40 interview questions - and how not to answer them!

There are few things more daunting than attending a job interview. That's why it's good to prepare by considering some of the questions you might be asked. Just make sure you don't end up giving any of these answers....

Interviewer: "Who in the world, living or dead, would you most like to meet?" Interviewee: "Oooooh that's a difficult one. Er, I'd have to say 'living' I think".

Interviewer: "What would you say is the biggest risk you ever took?" Interviewee: "Probably unprotected sex". Interviewer: "I meant in the workplace." Interviewee: "Yes, funnily enough it was. You know what Christmas Parties can be like!"

Interviewer: “Are you aggressive?” Interviewee: “Who wants to know?”

Interviewer: "Do you prefer delegation or hands on control?" Interviewee: "Er, what are they? Boy bands or something?"

Interviewer: "What would you say your greatest weaknesses are?" Interviewee: "Oh that's an easy one - chocolate, alcohol and looking at porn on the web - but not at the same time. That would be weird!"

Interviewer: "What do you enjoy doing outside of work?" Interviewee: "Shouting up at the window ‘get a life’ to anyone who's sad enough to be working late."

Interviewer: "Are you prepared to relocate?" Interviewee: "Sure. Where would you like me to sit?"

Interviewer: “How do you handle criticism?” Interviewee: “ Eh? Are you suggesting I've got something wrong with me?”

Interviewer: "What is your greatest accomplishment?" "Interviewee: Finishing Phantom Mutant Death Fighter 3 for PC - and in work time too! Have you played it?"

Interviewer: "Could you sell me this pen?" Interviewee (shouting): "Get your pens, only 50p. Everything must go. Come on sweetheart, you know you want one!"

Interviewer: "If our roles were reversed, what question would you ask me?" Interviewee: "Where did you get that hideous tie?"

Interviewer: "Describe a complex problem you have had to deal with." Interviewee: "I had a STD once, but don't worry, it cleared up ages ago."

Interviewer: "What do you think you can contribute to the company?" Interviewee: "Well it depends how much I have left at the end of each month."

Interviewer: Can you act on your own initiative? Interviewee: I was a donkey in the school nativity once, but to be honest I'm no Sir Michael Caine.

Interviewer: Are you willing to travel when necessary? Interviewee: Duh? How else am I going to get here in the mornings?

Interviewer: "What are your career goals"? Interviewee (proudly) "15 in 155 appearances for my local pub team!"

Interviewer: "What would you like to avoid in your next job?" Interviewee: "It's not so much a case of ‘what’, more 'who'. Honestly, there were some right sad sacks at my last place!"

Interviewer: "How do you cope with change?" Interviewee: "I put it in a piggy bank and buy myself something nice with it at Christmas."

Interviewer: "Describe the best boss you ever had." Interviewee: "About five eight, a petite blonde, breasts like beach balls."

Interviewer: Do you prefer working with a male or female boss? Interviewee: Oh please. Give me a man every time. I mean women. Temperamental or what? Actually just make that 'mental'...... Your good self excepted of course.

Interviewer: "What unfinished business did you leave behind at your last company that you wish you had concluded?" Interviewee: "I had a bit of an altercation with one of my colleagues. But don’t worry, I know where he lives. He'll get his."

Interviewer: "Tell me about a time when you didn’t get on with your colleagues." Interviewee: "Time? How long have you got? I’ve got plenty of stories where that’s concerned."

Interviewer: "What's your relationship with your former employer?" Interviewee: "Purely platonic. Mind you she looked like she knew every branch of the ugly tree intimately."

Interviewer:?"How do you manage people?' Interviewee: "I don't so much manage as tolerate them to be honest"?

Interviewer: "Describe a complex problem you had to deal with" Interviewee: "Chlamydia wasn't much fun, but hemorrhoids are worse, let me tell you. Quite literally a pain in the arse!"

Interviewer: "How would you rank yourself among your peers?" Interviewee: "Better than Lord Haw Haw but not quite as good as Lord Sugar"

Interviewer: "What contribution did you make to the management team at your last company?" Interviewee: "I put ￡5 into the kitty when my boss left. It was worth it just to see the back of him"

Interviewer: "What's your biggest flaw?" Interviewee: "The 5th I think. Whatever floor accounts are on, the bunch of wasters!"

Interviewer: "Did your last company live up to your expectations?" Interviewee: "yes, apart from the bloke in IT who smelt like a bag of dirty washing"

Interviewer: "Why did you join your previous company?" Interviewee: "God knows. I was having a bad day, OK?!?!?"

Interviewer: "What do you most dislike doing?" Interviewee: "Mowing the lawn, doing the washing up, chores really" Interviewer: "I meant in the workplace?" Interviewee: "You have a lawn in your workplace? Jeez! What kind of weird set up IS this place?"

Interviewer: “How would others describe you?” Interviewee: “About 5 foot 10, brown hair, slightly overweight, oh and green eyes – can you see?”

Interviewer: “How do you feel you could improve yourself?” Interviewee: “Haircut maybe. Oh and I desperately need a shower, shave and sh*t.”

Interviewer: “What’s the biggest obstacle you've overcome?” Interviewee” “Probably a 12 foot wall whilst running away from the police.”

Interviewer: “What would your ideal job be?” Interviewee: “Well not this one, obviously, but you know what they say - needs must when the devil drives!”

Interviewer" "Why do you want this job?" Interviewee: "Have you tried living on benefits? Plus, most of the people down the job centre smell of wee. At least it doesn't whiff in here. Well, not at the moment anyway!

Interviewer: "Have you ever been fired?" Interviewee: "Is the pope a Catholic? Do bears sh*t in the woods?"

Interviewer: “What will your referees say about you?” Interviewee: “Why don't you ask them. Mum and dad are in reception. And dad’s taken the day off specially, so don’t dick him about, OK?"

Interviewer: “Would you compete for my job?” Interviewee: “Only if it was an arm wrestle or a fist fight. And let me tell you here and now, you’d have no chance!”

Interviewer: “What interests do you have outside work?” Interviewee: “Martial arts, body building and watching horror movies”