4 things you can do to work with someone you don't like and create a more productive relationship

There’s a good chance you’re working with someone you don’t like.

It could be your teammate, boss or even a key stakeholder. You might want to avoid that person as an easy way to deal with it. But that will make the situation worse, especially if you have to work together.

When I was working as an agile consultant, I used to keep butting heads with a key stakeholder from my client's team. I'll just call him Jay - not his real name.

At our worst, Jay and I would argue and raise our voices during our team meetings. This makes our team environment a bit hostile. And our team members would hesitate to ask clarifying questions as a result.

Here are 4 things I have done to try and turn the relationship around.

1. Reflect on what could be the cause of the tension and observe how I respond to it.

I noticed that my trigger was changing priorities. Jay kept changing his mind about priorities every time we met. But, the way that I'm responding to it is making the situation worse.

I realised I was being stubborn by setting my foot down and not offering some flexibility.

2. Understand the other person's perspective. And then try to be part of the solution.

I reached out to have an informal chat over coffee.

After getting to know him a bit more, I realised that Jay was under a lot of pressure from management. And his own stakeholders have competing priorities. On top of that, he is new to the company and had ambitions to climb up the corporate ladder.

So, I offered to look at how I can help with priorities. We also created a roadmap to give his stakeholders transparency on the work we're doing.

3. Stay curious a bit longer.

Of course, one coffee chat will not fix everything.

I have to keep staying curious. This means before disagreeing, ask Jay more questions to ensure I have enough information first. And to continue seeking his input as work progresses.

Most importantly, I needed to also be curious about myself and my reactions.

4. Ask for help.

I asked another coach for help.

I have blind spots so I invited a coach to pop by my team meetings to observe. My coach and I will then debrief afterwards to review how I could make a shift in the relationships. There were times when my coach would also help me become aware of the power dynamics at play.

Having a coach also helped me step back and observe the team as part of a wider system.

To be honest, no one is going to be 100% agreeable all the time.

It's rare for there not to be any tension at all. In fact, it's a cause for concern if you never have tension in the workplace. But understanding how you show up is a great starting point to make it better.

It may not make the co-worker your bestie, but this might be the start of a healthier working relationship.

#AgileAngel

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