40 to 40: Love Languages

I turn 40 years old in 40 weeks.?I'm using this as an excuse to reflect on (what I hope is) the first half of my life, capturing 40 lessons learned as I count down to my birthday.

Today I'm reflecting on love languages .

The picture I chose captures the problem that we're trying to solve. People aggressively talking at each other, pointing fingers. This is the middle of an argument. And what's important is that no matter the subject of this conflict, the argument itself was avoidable. Every argument is avoidable.

I still struggle to believe this, but it's true. We need to treat those around us with love, and they need to reciprocate. But it's more complicated than that. This is where we all get into trouble. We need to love others the way they love, not the way we love. We each "speak" in different love languages. So we have to use the same language as the other person.

Almost every couple I know has read the book The 5 Love Languages , or at least uses the idea. This is incredibly rare. In my experience, there is no other book, framework, or concept that has been adopted more widely. You can also see on Amazon that it has over 50,000 5-star reviews! That's hard to fake, and I interpret it's popularity as evidence that love languages capture some essential part of how we relate to each other.

My love language is acts of service. None of the other four -- receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch -- are even close. Apparently that is rare. Most people have a primary and a secondary love language.

For my wife, it's words of affirmation in the top spot, followed closely by physical touch. For those of you who understand the implications of this, you have a pretty solid grasp of our marital dynamics.

And that's precisely the point! Love languages are powerful because they work on so many levels. They help us make sense of how we relate to each other. They also help us normalize tension and conflict by reframing the issue to one of speaking in the wrong language.

What I love most about love languages, though, is how it helps me plan. I will always default to loving my wife (and kids and so on) with acts of service. This is entirely natural, and appropriate. But my wife doesn't hear or feel those acts of service as love in the same way she would if I encouraged her or hugged her.

I'm constantly doing battle with myself about this. How can it possibly matter more to text someone "I love you" than to spend 30 minutes cleaning up the house, or 4 hours taking care of our children?

I don't know, but it does. A quick kiss means to my wife than alllllllll the acts of service I could cram into a 24 hour period. There's also a special kind of lingering hug that really helps her feel loved. And I get bonus points if I can the kids together for a big ol' family hug. That's only for special occasions.

For her part, my wife also knows several ways to help me feel loved with acts of service. She will put her phone in another room, or offer to take the kids, or suggest that we work out together (using Peloton, obviously). None of these are natural for her, and we both understand how much of an effort she's making.

As we've improved at using the love languages of the other person, my wife and I have strengthened our marriage. That fact by itself earns a spot in this 40 to 40 series. But I'm also interested in where else to apply the concept. The world is starved for effective tools that seem to work in any context. I'm starting to think that I'm underutilizing the whole thing.

Looking ahead, I can also see a future where I also learn the love languages of my children, too. Maybe extended family and close friends. Maybe colleagues at work. I honestly haven't thought it through, but this exercise in personal reflection forced me to acknowledge the possibilities.

If you haven't taken the love languages quiz , please do so. It takes about five minutes. Once you have your results, share it with the people around you with whom you spend most of your time. If they know their love language, they can respond in kind. If they don't, they can also take the quiz then you can discuss it.

What I've found most useful is to provide an example of how you express your love language with a simple, practical example. Then call out a time when the other person used the same love language with you, and how much it made you feel.