4 Ways to Build Effective Communication in the Workplace

As a development coach working in a recruitment business, I can tell you that without fail, being a ‘good communicator’ is one of the top non-technical skills our clients look for when hiring and developing people. Having good communication skills is quite the big umbrella term so I thought I’d focus this teaching moment on a crucial aspect of understanding communication: where it goes wrong.

We’ll be looking at this this topic through the eyes of Dr. Daniel Gottman, a world-renowned relationship psychologist whose research in divorce prediction and marital stability draws clear parallels to the professional world. Research from The Gottman Institute suggests that “couples wait an average of 6 years of being unhappy with their relationship before getting help”. This made me wonder: How many work relationships suffer for an extended period of time before someone does something about it?!

A great way to build strong communication skills in the workplace is to start engaging in healthy conflict resolution. Let’s try it together. We’ll use The Gottman Institute’s framework of four toxic communication patterns that have the most detrimental impacts on relationships: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

REFLECT: As we navigate through these communication patterns, I’d like you to think about if/how these are showing up in your work life. You may find that certain people or work scenarios prompt these patterns more than others. The first step to improving your communication is self-awareness so let’s get stuck in.

1.     Criticism

I know this word gets thrown around a lot, but when we talk about criticism in this context, it means a full-on attack of someone’s character, not just voicing a complaint. Let’s look at the difference:

Complaint: “I was disappointed when you missed another key project deadline. I thought we had agreed sticking to deadlines was a development area you were committed to after the last time we encountered this problem”.

Versus…

Criticism: “You never stick to your word. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you just can’t be bothered. You can’t be trusted and you never think of how this impacts the rest of the team!”

Imagine yourself being on the receiving end of the example of criticism I just gave – you’d probably feel attacked, rejected, or hurt. If there is a pervasive pattern of criticism in one of your work relationships, contempt can end up being the longer-term result.

As a coach, I encourage my clients to try approaching these kind of conversations with a ‘Gentle Start-up’. Before you speak, think: What do I feel? What do I need?

Here's an example to bring it to life…

Criticism: “You never commit to hitting important deadlines. Why are you always so unreliable?”

Instead of the above, try: “I feel like you don’t take me seriously when I give you feedback on areas where I need you to step up, and I need to know you understand the expectation I am setting for next time.”

Notice the “I feel” leading into the “I need” – we call this complaining without blaming. The best way to stop yourself from blaming someone else is to use I-statements; in short, avoid starting sentences with “you” – own your feelings first before communicating how the other person has impacted you.

2.     Contempt

I think it’s interesting to start off by noting that The Gottman Institute’s research has shown that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce… If we apply the learning from that statistic to the corporate world, contempt in work relationships could be a leading cause of issues like talent attrition.

With contempt, the person on the receiving end is set up to feel worthless or hated; the person dishing it out comes from a place of moral superiority. Examples of contempt include showing disrespect, mockery through sarcasm, ridiculing others or calling them names, and body language like eye-rolling or scoffing.

So, what does it sounds like? Something like this: “You’re overwhelmed? Boo hoo. I’ve been so busy and you don’t see me moaning about it, do you?” (As you can see, the intention here truly is to be mean!)

If clients of mine find this toxic communication pattern is a key feature of how they engage in conflict, I encourage them to reorient towards building a culture of appreciation and respect.

One of Gottman’s mottos is ‘Small things often’. To stop yourself from falling into the dangerous trap of contempt, it’s about consistently expressing appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your peers. Contempt leads to an unhealthy amount of negative interactions that need to be balanced out by more positive ones, which is what this approach achieves.

Here’s our example:

Contempt: “You forgot to update the project management tracker again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes and scoffs.)

Now, in a culture of appreciation and respect, rather than eye-rolling and scoffing, you could approach the situation by saying something like: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, and I still need you to commit to the project management documents we agreed on – will you please remember to update those documents before the end of the week? I’d appreciate it”.

The latter version literally expresses a sense of understanding from the start; it is a respectful request followed by showing some appreciation.

3.     Defensiveness

When we are on the defense, it is often off the back of receiving criticism. Let’s use a more neutral example than starting with criticism though:

Question: “I’m getting the feeling we aren’t where we need to be with the delivery of that project. Did you contact the client to let them know we are going to have to delay the project kick off by a week?”

Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. No one around here bothers to consider I may have been given too much work lately!”

In a state of defensiveness, we feel the feedback/expression of concerns/questioning/criticism we are on the receiving end of is not warranted, and then find excuses and play the victim so that the other person will leave us be. However, we do not end up with the desired outcome; instead, our excuses essentially end up leading the other person to not feel seen, heard, or taken seriously, alongside feeling that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.

If clients of mine identify that they have a tendency to become defensive, I hit home that their call to action for better communication is to take responsibility.

Defensiveness is a form of self-protection; we blame someone and/or something else to protect our self-worth. The healthy alternative is to accept responsibility for how we contributed to the conflict so it does not escalate…

Imagine you’re met with that same question: “Did you contact the client to let them know we are going to have to delay the project kick off by a week?”

However, this time you take ownership and take action like so: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning if you could do it instead because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call the client right now”.

4.     Stonewalling

The final toxic communication style often comes off the back of contempt being expressed. It is just like it sounds – the person on the receiving end of contempt, for example, creates a metaphorical impermeable wall between themselves and the other person by withdrawing or shutting down. This could show up in the form of tuning out, stopping responding, acting preoccupied, etc. I like to think of it as the flight response when we encounter a threat. The tough thing about this communication pattern is once you start engaging in stonewalling, it’s hard to stop.

For this toxic communication style, I tell my clients that it’s time for some physiological self-soothing. What do I mean by that?

Stonewalling is a result of feeling physiologically flooded so the antidote is creating space for yourself to manage your body’s response to the stressor. Imagine someone throws the below contemptuous comment your way...

Contempt: “This is the final straw… I am SO over what a lousy listener you are!!! You clearly don’t care about anyone but yourself. A good person would never treat someone like you treat me”.

In response to this, it's quite possible you'd feel overwhelmed to the point that the best out appears to be shutting down and turning away from the other person. Now that you know better though, you can do better... Instead, you stay committed to engaging in healthy conflict by saying: “I’m sorry to interrupt – I’m feeling flooded with emotions right now. Are you willing to take a break and come back to this in 20 minutes? After I’ve calmed down, I’ll be in a better headspace to work through this with you”.

Gottman suggests that when you take a break, you should break for at least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. We all have go-to ways to complete a stress cycle, but it could be things like listening to music, reading, or exercising.

TAKE ACTION: Now that we have explored these barriers to good communication, let’s get you thinking about how you can turn your insights into action.

1.     Write down 2-3 learnings from this article that you found the most insightful. (When you write things down, you’ll be more likely to remember!)

2.     Which work relationship of mine is in need of my greatest attention and effort when it comes to improving my communication patterns? Which toxic communication pattern am I most likely to engage in with this person and what is one action I will take to work towards breaking this unhelpful pattern? (Include notes on how you will stay accountable to this goal and how you will concrete your learnings after experimenting with a different way of engaging.)

Thanks for reading along! If you found this exercise useful, feel free to reach out to learn more about the individual and group coaching we offer purpose-driven professionals by emailing [email protected]. Stay curious, Kendelle