emotional support and stability for their own children (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Social Alienation: Divorce can lead to feelings of social isolation and disconnection from family and community networks (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
o?? Trust Issues: Adults who experienced parental divorce may struggle with trust issues in their interpersonal relationships, including issues of trustworthiness and loyalty (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
o?? Identity Development: Children of divorced parents may experience challenges in identity development, including issues related to self-concept and personal identity (Source: Lansford, J. E. (2009). Parental divorce and children's adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4(2), 140–152)
My Thoughts – I’ve lived through this, as a child, too. It’s so unfortunate and sickening to have to go through this junk. There’s no doubt whatsoever, if you believe in God, that every parent will be held to account for their failure to fulfill family responsibilities, including any who were unfaithful to their spouse, and those who abused their spouse or children. I believe the time will come when we will all be held accountable by a just God. It’s also total destruction of an individual’s and family’s financial well-being, without a doubt.
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Short-Term Effects of Divorce on Adults – ?
o?? Emotional Distress: Adults may experience intense emotions such as sadness, anger, and grief following a divorce (Source: Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269–1287)
o?? Financial Instability: Divorce can lead to immediate financial challenges due to the division of assets, alimony, and child support payments (Source: Smock, P. J., Manning, W. D., & Gupta, S. (1999). The effect of marriage and divorce on women's economic well-being. American Sociological Review, 64(6), 794–812)
o?? Disruption of Daily Routine: Divorce disrupts the daily routines and lifestyles of adults, leading to adjustments in living arrangements, childcare, and work schedules (Source: Booth, A., & Amato, P. R. (2001). Parental predivorce relations and offspring postdivorce well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(1), 197–212)
o?? Loss of Social Support: Adults may experience a loss of social support networks as friendships and relationships may change or dissolve post-divorce (Source: Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People's reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602–626)
o?? Health Issues: Divorce can lead to short-term health problems such as sleep disturbances, weight changes, and increased stress levels (Source: Hughes, M. E., & Waite, L. J. (2009). Marital biography and health at mid-life. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 50(3), 344–358)
o?? Impact on Parenting: Parents may struggle with parenting challenges during the transition period following divorce, including co-parenting arrangements and maintaining consistency for children (Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company)
o?? Legal Procedures: Dealing with legal procedures such as divorce filings, court appearances, and negotiations can be emotionally and financially draining for adults (Source: Booth, A., & Amato, P. R. (2001). Parental predivorce relations and offspring postdivorce well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(1), 197–212)
o?? Housing and Living Arrangements: Divorce often necessitates changes in housing and living arrangements, requiring adults to find new accommodations and adjust to single living (Source: Hughes, M. E., & Waite, L. J. (2009). Marital biography and health at mid-life. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 50(3), 344–358)
o?? Loss of Identity: Adults may experience a loss of identity or self-concept as they navigate the transition from married to single life (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Increased Conflict: Divorce can lead to heightened conflict between ex-spouses, especially during negotiations over assets, custody arrangements, and support payments (Source: Booth, A., & Amato, P. R. (2001). Parental predivorce relations and offspring postdivorce well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(1), 197–212)
o?? Self-Doubt and Blame: Adults may grapple with feelings of self-doubt and blame for the failure of their marriage, leading to decreased self-esteem and confidence (Source: Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People's reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602–626)
o?? Loss of Intimacy: Divorce can result in a loss of intimacy and companionship, leaving adults feeling lonely and isolated (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Impact on Career: Divorce may impact adults' careers and professional lives due to emotional distress, distractions, and changes in work-life balance (Source: Hughes, M. E., & Waite, L. J. (2009). Marital biography and health at mid-life. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 50(3), 344–358)
o?? Social Stigma: Adults may face stigma or judgment from others due to their divorced status, leading to feelings of embarrassment or shame (Source: Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People's reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602–626)
o?? Identity Crisis: Divorce can trigger an identity crisis as adults navigate questions of who they are outside of their marital roles and relationships (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
My Thoughts – I’ve witnessed this first hand. It’s also hell.?
Long-term Effects of Divorce on Adults –
o?? Relationship Challenges: Adults may experience long-term challenges in forming and maintaining intimate relationships due to trust issues, fear of commitment, and difficulties with emotional intimacy (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Altered Life Goals: Divorce can lead to a reassessment of life goals and priorities, with adults needing to adjust their plans and aspirations for the future (Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company)
o?? Financial Implications: Long-term financial implications of divorce may include reduced retirement savings, lower net worth, and challenges in maintaining financial stability in old age (Source: Smock, P. J., Manning, W. D., & Gupta, S. (1999). The effect of marriage and divorce on women's economic well-being. American Sociological Review, 64(6), 794–812)
o??? Health Consequences: Divorce can have long-term health consequences, including increased risk of chronic health conditions, higher mortality rates, and poorer overall well-being (Source: Hughes, M. E., & Waite, L. J. (2009). Marital biography and health at mid-life. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 50(3), 344–358)
o??? Emotional Resilience: Over time, some adults may develop emotional resilience and coping strategies to deal with the challenges of divorce, leading to personal growth and self-discovery (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
o?? Impact on Parenting Styles: Divorced adults may develop unique parenting styles and approaches, influenced by their experiences and the dynamics of co-parenting arrangements (Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company)
o?? Social Relationships: Divorce can affect adults' social relationships and networks, leading to changes in friendships, social activities, and community involvement (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
o?? Career Trajectory: Long-term career trajectories may be impacted by divorce, with adults facing challenges such as career interruptions, job instability, and difficulties balancing work and personal life (Source: Hughes, M. E., & Waite, L. J. (2009). Marital biography and health at mid-life. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 50(3), 344–358)
o?? Self-Identity: Divorce can prompt a reevaluation of self-identity and personal values, as adults navigate the process of self-discovery and redefining their sense of self (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Loneliness and Isolation: Long-term effects of divorce may include feelings of loneliness and social isolation, especially for adults who lack strong social support networks (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
o??? Reproductive Choices: Divorce can influence adults' reproductive choices, including decisions about marriage, cohabitation, and family planning (Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company)
o?? Spiritual and Religious Beliefs: Divorce may prompt adults to reassess their spiritual and religious beliefs, seeking solace and guidance in their faith or spirituality (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o?? Impact on Friendships: Divorce can impact adults' friendships and social circles, with some friendships evolving or dissolving in response to the changes in their marital status (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
o?? Trust Issues: Long-term effects of divorce may include lingering trust issues in future relationships, as adults navigate concerns about betrayal, fidelity, and commitment (Source: Amato, P. R., & DeBoer, D. D. (2001). The transmission of marital instability across generations: Relationship skills or commitment to marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(4), 1038–1051)
o??? Personal Growth: Despite the challenges, divorce can lead to personal growth and self-discovery as adults navigate the process of healing, resilience, and finding new meaning and purpose in life (Source: Amato, P. R., & Sobolewski, J. M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children's psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66(6), 900–921)
Thoughts –
This goes back to being held accountable someday by God. You, and others like you who have been divorced, may not want to accept any responsibility, and blame everything on your spouse. It sounds like a cowardly approach. That’s fine. We can all run, but we can’t hide. Someone upstairs, I have no doubt, is keeping track of the score. It won’t be a pretty day. Hopefully, a complete 180-degree turnaround happens, sooner rather than later so that day of reckoning isn’t too painful. Obviously, there’s not a lot of sympathy here for letting divorce happen. Divorce is bad stuff.
CANDID QUESTIONS
o?? Do you accept full responsibility for all your decisions, actions, words, and behavior?
o?? Have you given up and lost hope?
o?? Do you know that there’s a solution for every problem out there?
o?? Do you know that everything will be all right, and okay, if you really want it to be that way?
o?? What are you willing to do, or whatever it takes to fix a bad situation?
o?? How forgiving is your heart? Are you pinning all the blame on your (former) spouse?
o?? Do you have pride? Can you even see you have pride, that changes need to be made?
o?? Will you look any offended stakeholders in your divorce, and sincerely apologize, and try again?
o?? Why not? Are you sure?
o?? This sounds like a pretty good time to put together separate Tunabudget Worksheet Plans to determine income sources and expense needs. Are you willing to do it and see the damage?
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