Conflict Resolution in 4 Steps

The denouement of the story is when everything gets revealed, untangled, becomes clear, settled, or resolved.

In real life some conflicts resolve themselves while some types of conflict never get resolved. However, most issues you will deal with fall somewhere in between.  Here is what you need to know for all of these.

1. Understand the other's position before you try to get them to understand yours.  

 In Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey says we all come to any situation from an "autobiographically" point of view.  The first thing we do is evaluate instead of investigate.  If we ask questions we do it from our own point of view.  Or, we jump in to give counsel and advice.  We try to give a solution to the problem before we even understand the problem.  If we do try to understand the problem, we make interpretations based on our own experiences.  None of this helps.

 Instead, learn to ask active listening questions.  Strive to get more information out of the other person by asking open ended questions.  An open ended question is any question you cannot answer with a simple yes or no.  Strive to understand the interests of the other vs. their position, as Fisher and Ury put it in their book, Getting To Yes.  

Is the problem stated the real problem or is there an underlying issue that is not being addressed?   

 2. Find points of agreement.  

 Nobody agrees on everything.  The reciprocal is also true.  Nobody disagrees on everything.  Find the mutual interests.  This is another good place to use open ended questions.  Where's the common ground? 

This is a good place to have your first agreement.  Once you have agreed on something, it makes the other issues less difficult.  

 3. Define what you have.

Rephrase or try to put in words what you have learned.  Have the other person help you on this.  For example, you might phrase it like this, "Are you saying....?"  Or, "Tell me if I understand this correctly..."  Or, "Now that I have restated this issue, what am I missing?" 

This is the only place where a binary question might have value.   

Here you want to insist on using objective criteria.  What are the real numbers? What tangible things can we point to in our discussion?  Yes, feelings are facts, but you cannot stack feelings in a pile and count them.  For example if someone says, "This makes me mad because it happens all the time."  My first question is, "How often is all the time?"

When "all the time" is really once a week, we discover we have an easier problem to solve.    

Facts are sunlight that melts away the frost of confusion.

 4. Work to a resolution. 

 If possible invent options for mutual gain where everybody walks away with something.  Start by working to find out what is negotiable vs. what is not.  What's on the table; what's not.  Don’t waste time dealing issues on which the other person is unwilling to move.  

 If the nonnegotiable issue is the rock in the stream to a successful denouement, you don't have many options left.  In a great book called Getting to Yes we learned that sometimes all you are left with is a best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA). If you occupy a superior position and are forced to become the dictator at least by following the steps above you know you did your part to get a mutually satisfactory resolution.  

 However, very few things are nonnegotiable.  What too often happens is the process does not continue far enough to determine what is negotiable vs. what is not.  So everything seems nonnegotiable.  

 If you only learn one thing about conflict, make it this.  Learn to ask open ended questions.  It is the single best tool in the toolbox of any manager or leader.  Use it in all 4 steps.  It works in all types of situations.  You will thank me on this.