#4: New Year, New Me? The Downside of Ambition

Over these last couple weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about setting ambitious goals, about life having other plans, about digging deep, about staying positive – about things not working out, or feeling burnt out, about hitting our breaking points, about getting overwhelmed.

I started January with a lot of excitement, ready to start putting some immense energy toward some big new goals for Girl Up. I had some important strategic realizations last fall and an incredible in-person experience networking with other like-minded bad ass women at the beginning of December. The wheels were turning. My excitement, passion and energy were ignited. January was going to be the beginning. I was ready to start putting all the pieces in place for a new, big, ambitious goal for Girl Up.

And then January 4, my daughter tested positive for COVID. We isolated her to keep my two-and-a-half-year old safe. He had to quarantine too because he’s under 5 and not able to be vaccinated. My New Year’s priority of “focus” turned and laughed at me – you’re going to focus all right, on your kiddos – hello again stay-at-work-from-home-mom. Just as their isolation ended and my daughter was 100% healthy, we got a big (for North Carolina) snow – that was really fun for two days over the three-day MLK holiday… that continued for two school snow days, two late arrivals and another snow day for daycare. My toddler went to school one day that week. OK, I thought, snow is over, now it’s time to “get to work” – I’m so ready!

Then my son tested positive – after keeping him safe in his own house, a couple days back out in the wild and we were right back at home again. Then I tested positive. We were all generally just not feeling well. Super disappointed about cancelled plans. Cooped up at home AGAIN. And all those ambitious goals I had set for the new year, for January, were just bouncing around out of reach, out of focus.

As I write this, I’m counting down the last days of quarantine so we can hopefully, finally, get back to normal. I am calling January a wash. February 3 will be my new New Year’s! I’m claiming a do-over!

Throughout these challenging weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about our Girl Up leaders all over the world – feeling all these same feelings, dealing with the same uncertainties and challenges of COVID but also at a time in their lives when the weight of their future – tests, college, jobs – and the weight of the world – climate, equality, rights – bears down on them in ways that none of us adults have experienced. Yet, they keep setting goals, they keep striving to make an impact. They push through, they persevere. Do they have the luxury of time, of do-overs; how do they actually stay ambitious and persevere?

I figured I could use a bit of inspiration this month, so I talked to Fernanda, one of our incredible Teen Advisors, a 16-year-old high school student in Peru – who is not only committed to women’s rights but is also an incredibly inspiring climate activist who uses her superpowers of creativity and empathy for social impact (!!). How is she handling all of this?

“When things don’t work out, first, I cry. I know it's very simplistic and maybe is not a positive answer. However, it's a way of expressing how I feel when things don’t go according to my plans.?It can be very frustrating to work hard and not reach my goals. It can even hurt.?But of course, I can't cry forever, so then I analyze and reflect on what I learned from that experience. I rescue the good. Also, I take time to restructure my action plan and look for new ways to achieve that goal. The point is to never give up despite the obstacles in front of me.?

“I think everybody has the idea that starting a new year is like a magical transition from your old version of December 31 to your new version of January 1 with productivity habits, self-confidence, self-growth, etc. Of course, that motivation is so important for our process to be better, but when we realize that our ideal of a perfect and productive version of ourselves is not working or is not like we planned, we feel frustrated, listless and that our goals no longer make sense. Thus, the main mistake is thinking that the process of reaching our goals is a straight line. This is too unrealistic because we are not considering difficult days or not feeling okay. We always want fast changes from one day to the next. I mean you don’t have to be a completely new version of yourself.

“Goal setting is my favorite part, brainstorming all I want to achieve, no matter the limits, and not allowing myself to overthink anything. An important element when I set goals is to consider different aspects of my life, like my mental health or my family, instead of just prioritizing academic goals, so I can find balance.?

“When we define our new year goals, I think it is so important to ask ourselves why we want to achieve them, what the benefits are, and what we hope to gain. In this way, we begin to justify our goals and have reasons to work on them. For me, creating a vision board is one of the most powerful ways to materialize my dreams. Through my vision board, I see that my goals are possible. I wake up and I say: I want that, and I will work on that. It is a very symbolic and inspiring feeling.

“I see myself as a person with a healthy ambition because I have the desire to be successful in my career and I am motivated to make positive change in my community. I know that part of being ambitious is accepting the difficulties of the process, and, when things don’t go according to plan, searching for solutions and being creative. In my experience as an activist, it is also essential to monitor my self-esteem while pursuing my goals, because without intentional monitoring, ambition can be converted into self-sabotage and achievement devaluation. I am always checking in with myself to ensure that my ambition doesn’t harm my mental health.

“Last December I applied to a program and on Wednesday, January 19, I received an email that said: “thank you very much, you were not accepted”. After that, I received 3 emails with invitations for other great opportunities to grow my skills. Real life works like this: one door closes and then others open. My value as a person, my skills, and abilities cannot depend on the validation of certain programs or achievements. Every achievement and every failure is a learning stage. Ultimately, everything lines up and the failures have a meaning, a why. I have failed many times, but it had to be that way and I learned from all of it."

Fernanda: “Your mental health is the most important thing. Take care of yourself, be understanding with yourself, and never stop dreaming and working for your goals.”        

Thank you, Fernanda. I felt so much of this so deeply. And yes, there have been some tears in January. And the dark side of ambition is so real. I think we can all take some great lessons from Fernanda when we have setbacks and how we are setting those goals to begin with. This month, my takeaway and my approach is to claim my do-over. I can’t change the circumstances, I can’t ignore that I lost some time and, let’s be honest, some real energy. But my “why” is important. My ambition is for this work and our collective impact, and I can’t let a setback set me back from all my goals. Frustration is the enemy of my mental health – staying positive, focused, and determined helps me push through the frustration, helps me to get back to being productive.

(February, PLEASE be good to me...)

How has your new year started out? What resonates for you from Fernanda’s deep and youthful wisdom?