4 Things Empathy Is...and 4 Things it Isn't
Chris Fitzpatrick
Professional & Keynote Speaker. Aspiring Game Show Host. Below-Average Charity Golfer. Talent Development @ Crestron Electronics. 18 years HR & Talent Experience. DEIB Ally.
Empathy is a POWERFUL word, and can be a difference maker in our personal and professional lives. When I think about the most effective leaders I've worked with in my life - managers and supervisors, visionaries, and mentors - I had the best relationship with those who demonstrated empathy, not just for me, but for everyone on their team. So in my latest YouTube video - and the return of my newsletter - I focus in on 4 things empathy IS and 4 things empathy ISN'T.
Empathy is a major part of effective listening, which makes it a communication skill. The ability to listen to others not to just hear them, but to understand them, is rooted in empathy. Just the desire to understand another person requires empathy, because to get there, you must truly care what they say and why they say it. Empathy makes you a better listener, and being a better listener makes you a better communicator. Being a better communicator makes you more effective at almost any professional endeavor you pursue.
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Empathy is the ability to identify and understand how another person is feeling. If you are empathizing with someone, you may find yourself making mental notes about how and why they are demonstrating their feelings. Empathy is not always about our less desirable feelings, such as sadness, either. Empathy can be a mental note like “they seem like they are in a really good place right now, I’m very happy for them.”
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Empathy is a building block of Emotional Intelligence. If you identify and understand how another person feels, you are well on your way to practicing high emotional intelligence. Empathy is a skill for social awareness, which is the ability to understand the people you are surrounded by and the situations you are in. Social awareness then leads directly into Social Management, which is how to adjust and react to that awareness. For example, Empathy leading to Social Awareness may be “they seem like they are upset, and I understand how hard that can be.” Social Management is “I think the best thing for me to do is to understand they want some space,” or “I want to approach them privately to see if I can support them.”
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Empathy is critical to effective leadership. To lead is to listen. The best leaders listen to – and empathize with – the members of their team in order to understand how to make the greatest impact on them. Empathetic leaders understand their team members better, leading to higher morale and greater opportunities for team members to develop. Empathy plays a role in conflict resolution – not conflict avoidance, but resolution. Leaders who lead with empathy create environments of psychological safety, allowing for expression, innovation, and authenticity.
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Empathy is NOT weakness. Though some leadership stereotypes have started to fade, there is still a remaining idea that to be a strong, effective leader is to be emotionless, detached, and directive. Those same stereotypes regard empathy and emotional intelligence as weak, or “soft,” when this couldn’t be further from the truth. Empathy requires strength, the ability to take focus off of oneself and listen to and understand another. The strongest leaders I know are the most empathetic.
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Empathy is NOT pity. To be empathetic is not to simply feel sorry for someone when something goes wrong. Empathy covers an understanding of a range of emotions, and instead of “feeling sorry for someone,” the empathetic have a deeper connection, appreciating how someone may feel, why they may feel that way, and why that is important. Again, this empowers emotional intelligence, with those strong at social management deftly adjusting based on their perceptions of others’ emotions.
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Empathy is NOT presumption. Just because you want to be empathetic doesn’t mean you should assume you know everything about others. Being empathetic means being in tune with others, not knowing every detail about them. Remember, there may be a lot of details you are missing, and that the other party doesn’t want shared, and being empathetic is understanding those feelings of privacy, too!
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Empathy is NOT “being exactly the same.” You do not need to have had the same life experiences as someone else in order to empathize with them. In many cases, empathy allows you to see from the point of view of others, to imagine how they feel, and to sense others’ emotions. That doesn’t require the exact same lived experiences.
Chris Fitzpatrick (he/him/his) is a Human Resources Professional with 17 years of experience in Talent Acquisition, Talent Development, and Diversity & Inclusion. Chris is proud to be the Sr. Manager, Talent Development at Crestron Electronics, an industry leader in the AV Industry with an amazing team around him. Chris speaks professionally, loves hosting game shows, and golfs (poorly) for charity.
Chris on YouTube (remember to subscribe!)
Unleashing the Untapped Potential of Individuals, Companies, Organizations, and Communities through Inspired Ideation and Creativity | Chief Dream Officer at Web Collaborative ??
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Director Leadership Development @ Beacon | People Development, Talent Strategy
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I LOVE "isn't" and "don't" lists. Too often we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders when we misunderstand a thing. Like #empathy. It's being open and listening well -but it's not, to your point Chris - feeling pity or taking on the emotions of the other person. It's so easy to be empathetic when we understand its boundaries... Excellent post, thank you!