40 to 40: Goals

I turn 40 years old in 40 weeks.?I'm using this as an excuse to reflect on (what I hope is) the first half of my life, capturing 40 lessons learned as I count down to my birthday.

Today is the first day of 2022, and I'm reflecting on goals. Specifically, the differences between worthy goals and unworthy goals, and the reality of accomplishing that worthy goal once it's set.

Goal #1 - The Military

I committed to joining the Marines in the last year of high school. A buddy of mine also wanted to enlist and -- although he later dropped out -- this goal somehow grabbed me by the throat and never let go. Pre-9/11 it wasn't about fighting in a war. The Marine Corps represented a path toward a better version of myself, with the added benefit of public service (but that wasn't a deciding factor).

The goal was not to prove my patriotism or to pay for college. The goal was to earn the title United States Marine, and all I imagined would come with that. Confidence. Discipline. Pride. Community. Why? Because I could look forward to a brighter future driven by those benefits.

I made little progress for about a year, though. There were a few conversations with former Marines and other veterans, mostly confirming what I already knew. My dad tried unsuccessfully to entice me into the Air Force (gasp!) by recruiting a retired Colonel to sell me on flying high. I was treading water, and I knew it.

Everything changed on September 1st, 2000. I moved out of my parent's house (though I would return in a few short months) and went for my first jog that evening. Except for a brief period when I was injured, I ran every single day for the next nine months, dropping about 85 pounds. By the time I graduated boot camp I had lost over 100 pounds from that first day I laced up for a shuffling run along the sidewalk of east Davis.

Goal #2 - School

I committed to getting a college degree about a year before I left the Marines. I was dating a woman who pushed me to rediscover my love of literature, which led to discussions with my parents about options at California community colleges.

The goal was not to get a degree. The goal was to rebuild my confidence outside the military context. I needed reclaim my identity as an intelligent person capable of learning new things in an academic setting. If I could transition my work ethic from the Corps to school, then I could apply that same strategy to a job.

I made little progress in the final year of my enlistment, though. I read a lot of the "great books" and enjoyed many of them, but did not develop new skills or confidence. To me, reading literature was a sort of academic theater. I acted as if I was learning but I wasn't. If someone asked, I could point to the fact that these are respected, consequential works of art that required a lot of the reader. But really, though, I was just marking time.

Everything changed in late June, 2005. I walked into my first school classroom in almost five years, with the commitment to attend every single class and every single office hours. I sweated through a remedial English class and a remedial math class, then leveled up into regular classes. Eventually I was taking almost all Honors classes. Two years later I snagged a spot as a transfer student at Stanford, something I did not believe possible when I first restarted school.

Goal #3 - Marriage

I committed to my wife on February 24 2014, less than two months after we met. We quickly decided we were not boyfriend/girlfriend material, but that we seemed to be quite suitable as husband/wife. I can't pretend to understand exactly what we were thinking at the time, but we both enjoyed a profound sense of peace regarding the decision.

The goal was not to be married. The goal was to do life together. We sensed a kinship, and jointly believed this was ordained by God. We also understood that we had a "minimum viable marriage," and would need to work very hard to build and then maintain a strong foundation. Otherwise the stresses of children, work, and life in general would overwhelm our fragile union.

This commitment never went through that initial period of flailing around with little progress. We had both learned enough to immediately commit to specific practices in support of doing life together. We spent at least an hour each day together. We swapped stories about our lives each night over dinner. We started a small group at church and found other young couples to share their journeys with us on a weekly basis.

On Goals

Last night was New Year's Eve. My wife and I sat down for an extended conversation that included goal setting and prayer. We talked through the changes we want to make in our daily and weekly routines, as well as some important experiences we want to share. We still have the goal of doing life together, which is refreshed each year. It means something different in our kaleidoscopic world full of children, shifting family dynamics, various friendships, and evolving work responsibilities.

That's one thing I've noticed about good goals. At the highest level, they rarely change. Goals should be long-term, and worthy of pursuit. We spend years trying to reach goals, and may never succeed. A goal should thus be something that is intrinsically fulfilling.

Goals are precious. I don't have that many goals. In my experience, it's tough to keep track of more than 3-4 at one time. My goals are burned into my mind, and repeated often to myself.

Goals must inspire. An easy litmus test is to share your goal with others and note their reaction. Generic goals tend to land flat while worthy goals elicit some kind of reaction, be it positive or negative.

On Reaching Goals

Even with an inspiring goal, though, the likeliest outcome is that we give up within a matter of weeks. A goal without a plan is dead on arrival. That means each goal must be paired with a plan, which includes the specific time each day (or at a minimum each week) to make meaningful progress.

This seems obvious, yet we rarely do it. We ignore the "long tail" of time that's required. Once we factor in that lengthy commitment, we realize how few goals we can accommodate in our busy schedules. My wife and I came up with eight or nine new goals this year, then narrowed it down to just three: shared daily practice with a gratitude journal; a shared book writing project; and greater intimacy with regular (formal) family dinners.

Hopefully you embrace some sort of goal-setting process as well. What better time to start than the new year?