The 4 Levels of Listening

The 4 Levels of Listening

The first thing to understand about listening is that there are levels to the game.

The first level of listening is the total inability to listen. This is where a person is simply unable to allow another person to speak for any length of time. This level of listening is generally exemplified by a very base level of consciousness.

The second level of listening is still unconsciously reactive but could be considered the ‘average’ level of listening. This is where the person, the ‘listener,’ is simply waiting for their turn to speak. This occurs in either one of two capacities; either impatiently waiting for the speaker to finish so they can talk about themselves or impatiently waiting for the speaker to finish so they can project their version of reality onto the person. Because they just know what that person needs to do with their life and their problems.

The third level of listening is a big step in the evolution of humanity and is referred to as ‘active listening.’ This is where the listener is purposefully quiet thus allowing the speaker to continue uninterrupted whilst they listen for specific verbal cues as to what is happening with the person talking. Now, this level of listening could be considered to be highly advanced, but the problem is that it’s not true listening because the listener still has an ‘agenda.’ Their agenda is not really to listen, but to artificially engage and construct a response to any perceived query or issue that the speaker presents.

For most people this level of listening is so far above and beyond what they are used to that they have a tendency to laud and covet this form of listening. But most people are also highly mentalized and thus disconnected from their intuition and ability to ‘hold space.’ Thus, they are unaware that this form of listening is still inauthentic due to its mentalization. When you mentalize you are not connecting with that person, but allowing your own linear egoic mind to box and label them or their problems, etc.

The fourth level of listening should be the goal of every human being to eventually have the capacity to enact and engage with. This is the ability to ‘hold space’ or ‘unconditionally listen.’

To be able to unconditionally listen to someone is likely the most profound thing that you will ever do for them. This is due to two factors: its rarity and its ability to transform the person you enact it for.

You see, most people have never had someone listen without agenda. Most people, even the most patient appearing listeners, are simply waiting to project their version of their reality onto you. They are not actually listening, but mentalizing your problems, issues, or situation. This isn’t true listening but an agenda driven form of projection.

What if Someone Asks Me?

Of course, it’s radically different if someone is asking you for your opinion or advice. Then and only then is it no longer a form of projection. This is because there is a conscious objective and permission given to provide your feedback for the potential situation or issue.

It’s also different than the mind-numbing act of gossip, which is usually enacted by the unconscious masses.

The Highest Form of Listening

Unconditional listening is THE highest form of listening and requires your ability to ‘hold space.’ This is when you’re able to fully listen to the person and have no unconscious reaction (resistance) to what they share when they are talking. It’s so powerful and so rare that it can become a transformative tool in and of itself. This is because most people have never been able to fully express themselves without fear of some form of unconscious reactivity.

The average person is unable to fully hear you and your problems. They will become uncomfortable and immediately begin spouting out (projecting) their mentalized solutions or versions of reality onto you. What it means for someone who really wants to air something out is that they will have to keep it to themselves for fear of being projected upon by someone who they would like to trust just to hear them.

Thus, when you finally find someone who has that capacity, it can become transformative. This is because you might be able to finally speak your truth, to talk about and air out things that you have never told another human being before.

Emotional Dumping

It’s important to note that some people who have a natural ability to unconditionally listen or hold space also have a tendency to lack proper boundaries. In turn, these are people who often inadvertently enable people to emotionally dump on them, which is not holding space. This just means you’re enabling someone to offload their emotional refuse onto you without any motivation to take responsibility for themselves and change. Additionally, you will feel the effects of taking on their emotional garbage and will have to spend some time re-centering yourself after every one of these types of encounters.

Thus, holding space should be considered a conscious endeavor and not something that you allow to happen because you haven’t developed proper boundaries.

The ability to say ‘no,’ or ‘I’m sorry, I can’t’ or ‘not right now’ is thus essential for those people who were born with this natural gift.

Generally speaking it’s rare, but there are a certain percentage of people who are naturally born with this ability.

How To Get There?

For the rest of us, however, one must begin to cultivate this ability of unconditional listening. This is done through meditation, breathwork, and emotional integration. If you are the walking wounded and have never addressed your own suppressed emotional charges from childhood, then you will likely not be good at unconditional listening. Although people who have undergone more challenges than the rest of us have a tendency to be some of the most authentic people to talk to, if they haven’t done the work to heal themselves, then they can also subsequently be the worst.

This is because unhealed people might be tempted to medicate themselves and thus become aggressively projective and neurotic. It can be very difficult to have an authentic interaction with someone who is substituting psychoactive meds for doing the work of emotional healing. They are not going to want to have those deeper conversations because it makes them nervous about what they may uncover about themselves.

It’s also true that some people have needed to take meds in order to maintain an ability to be societally functional. And thus, there is no judgement against anyone who is currently taking meds In order to stay productive and provide for their family.

But, until you eventually ween yourself fully off them, you will have trouble connecting with people on an authentic level.

It All Starts With Intention

If you want to cultivate the ability to be able to unconditionally listen, listening with no reactivity and no agenda, then it starts with your intention to be able to do so. You must want to be able to develop this ability. You must want to be able to truly hear someone. You must want to be an uncommon listener. You must have the authentic desire to sit and listen to someone.

Again, this is not the codependent behavior of allowing someone to emotionally dump on you who has no desire to seek resolution or to change. Rather, this is the profound art of listening in stillness where you are not simultaneously thinking about how to heal them, how to fix them, or how to solve their problems.

It’s not that you aren’t interested in helping them, it’s that you’re more interested in allowing them to speak their truth. Interestingly and perhaps ironically, many people who are allowed to fully speak their truth are able to spontaneously absolve their own problems. The profound act of feeling safe enough to fully speak their truth is often all the healing they need in order for their lives to start moving forward again.

However, the perfect or best time to offer reflection is when and if a person asks for it. Thus, what you will often find is that, after the person has fully spoken their truth, that not only have they become more aware of themselves, but you are now more equipped to provide a clear reflection of what you see. This is because you have allowed them to fully air their truth while sitting in stillness and thus gain the ability to provide them with a clearer mirror back into their own lives.

The less you unconsciously project, the more you heal.

This is the art of unconditional listening and the highest potential form of listening that you may ever engage in.

It all starts with your intention.

#listening #communication #deepwork #emotionalhealing

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