4 Mental Limitations Holding You Back

The following is adapted from Average Sucks.

As you grow, each experience, both positive and negative, sends a message to your brain. A split-second event, a few words, and emotions—a parent’s reprimand, a teacher’s praise, a failure where others succeeded—ends up shaping your life, telling you what is good, what is bad, what is possible, and what is not. 

These messages pile up until they became impenetrable walls, trapping you in a box of limitations. If you don’t do something about it, you will spend your entire life trapped in this mental box, until you finally leave this world, going out in a physical box. 

From box to box is no way to live, so let’s talk about how you can escape the four mental limitations that form the walls of your box—your support wall, your dream wall, your identity wall, and your relationship wall.

Limitation #1—Your Support Wall

The first limitation is your support wall. This is the back wall of your box, the one that supports you and represents what you’ve surpassed and don’t ever want to revisit.

You have things in your past that you refuse to accept in your present. The wall behind you represents what you’ve pushed through in the past, and everything behind it you want no part of. These things in your past could be related to your personal life or your professional life.

• I’ve had a caterer tell me, “I’ll never go without a sous chef again.”
• A dentist told me, “I’ll never wash my own linens again.”
• A client told me, “I’ll never settle for someone who doesn’t care about my goals.”
• A realtor told me, “I’ll never miss my kid’s soccer game for an open house again.”

When you say, “I don’t want to feel that way again,” your brain hears you clearly. It says, “OK, we can’t let that happen. We’re going to build limitations so you never have to feel that again.”

That’s the wall behind you. Sometimes this wall is built out of fear and can prevent you from taking needed risks to achieve what you want, but for the most part, this wall can—and should—be a good thing. It should be a healthy boundary setting your minimum standards of what you must have to be happy and what behaviors you will not ever repeat. 

Once you’ve decided what you don’t want, your mind instantly asks, “Well, if I don’t want that, and I won’t go there, what do I want?” And so it looks ahead to see what’s next, and that’s when it runs into the wall in front of you.

Limitation #2—Your Dream Wall

The wall in front of you represents every dream, target, or goal you have. “I want to be happy. I want to be a millionaire, I want a Ferrari, I want a beach house, I want a great sex life, I want the perfect relationship. I want it all.”

This wall was created over time based on experiences that told you what your limits are. Though it’s called the dream wall, this is actually the wall that prevents you from reaching your dreams.

Most people approach the dream wall, give it a little nudge, see that it’s rock-solid, and chicken out. They settle for the easy, routine comfort zone of their lives.

A client I’ve known for over twelve years had a really thick dream wall. He had a fantastic medical practice and loved his work, loved helping people feel better and be healthier, yet he also wanted more time with his kids and wife, the chance to mentor people, and of course more money. But every time he went to expand, something went wrong:

He hired another doctor who ended up embezzling money. He remodeled and had to pay a fine to a shady landlord looking for a quick buck. He hired a practitioner to offer specialized services who then left and solicited his patients. He lost thousands to a social media company that made a lot of empty promises.

By this point, he had a really thick limitation wall in front of him that said, “When you try to grow, something bad happens that costs a lot of time, energy, and money.”

The good news is he had highly effective internal communication, so he was able to see the wall for what it was and overcome it. Despite the past limitations that had been built, he took the chance and expanded his practice. He is now thriving as I write this.

If you can just get through to the other side of this invisible wall, you’ll finally get what you want. But there are still two more walls limiting you.

Limitation #3—Your Identity Wall

The third wall—your identity wall—dictates who you are, how you show up, and what people think of you. You may have inherited your identity wall from your family or culture, or it may have been created through the events in your life. However it came to be, your identity is the sum total of your individuality, personality, beliefs, and self-image.

Your identity is not set in stone, but it tends to default to the same script. You work, do your thing, live your life, and every night you get in bed, set your phone on your nightstand, and right next to it, you put your script of who you were today. It’s the script you unknowingly keep close at hand because your brain needs it to run your life on autopilot and sure it’s easy.

When you wake up in the morning, either excited or tired, you know in your heart you can be anything you want in the world. You ask yourself, “What’s going to happen today? Whom am I going to be today?”

Before you can answer, your mind brings your awareness to the easiest and best option that’s right there beside you, your script on the nightstand that tells you how you are going to live today, which is the same way you lived yesterday and determines your tomorrow.

And then you do it all over again, every day of the week, wanting the life you truly desire but settling into the same old rut you’ve been living day in and day out.

Your identity carries the strongest psychological pull to maintain the status quo of your life. You live it, people see it … and that’s it.

Limitation #4—Your Relationship Wall

People form your fourth wall—your relationship wall—and they are there to do one very specific thing: remind you of who you are. They cheer you on, excited for you to be who you are, and as you grow out of your box, they will grow with you and be left in your life—or they won’t and they’ll be left behind.

This fourth wall solidifies your box and is potentially the hardest wall to tear down.

Take a look around at the people in your life. Some are right beside you as you go for your goals and want you to break out of your box. They believe in you and support you.

There are also the people that are there because they keep you safe and make sure your life works the way you designed it. At the same time, they are keeping you inside your box. They are happy to support you as you continue being the person you are. Anything else makes them uncomfortable—whether they say it out loud or not.

I’ll say this once: the people in your life will grow with you, keep you where you are, or hold you back. 

Before you attempt to get out of your box, you must surround yourself with people that want you to get out. Otherwise, you will have no chance of getting out.

Sometimes this means ending unhealthy relationships, and other times it means working on your communication in order to make sure the people around you are aligned with and supportive of your interests moving forward.

The wrong people will keep you trapped, but with the right people, you can more easily break out of your limiting box.

Get Out of Your Box

So how do you break out of your box to get what you want?

The first step is simply recognizing that you are stuck in the box in the first place and that you will not be able to achieve what you want within its four walls. From the inside, this box can feel very uncomfortable. It can be hard to see it as a bad thing, but even a gilded cage is still a prison.

The second step is working on your personal growth, by changing your perspective and your actions. Look at your support wall and think about how far you’ve come, and then look forward to your dream wall and how far you still want to go. Are you dreaming as big as you can? What concrete steps are you taking to achieve those dreams? 

Then question your identity: Who do you think you are, and why? Whom do you want to be? What can you do to be that person?

Finally, evaluate your relationships and begin surrounding yourself with people who will help you achieve all you want. 

You may have noticed that there is no ceiling in this box. If you grow big enough, you can simply step outside of the box. And once you’re outside of the box, there is no telling what you can accomplish.

For more advice on overcoming your mental limitations and building the life you want, you can find Average Sucks on Amazon.

When Michael Bernoff got called out for not living up to his potential, it bothered him. But rather than shrinking from the challenge, he chose to step up and solve a problem he saw in the personal development industry. This quest led him to develop Human Interaction Technology, which moves society forward through the power of communication. From there, Michael founded the Human Communications Institute, which is dedicated to creating rapid and lasting change in people’s lives. He works with entrepreneurs, athletes, executives, and Fortune 500 companies, offering courses, live events, and leadership training for those who want to achieve a life beyond limits.