40 to 40: Happiness

I turn 40 years old in 40 weeks.?I'm using this as an excuse to reflect on (what I hope is) the first half of my life, capturing 40 lessons learned as I count down to my birthday.

Today I'm thinking about happiness.

There is a specific statement about happiness that sums up everything I think is wrong about conventional thinking. I hear it all the time, and I'm sure you hear it. We've probably both said it more times than we can count: I just want you to be happy.

This is one of the most common phrases in the world. It captures the way we feel about spouses, children, family, friends, and the world in general. It's the emotional equivalent of the heartbreaking question "can't we all just get along?"

I just want you to be happy is also the ultimate expression of throwing up our hands in frustration over the tragedy of the human condition. It is another way of saying I wish life was perfect, and in that sense is it truly unhelpful.

To want others to be happy is an understandable but dangerously misguided desire. It leads to all kinds of suffering in the form of toxic relationships and unfulfilled expectations. That's bad enough, but what's worse is the "virality" of the phrase. People who hear it tend to say it to others, and this problematic cycle expands and repeats.

These are strong claims, I know. Please hear me out.

First, happiness is an emotional state. It is temporary. Something good happens and you are happy. Then the feeling fades. That is a natural reaction to the outside world. Conversely, we feel sad or angry when bad things happen. Again, natural. These emotions fade and we return to a more neutral state.

Second, we cannot control the emotional states of other people. A person who loves sunsets will be happy watching one, while another person is unaffected by the sight. Or consider two people watching the same movie. They can have entirely different emotional experiences, as I'm reminded whenever I force my wife to rewatch a Rocky or Creed movie.

I think most of us understand this. The phrase just happens to stick and it seems harmless enough. But is it? What are we saying when we say I just want you to be happy? We are saying the best thing we can imagine is being stuck permanently in a specific emotional state.

Take a moment and imagine what that would actually be like. Someone gets fired? We're happy. Someone loses all their money? We're happy. Someone cries on our shoulder as they grieve while we smile away like idiots.

Life is not about being happy. Our emotional state should (to some degree) match the environment around us, especially when it comes to supporting those we love.

I still catch myself sometimes in moments with my children when I am tempted to say the dreaded words I just want you to be happy. I've reprogrammed myself to say I just want you to live a meaningful life. This more accurately captures what I hope for them.

Humans are more than animals. We do more than seek pleasure and avoid pain. To "be happy" is not a goal worthy of a human. A cow, maybe. But not me, or my child. Or you, for that matter.

Maybe what we've all meant to say is something like I just don't want you to endure life's hardships. We don't want them to suffer, or be hurt, or betrayed, or experience any of the other traumas that seem to pop up at random. Maybe the phrase simply means we want others to "be happy" by removing the negative aspects of life.

I see this as a trap. We all have to deal with pain, loss, and the suffering that comes along with those experiences. There is no other way to live. Hardship creates the space for relationships and fosters resilience.

Happiness has its place, though. I'm no ascetic. I appreciate happiness for what it is, not what we try to turn it into.

The times when I've been happiest have not been flashes or sparks. They were extended periods of heightened awareness and acceptance of a specific situation. A moment holding hands with my wife on a road trip. A moment watching my daughter read a book. A moment seeing my son help another child. A moment looking out over a crowd of BMNTers. Even a moment trudging across the mountains of Afghanistan in the bitter cold.

Each of these moments was preceded by huge amounts of work. Each moment was followed by even more work. There was nothing frivolous or accidental about this happiness. It was the result of purposeful work with other people I deeply respect and love. No one could make me happy in this way, nor could they take away this happiness.

This kind of happiness is the exhaust of life. A well-lived constantly "emits" this more profound, stable kind of happiness. And, crucially, the situation is never intended to make me or anyone else happy.

Obviously I have a lot more thinking to do on this subject. This rambling post doesn't do justice to the many brilliant thinkers who've helped shape my understanding of happiness. All I can say in conclusion is that emotions should never be goals. They are not worth of such a place in the life of any person.

Pursue meaning, purpose, greatness. Let the emotions come and go.