[4] When Our Eyes Speak For Us: A Lesson From My Father

When I was younger, I had trouble making eye contact – especially with people who I didn’t know well. I don’t know exactly where this came from but I suspect it stemmed from my propensity to trust slowly.

It was noticeable to me quite early in life and made me feel somewhat awkward. I would often wonder why I had trouble locking eyes with someone while conversing.

Although no one ever mentioned anything about it to me, I decided to correct it. I started forcing myself to make eye contact in as many of my interactions as possible and soon corrected my nonverbal shyness.

But even then, I didn’t fully appreciate the importance of eye contact. That only clicked for me after watching my father die.

My father died of a degenerative brain disease called corticobasal – a frontal lobe disorder. Over a period of 6-7 years, his cognitive function completely dismantled. During his last years, he couldn’t talk, walk or care for himself in any way without assistance.

Despite the pain of watching this unfold, I stumbled into discovering the true power of eye contact.

As each of his communication skills faded away, and he was unable to formulate words or provide facial expression, I started to hone in on his eyes. The light in his eyes – the burning flame of his life force – was the last thing to go.

I came to realize that the look in his eyes was a clear tell on how he was feeling that day. Whether he was under stress. Whether he was well rested. Whether he was comfortable in the current setting. Or – maybe most importantly – whether someone nearby was giving off bad energy. The look of discontentment in his eyes when there were bad vibes around was always obvious and acute.

Observing this was all quite subtle at first, but I learned to pick up on it more and more each time I visited him during his final years.

The look in his eyes was first responding to the energy that I walked into the room with. In his own way, he had a better sense of how I was feeling that day than I did - simply by looking into my eyes. In turn, his eyes would reflect back at me how he felt to see me. Thankfully, in those later years he always reflected back a look of warmth. I was happy to see him, too, each time.

This experience locked in a few key lessons for me:

• Walk into each room with the right energy, leaving behind any troubles or worries you might be walking in with. Try to reset your energy with each new interaction - they're often less related than it may seem.
• Make eye contact early and often, to get a feel for how another person is feeling. Focus more on their eyes and less on what they might be saying or their tone of voice. Quite often, their non-verbal eye contact - or lack thereof - will tell you more than any words could express.

And, of course, it’s a great reminder to spend quality time with your loved ones. Eye contact mandatory.