4 Ways To Take More Accountability For Your Actions (And Why So Many Don't)

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "Finding Brave To Build Your Best Life and Career"

Over my 40 years of working, I've hired, fired, promoted and collaborated with countless professionals from all walks of life. Some were deeply inspiring and demonstrated great leadership and interpersonal skill, even in their 20s. Yet others were?narcissistic?and/or toxic people who hadn’t learned a thing about how to manage themselves or work well with others, and their leadership approach was ineffectual at best, destructive at worst.

But one thing I've seen precious few people, let alone professionals, do well is to accept full responsibility and take accountability for their actions and their words. It's something we're simply not taught how to do -- throughout our?childhoods, or in our families, schools, or in our workplaces, but it's an essential life and career skill for our success and happiness, and the success of our teams and workforces.

What do I mean by "taking accountability?"

Merriam-Webster's dictionary definition?of accountability is:

:?the quality or state of being?accountable,?especially?:?an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions

We can see accountability in action when:

• People recognize and own up to their part of what is occurring and communicate that clearly
• If their message or words have been hurtful to someone, they are willing to examine how their communication may have been unhealthy or damaging
• They don't blame others when they're at fault
• They don't make excuses for why things are happening
• They don't pawn off all the responsibility (or all the failure) of their work or projects onto their teams or subordinates
• If they continually miss deadlines or other essential project parameters, they don't pretend that it is all out of their control
• If their business or career endeavors are failing, they don't hide their head in the sand and stay in denial - they DO something proactive about it
• If their relationships are faltering, they're open to seeing how they are contributing to or co-creating (and even exacerbating) the challenges and conflict
• In?hard discussions, they can see and understand the other person's perspective even if they vehemently disagree. They have and demonstrate empathy for others' viewpoints and situations
• ?And finally, they recognize that what is happening in their world, their lives and careers is being actively shaped by their own specific beliefs, words, values and actions

I have to admit that until I left corporate life and became a therapist at age 45, I had never really taken full accountability for what was happening in my life or for how my relationships and career experiences were unfolding. I was blind to the part I was playing, and how I continually "attracted" or allowed situations in which I was mistreated and devalued.

And I didn’t see how my own words and actions were hurtful or demeaning to others. After my three-year master’s degree and training in marriage and family therapy and then working for several years after as a therapist (dealing with clients who were facing the hardest of human experiences including rape, incest, pedophilia, suicidality, substance abuse, domestic violence and more) my life and my way of viewing the world was transformed, and I’m so grateful for it.

But what can we do to become more accountable for our actions and words, in lieu of getting a therapy degree? What are the key things we need to know today that will help us become more accountable and how will that improve our lives?

Here are four ways I've seen that help us become more accountable for ourselves, our actions and our words (and the impact we have on others) today:

#1: Stop in your tracks and ask yourself, “How am I contributing directly or indirectly to this problem?”

Instead of thinking that your current challenges are all about what someone else is doing or factors outside your control, accept that you’re 50% of this situation.

Ask yourself:

"What am I doing, thinking and saying that is sustaining this problem, even though I may not mean to?"

How can you shift your behavior (and do something VERY different from what you normally do) to intervene in this chronic pattern of conflict?

It's been said that if you're unhappy about a situation, you have only two choices: Change the situation, or change your feelings and thoughts about the situation. It's time to change what is happening by recognizing your role in it.

Sometimes, we need outside help to obtain this new perspective and help us heal and make the changes we need to. If you struggle to shift your thoughts and feelings on your own, there are powerfully helpful outside resources to support you, including coaching, therapy, or finding a mentor who can help. (If therapeutic help is something you'd like to pursue, you can start by visiting the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at aamft.org or speak to your doctor for a qualified referral).

#2: Look at where you feel most hurt in life and get help to address that

Take a long look this week at the deepest hurts you harbor inside. Those hurts may be from your early childhood or from a traumatic event in your life that left you crushed, diminished or angry in ways that you have never healed from. Recognize how this hurt is playing out over and over again, and understand that you are what your childhood taught you to be unless you’ve healed and unlearned it. And remember, “wounded people wound people” so make sure that you are as healed and healthy as you can be.

For more about how the past may be continuing to shape you, take a listen to my Finding Brave podcast episode on how to heal what I refer to as "Power Gap #7: Allowing The Past to Continue To Impact You," (from my book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss) and start on your pathway to "Brave Healing:"

#3: The next time you do something wrong and apologize, make it a?real?apology.?

I love and admire the work of the renowned relationship expert and bestselling author Dr. Harriet Lerner (so many therapists and coaches around the world have learned so very much from her insights and writing). In an eye-opening?Forbes interview?with Lerner in 2017, she shared about her powerful book?Why Won’t You Apologize?and how so many people apologize in ways that cause further harm and damage.

Lerner shares that if you add a caveat to your apologies with words like “but" or "if," you negate the whole apology and cause more harm.

For example, if you say, “I’m sorry I missed your party, but I was so busy” or “I’m sorry that I yelled but you provoked me,” you’ll communicate that in fact, you’re not sorry at all.

Lerner teaches us this:

“It’s not the words 'I’m sorry' that soothe the other person and allow them to feel safe in the relationship again. More than anything, the hurt party wants us to listen carefully to their feelings, to validate their reality, to feel genuine regret and remorse, to carry some of the pain we’ve caused, and to make reparations as needed.

They want us to really ‘get it’ and to make sure there will be no repeat performance.”

If you find it impossible to say "I'm sorry" and mean it, there's more internal work to be done.

#4: Recognize how you’re being toxic to others

In 2014, I wrote an article on LinkedIn about?6 Toxic Behaviors That Push People Away: How To Recognize Them in Yourself and Change Them. It went viral here on LinkedIn (more than 3 million views in a short time), and I was truly floored by the thousands of comments and private responses I received about the piece and about people's new understanding of their own toxicity.?I was extremely moved and inspired too to see so many people admit their own emotional challenges and take deeper accountability for who they are today, and to admit openly they want to change.?

They took a brand new look at their own behavior and saw (often for the first time) that they were acting like the very people they disliked intensely in their own lives—people who were cruel, self-absorbed, obsessively negative, needing constant validation, and overly reactive and hurtful.??

While it’s sometimes painful to see ourselves the way we?really?are versus the fake, veneered (social media-ready) version of ourselves that we try to put forward for the world to see, it’s also extremely liberating when we finally understand that we’re the very ones who can transform our own lives for the better. We are the ones that hold the reins and can become the true author of our lives and careers.

No one else can do this work - it's up to us to recognize what needs to change in us if we're to lead more positive, uplifting lives and make a beneficial impact on others.

It's also been said (and I've seen that this is true):

When we heal ourselves, we heal generations ahead and behind us.

Where you can take greater accountability for your actions and words today, and what do you think might be possible for you and the people around you when you do?

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To address your power gaps and become more accountable and positively impactful in your life and career today, join Kathy Caprino in her?Breakthrough Career & Leadership Coaching?programs, and her?Most Powerful You training this year. And for more information, visit kathycaprino.com and her podcast Finding Brave and check out the new paperback version of Kathy's latest book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss.