40 to 40: Identity

I turn 40 years old in 40 weeks.?I'm using this as an excuse to reflect on (what I hope is) the first half of my life, capturing 40 lessons learned as I count down to my birthday.

Today I'm thinking about identity.

As a teenager I was all over the place. Without knowing what I was doing, I played around with my identity. I listened to hip hop, then soul music (Barry White anyone?), then 60's classic rock, and then death metal. I sagged my jeans, then I wore Rollin Hard shirts, and then I wore thick chain necklaces.

Then came the Marine Corps. I was completely reborn at 18; my soft suburban upbringing was swept aside by the relentless grind of boot camp. By the time I graduated as a Marine, I was not recognizable. My own mother had a hard time picking me out of the crowd on Visitors Day. She couldn't stop feeding me candy bars, she thought I was so emaciated.

My identity had rebooted. I ate, slept, and breathed the Corps. I studied my Marine Corps knowledge, read Marine Corps books, and worked out specifically to maximize my physical fitness scores. I completely forgot who I had been before the summer of 2001.

At some point in 2004, something changed. A tipping point, maybe. I started to reread the books that I loved so much as a child. I recited some of the poetry that had captivated me growing up. I rediscovered the Bible, and my faith was resurrected. I made friends who weren't Marines, and started thinking about a life out of uniform.

The identity swap happened quickly. Over the summer of 2005, William the Marine became William the Student. I took remedial classes in math and english at the Davis extension of Sacramento City College. Shockingly, I earned As in both. That positive feedback was all it took. I lurched out of the military and into academia.

This violent seesawing continued all throughout my twenties. I was totally committed to school, then recalled for a deployment to Iraq. I threw myself into studies at Stanford, then mobilized for a deployment to Afghanistan, then back to Stanford to finish up my degree. My identity jerked from side to side, keeping me off balance the whole time.

There was no way to integrate these two worlds. I had to fully embrace whichever one I was in. And I saw how different I was in each. My identity within these distinct environments was different. In fact, I was so different that it shocked me and my family through this back-and-forth journey.

Then it all stopped. I graduated from school and ended my military commitment in the same year. I entered uncharted territory, where my identity would be shaped by forces of my own choosing. I saw how different I could be depending on the circumstances, and wanted to mold those circumstances in such a way that I became a better version of myself.

Over the last ten years I've learned to harmonize multiple identities rather than stumble from one all-inclusive identity to another. William the Christian. William the Son. William the Husband. William the Entrepreneur. William the Father. William the Teacher. William the American. William the Marine. William the Friend. William the Athlete.

Walt Whitman wrote "Do I contradict myself / Very well then I contradict myself, / (I am vast, I contain multitudes.)"

There is so much wisdom in those three lines. My identities coexist and to some degree contradict each other. There are kaleidoscopic because this fractured, shifting prism of identities is never fixed. I am never a single William.

Where does that leave me now? Environments shape identities. Identities shape behavior. Behavior shapes character. And I care a lot about my character.

I am more intentional than ever before to notice my identities and how they affect me. I want to cultivate these senses of myself to make a better person. And to live a better life. And to inspire those around me to do the same thing.