#40 Blog. Why Are We Afraid to Get Feedback, especially as first-time managers?

I must admit- whenever I was called into my manager’s office and saw no smile on their face, my heartbeat would spike!

I never liked hearing, “I need to talk to you about something.”?Do you? And I always needed to “sleep on it”?to fully process the conversation, which sometimes led me down a small rabbit hole- and other times, a deep one.

And yet, I know a lot about feedback. I know that feedback is meant to help us grow, improve, and succeed- so why does it often feel so intimidating?

Many of us experience anxiety or even avoidance when faced with feedback, whether it’s from a boss, a colleague, or a friend. Understanding the root of this fear can help us shift our mindset and embrace feedback as a tool for learning rather than a source of stress.

Let’s review some common reasons for this fear- I'd love to know which one resonates most with you!

1. Fear of Judgment

One of the biggest reasons we fear feedback is the worry that it reflects our worth. When someone points out areas for improvement, we may interpret it as criticism of who we are- our personality and identity- rather than just our work. This fear stems from our natural need for validation and belonging, sometimes even striving to be the “perfect” version of ourselves in an attempt to be accepted and appreciated.

2. The Brain’s Threat Response

Neuroscientist and leadership expert David Rock explains in his SCARF Model (2008)?that social threats (like negative feedback) activate the same brain regions as physical threats. His model highlights that status threats- such as feedback implying a need for improvement- can trigger a defensive reaction.

Receiving feedback, especially when it’s negative or unexpected, can activate the fight-or-flight response, just as if we were facing real physical danger. Our brain perceives criticism as a threat to our self-image, making it difficult to stay open and receptive in the moment.

3. Past Negative Experiences

If we’ve had experiences where feedback was given harshly, unfairly, or without context, we may have developed a defensive response. Past wounds can make us anticipate the worst, even when feedback is meant to be constructive. Sometimes, this response is shaped by feedback we received as kids- getting ingrained in our automatic behaviors over time.

4. Perfectionism and Self-Criticism

Those who set high (sometimes unrealistic) standards for themselves often struggle with feedback. If your inner voice is already hypercritical, external feedback can feel overwhelming and amplify self-doubt. This cycle of self-criticism is often linked to Imposter Syndrome- the feeling that you're never quite?good enough. You can read more about it, and how to cope with it in this article.?

5. Fear of Change

Feedback often requires us to adjust our behavior, perspective, or approach. Change is uncomfortable, and even when we intellectually understand its benefits, our emotions may resist it. Resistance to change is often automatic, making it difficult to truly listen once a potential shift has been announced.

Why Is Feedback Especially Hard for First-Time Managers?

For first-time managers, feedback can feel especially daunting:

??Identity Shift?– Success is no longer just about your work but about enabling others. Feedback can feel deeply personal.

??Pressure to Prove Yourself – The need to "get it right" makes feedback feel like failure instead of growth.

??New Dynamics with Peers – Leading former colleagues can make feedback from them or higher-ups feel awkward.

??Limited Experience?– Many first-time managers aren’t used to receiving or giving structured feedback—it’s a skill that takes time to build.

How to Overcome the Fear of Feedback

When fear and defensiveness take over, truly hearing and learning from feedback becomes difficult. Our brains shift into protection mode, making us more likely to justify, dismiss, or overanalyze feedback instead of absorbing it. However, self-awareness can help us break this cycle. Recognizing our emotional response, pausing before reacting, and reframing feedback as an opportunity rather than a threat can make all the difference.

Here are a few strategies to help:

??Reframe It?– Feedback is not a personal attack but an opportunity to grow.

??Seek It Out?– When you actively ask for feedback, you take control of the process and reduce the element of surprise. We don’t know what we don’t know!

??Ask Clarifying Questions?– If feedback feels vague or overly critical, ask for specific examples to better understand and apply it. Use the SBI Model: Situation, Behavior, Impact.

??Separate Self-Worth from Performance?– One piece of feedback does not define you as a manager, employee, or person.

??Practice Self-Compassion?– Growth is a journey, and mistakes or areas for improvement do not make you inadequate.

By shifting our perspective on feedback, we can turn it into a powerful tool for professional and personal development- especially as first-time managers navigating new expectations and challenges.

What’s one piece of feedback that helped you grow?

LEADERIS Consulting Web

Let's CONNECT