4 Powerful Ways To Get More Appreciation At Work (and at Home)

One recurring theme I hear among professionals every day is this: “Kathy, I’m just not appreciated at work.” People frequently share with me that their manager doesn’t respect or appreciate them, their colleagues take them for granted, and that they’re not recognized for the great work they’ve done. Men and women alike feel that their opinions and recommendations are ignored. Overall, I’ve seen that thousands of professionals across all fields, industries and levels believe they’re not getting what they deserve at work, and are fed up, demoralized and disengaged because of it.

I felt this too for years in my corporate life, and when I look back, I see that this sinking feeling followed me throughout my numerous jobs and roles. Even today, I struggle with remnants of this as a business owner, but when the feeling emerges, I now know what it’s about and how to handle it. In my training as a therapist in the years following 9/11, I learned something that completely transformed my understanding of how to address – and heal – this feeling of being chronically unappreciated and unrecognized.

Here’s what I know now: We are 50% of every problem we face, every relationship, and every challenge – not more, not less — because how we perceive reality shapes our experience. So if you’re chronically asking yourself, “Why don’t they appreciate me?” there are critical steps to take today to shift how you think, feel and behave at work that will help you begin to experience a new appreciation for who you are and what you do.

There are four strategies I’ve learned through my therapy training that I’ve incorporated in my own life and used successfully with clients to move away from chronic disappointment, toward feeling more validated, valued and honored in our work and our lives.

First, ask yourself, “How old is this feeling?”

When you experience the thought, “I’m not appreciated here!” stop, breathe deeply and ask yourself, “How old is this feeling?” Meaning, dig deeper and think about how long you’ve felt this in your life, and identify the earliest experience of it. I’d venture a strong guess that it goes back to your childhood. If you’re like me, you might have felt that you weren’t listened to by authority figures in the way you hoped. You might have felt disregarded, dismissed, as if your ideas and beliefs weren’t valid.

I’ve had clients tell me that their parents or teachers just shut them down and made fun of them when they expressed themselves, calling them “stupid,” “silly” or “foolish” for their thoughts and beliefs. One client shared that, from an early age, her deepest wish was to become a lawyer. But when, at age 12, she shared that with her parents, they laughed in her face and scorned the idea. And she’s struggled in every job since because what she really wants, she’s afraid to pursue and has grown to doubt every instinct she has. I’ve seen that the vast majority of people who feel chronically unappreciated have good reason to: as children, they weren’t validated, or worse, they were ridiculed for their beliefs and dreams.

Tip: Before you can start feeling differently, you need to do a little inner work to heal that wound. Take time to journal for a few short minutes this week about the feeling of being dismissed and unappreciated. How did it feel as a child to be ignored or put down, and who was responsible for it? Why do you think these people dismissed or ignored you? What were they going through in their lives and what happened in their childhoods that made them act that way? It’s sad to say, but often that dismissive behavior comes from a narcissistic individual who can’t tolerate being challenged and thinks only of himself. Talk it over with a coaching buddy or a mentor (or a therapist if the wound is deep and chronic). Get it out and let it out. Let yourself begin to heal the pain of feeling that you weren’t valued or “seen.”

Understand the exact type of appreciation you’re longing for.

Focus on the present for a moment, and try to understand exactly what form of appreciation you’re hoping for in your work. Do you want your boss to publicly thank you? Do you want more money and more responsibility? Do you want to be promoted? What is it that you really want?

Figure that out, and make it clearer (to yourself and to others) what you believe you deserve. When you stop ruminating and agonizing about it, and finally do something concrete, things will change. I recently worked with a client who felt devastated that she was passed over for a promotion, but didn’t say anything to her boss at the time. In our work together, we outlined steps for her to go back immediately to her boss, and express very clearly what she was expecting and why she felt that a promotion was well-deserved and timely. It went very well, and the reasons for her not getting a promotion were made clearer to her. She and her boss developed a plan together of her getting what she wanted within a six-month period. Her feelings about her job and her employer were completely transformed through this one, short yet potent conversation. No, it won’t always go this way, but the act of standing up for what you want is life-changing.

Tip: Build a very strong case for what you deserve, and go and ask for it . If you don’t get it, develop a strategic, well-formulated plan for what you want to do about it, from an empowered perspective.

Give yourself more appreciation.

You can't get appreciation if you withhold it from yourself every day. Instead of looking outside yourself at every turn for appreciation, start giving it to yourself. When you do something positive or important, something that matters to you, stop and appreciate yourself in meaningful ways. Feel grateful for what you are and have achieved. The more you can give yourself the recognition and appreciation you’re looking for, the more you stop needing it from the outside. Trust me on this – if you’re always looking for appreciation from others, it just won’t come. In fact, you’ll actively push it away, and your satisfaction with your life and work will be greatly diminished because of it.

Tip: Every day, wake up with a key intention for the day. Think about what’s on your plate, and create an intention for what you want to experience and how you want to act and behave at work. Maybe your intention is, “I will be more patient and compassionate with my staff.” Or perhaps it’s “I will take time for myself at lunch to regain my center, collect my thoughts, and feel less rushed and harried.” Be present with yourself and determine what you want more of that day. Then, at the end of the night, take five minutes to get in touch with yourself and explore how your intention impacted your day. You’ll find that becoming more intentional brings with it huge positive change. (For more on finding your center and becoming more present in life and work, check out Lodro Rinzler and his great meditation course Sit Like a Buddha.)

Give others more appreciation.

As much as I didn’t want to believe this when I first heard it, I’ve come to see that when we’re experiencing a deep lack of something in our own life, it’s often because we’re not giving it to others. Our life is a mirror. Therapy training taught me that we often “punctuate” events in our lives by starting with what others have done to us. We fail to punctuate it earlier, and see the part we’re playing in it, and how our behavior catalyzed the event. If we assess the interaction by going back to our contribution to it, we’ll see that we’re doing to others exactly what we don’t want others doing to us.

In other words, stop desperately looking for appreciation and start giving it to others. The more you can become other-focused rather than self-focused, the more appreciation, care, compassion and generosity will flow your way.

Tip: Every day, engage in a simple, random act of kindness. Send a complimentary email to someone. Congratulate a colleague for a job well done. Offer a hand to someone who’s been struggling at work. Give of yourself, and think about how you can assist and support someone else. Try this even with someone you’re finding really challenging to work with. And do it without expecting or wanting anything in return. It doesn’t have to take hours to do this – just 5 minutes. Giving appreciation to others in a more conscious way can change the whole tone of your life. (For more about generating more happiness in your life, check out the great work of Shawn Achor and take his 21-day Happiness Challenge.)

The upshot is that when we can heal ourselves and stop looking for appreciation and validation outside ourselves – and when we do something positive and empowered to pave the way for more appreciation — our lives and work dramatically shift for the better.

Do you feel chronically unappreciated at work?

(To build a happier, more successful career, download my free teleclass The Inner Game of Career Success, and take my 6-day Amazing Career Challenge).