The 4 Step Journey After a Setback: Part 3 = Experiment

This is the THIRD of four steps to develop a plan for when you have ‘lifequakes’ (family death, injury, divorce, major challenge), feel beaten or badly deflated. Last year I was thrilled to create a 7-step process to 10X your potential – and I use it with all my clients - it’s powerful. But I can personally attest that a big setback can throw you off that course completely, so you want a plan for setbacks just like you need an insurance policy, will, or retirement plan.?

This is The 4 Step Journey After a Setback and, no, it’s not easy. Steps 1 and 2 are about HEALING and Steps 3 and 4 are about making a COMEBACK.

1.????Stop and Grieve

2.????Accept

3.????Experiment

4.????New Meaning

STEP 3: EXPERIMENT

a)???????Consider the timeline to recover. Accept this as best as you can. When life has knocked the wind out of you and you are close to rock bottom, be reasonable about getting back on your feet.

b)???????When you feel somewhat ready, think on paper. Write your responses to: “What has life been trying to teach me? What can I do about this now?” Think about what you can control and do that’s positive in your life.

c)???????Keep seeking help: Very, very proactively seek out sources of any and all inspiration (because you probably won’t feel like it and they will do you a world of good): books, songs, people, films, comedies. It’s a curious thing, but when we’re feeling low, we tend to avoid people.

Yet what can often help us the most is actively reaching out to other people. We especially need reminders that everyone up to something big has to endure tough times (and the bigger the quest often it seems like the tougher the times). I try to remember the words of world champion athlete Amanda Allen: “When I thought I couldn’t go on, I just did the next most important thing. I just kept turning up.”?

What is your next most important thing that you just need to ‘turn up’ for??

Sometimes a friend will cajole you and get in your face to help you get a reality check to start taking action, but you can’t predict that happening. So you might well want to find someone like a coach to gently push you outside your comfort zone. One of the good things about the right coach is that s/he has no other agenda but to see you succeed. Also look out for role models that you may or may not know personally. Sometimes these can be people you look up to who inspire you enough to get in action.?

d)???????Experiment with new things: Transitions can be like hitting refresh or restart. Bruce Feiler, author of Life is in the Transitions, found that when times get really tough, some people get very creative. As they shift from the natural journey through isolation or disconnection, they create new attitudes, aptitudes, skills, talents, and means of expression. Some people reconnect to their childhood and become consumed with a desire to create and transform. They rekindle former passions, childhood fantasies, and long-dormant dreams. One interviewee told him: “God’s given me a second chance.”

Even though I’d been self-employed for over 20 years, for the first time in my life after my last setback I scrolled through my phone and started randomly calling people. Normally I’d dismiss it as too strange to call people out of the blue that I’d not spoken to in a few years, but times don’t feel the same after a big setback. It was a good experience and I had conversations I would never have otherwise had. While – fine – some people did not call me back - I was surprised by how many people sounded genuinely happy for the surprise call. Who knows what doors will open for me (and others that I connect with each other) over time?

Most importantly, understand that these changes are something you have to CHOOSE to do. Most of them won’t just happen to you. What helped me make these choices was one part desperation (!) and another part tuning in again to my heart more. Some of you will have better results tuning into your intuition – do whichever helps you most.

e)???????Learn to Shut the Duck Up! Catch your fear-based inner critic duck quacking away in your head. All Day!

While you are grieving, accepting, and experimenting, you can’t stop your human brain from having doubts, opinions, and fears. It’s the first thing that will happen after you try to steer your thinking on a more positive trajectory.

I will never forget interviewing three-time CrossFit Games World Champion Amanda Allen in 2019. She explained that when she started competing at ever higher levels, she noticed that the biggest differentiator wasn’t athletic ability, it was that the highest achievers had learned how to filter out unhelpful thoughts and memories better than everyone else.

In his phenomenal book, Solve for Happy, former Chief Business Officer at Google’s (X) Mo Gawdat recommends finding ways to “Shut the Duck Up” in your head by observing all the tiny details around you or pay close attention to your body or breathing – “something other than thought…(to) reduce (your brain’s) ability to engage in useless thoughts.” It can feel uncomfortable, but “you are not the voice in your head…(you) don’t have to listen to that duck anymore.”

Stay tuned for Step Four next week. If you think this was a worthwhile read, can you please forward it someone – anyone – who might find this helpful? At some point they are going to need it.

To the Japanese proverb: “Fall down seven times, get up eight.”

Matt

Copyright Matt Anderson, 2024