#4 The Good, Bad & Ugly of Comparing at Work

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU THINK

"I'm working on the same team. Why does SHE get transferred to the better project?"

"They aren't even that good, dammit. What's up with THEM securing all the clients?"

"I'm working just as hard. I've been here longer. Why does HE get the raise and the promotion?"

"Well, at least I'm not like HER. I got it pretty good."

…you’re in the Good, Bad & Ugly of comparing, comparing, comparing at work.

THINK // 3 insights from the field

?? THE GOOD THING about comparing with others is that it is a natural part of the work of being human.

We are social creatures who make sense of the world by

• studying the environment of "what's happening outside of us" so that we can
• make sense of "what's happening inside of me" and thus,
• adapt and better position ourselves in the environment.

In short, we have to compare so that we can learn about who we are, who we want to be and who we must be in the world.

?? THE BAD THING about comparing is that it can be a big unneccessary distraction.

If we are working out and we get caught up comparing with how the other guy is bench-pressing a lot more than we are, we stop monitoring our own form. If we are eating out and we get caught up comparing how the other table's meal looks so much better than ours, we get distracted from simply enjoying whatever we have ordered and enjoying the company we are in.

In Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart, she frames the essential problem of comparison as this:

This is why comparing does not help us to be truly creative and innovative. To create and innovate, you have to be OK with not fitting in all the time and not being at the same pace as everyone else is. To create and innovate, you cannot keep being distracted by the need to conform - and frustrated by your drive to conform faster, better, higher than the next person.

Comparing consumes our mind space with over-concern for someone else' performance when we could be using our valuable mind space to show more, if not equal, concern for our own performance.

We can only really focus on one thing at a time and when our focus is on other people, we stop focusing on taking care of our own needs, working on our own things and running our own race.

TLDR: Stop comparing yourself to others. Wish them well. Focus on competing with yourself.

?? THE UGLY THING about comparing is that it can also reveal our deepest insecurities and most awful instincts.

Healthy comparing can happen from a position of deep internal security about who we are and who others are.

When we compare from a position of deep internal insecurity about ourselves or others, comparing will only bring us endless grief, disappointment and frustration.

If you follow Eric Berne and Frank Ernst's work on Transactional Analysis, you'll know about the infamous "OK Corral" of 4 Life Positions that we can operate from.

Berne believed that we are all born ‘OK’ — in other words all of us are born with inherent worth, goodness and dignity.

I'm OK, You're OK: "Get On With It"

If we were raised securely by secure parents, we would have a secure positive Story of Self "I'm OK" and a secure positive Story of Others "You're OK".

• When other people do well in their lives, we are secure enough in ourselves to congratulate them and wish them well. Or secure enough to study their life objectively and humbly enough to learn something that we want to apply in our own journey.
• We can compare, learn what we need to learn and then "Get On" with living our own lives.

But Life happens. Imperfection happens. Trauma happens. Not all of us end up with highly secure stories of ourselves or others.

This is what comparing from insecurity looks like:

I'm NOT OK, You're OK: "Gets Away from It"

Some of us tend to do a lot of upward social comparison: we feel inferior to those that we perceive as "one-up" on us, superior in terms of competence, intelligence, networks, wealth, attractiveness etc.

• Upward comparison makes us grit our teeth and feel miserable inside. We may smile, please, flatter and fawn people on the outside but feel increasingly demoralised inside as we keep seeking "What is wrong with me? How can I fall so short vs. everyone else?"
• We compare, grouse, beat ourselves up and "Get Away" from learning what we need to learn. We may be so consumed with inner envy and inferiority that we Get Away from "superior" people we need to learn from.

I’m OK, You’re not OK: "Gets Rid of It"

Some of us do more downward social comparison: we feel superior to those that we perceive as "one-down", inferior to us in terms of competence, intelligence, networks, wealth, attractiveness etc.

• We may "Get Rid" of people, projects and situations that we feel are beneath us.
• Downward comparison robs us of joy too. The short burst of "positivity" from our secret gloating, smugness, self-congratulation and self-righteous does not last. We don't actually feel joy because joy is rooted in that somatic "lighting up" that we feel when we are authentically connected to people, to ideas, to things that we authentically appreciate.

I’m not OK, You’re not OK: "Gets Nowhere"

This is a relatively rare position. It is a double whammy of a life stance that happens when we suffered significant wounding early on in life that we feel totally insecure about ourselves and the world at large. The world feels hopeless. We feel hopeless. We blow hot and hold, doing both upward and downward comparison, swinging between feeling paradoxically both anger and depression at our inferiority and inflated egotism about our superiority.

• We tend to project our insecurities on everything and self-sabotage even the best opportunities and best relationships thrown at us.
• This life stance generally Gets Nowhere because it is a stance without forward momentum.

FEEL // 2 links to help you feel less alone

• READ Farnam Street's opinion piece about why we need to stop comparing
• READ Researcher Brene Brown's chapter from Atlas of The Heart "Where We Go When We Compare"

DO // 1 actionable strategy to try in the week

??? NOTICE the next time you hear yourself start comparing from a position of "I'm Not OK" or "you are Not Ok" insecurity. Practice reframing your comparing so that it comes from a more secure position of "I'm OK, You're OK"

FIRST, GET CURIOUS

• Which permutation of “I’m Not OK” and “You’re Not OK” am I coming from?
• What does that tell me about where my insecurity comes from: insecurity in myself? Or insecurity about other people?

THEN, PRACTICE REFRAMING FOR YOURSELF

1. Wish the other person well so you can refocus on yourself. If you cannot, then try something neutral like “You be you and I’ll focus on me.” or “You run your race. And I have to run mine".”

Experiment with reframing the comparing statement from "I'm Not OK" or "you are Not OK" insecurity to a more 'I'm OK, You're OK" statement + a more useful question you can ask yourself

? Insecure Comparing (I'm OK, You are NOT OK)

• "I’m working so hard. Why does he get the promotion?!”

? Secure Comparing (I'm OK, You are OK) + more useful question

"I’m working hard. He’s working at something that I may not see or appreciate. He got the promotion. I can get a promotion too. I wonder what he’s been working on? Is it something that I ought to be curious about too?

? Insecure Comparing (I'm NOT OK, You are OK)

• "I'm just not as extroverted as the rest of them. They always knows how to entertain a crowd and I just don’t know what to do with myself."

? Secure Comparing (I'm OK, You are OK) + more useful question

• "I’m introverted, quiet and analytical. They are extroverted and entertaining. We are different and that’s OK. I wonder what if next time I just shared what I am analysing and thinking about instead of keeping it to myself? Maybe that is my version of talking in a crowd?”

NOTICE also the next time you hear someone else start comparing from a position of "I'm Not OK" or "you are Not Ok" insecurity.

??? NOTICE ALSO the next time you hear yourself or someone else start comparing from a position of "I'm Not OK" or "you are Not Ok" insecurity.

This is a great oppportunity to not stop the natural urge to compare but to practice reframing the comparing so that it comes from a more secure position of "I'm OK, You're OK"

FIRST, GET CURIOUS

Try to discern how comparing from "I'm Not OK" or "you are Not OK" insecurity sounds like:

• I am just not as........as X
• I'm better at.......than X.
• They are better at.........than us

THEN, PRACTICE REFRAMING

Experiment with reframing the comparing statement from "I'm Not OK" or "you are Not OK" insecurity to a more 'I'm OK, You're OK" statement.

? Insecure Comparing (I'm OK, You are NOT OK)

• "I don't understand how Company A keeps getting the projects we bid for. They are not as smart or hardworking as us. What's wrong here?!"

? Secure Comparing (I'm OK, You are OK)

• "I think we work smart and we work hard at serving our clients. Company A works smart at looking at client problems from a unique angle. They also work hard at improving their processes all the time. We are doing a lot of good things and we certainly can learn alot from how Company A is approaching things."

? Insecure Comparing (I'm NOT OK, You are OK)

• "I guess I got looked over for a promotion because I'm not as charismatic at presenting as Ken. Ken always knows how to win over a crowd and I'm just too boring."

? Secure Comparing (I'm OK, You are OK)

• "You got looked over for a promotion. Ken is certainly charismatic at presenting and winning over a crowd. You have your own quiet draw though. You make grounded assessments and clear, principled decisions that I appreciate. I would love to see you lean more into those strengths when you present?"

? Insecure Comparing (I'm Not OK, You are NOT OK)

• "Gosh, I really screwed up that project. I can't believe it, it's depressing. Your project looks like it's going haywire too, huh? I guess we are both f***ed. Life sucks."

? Secure Comparing (I'm OK, You are OK)

• "My project definitely went south a bit. I made lots of mistakes but I am learning a lot from fixing whatever I can. You made mistakes for sure but I know you've good instincts and some good networks that might be able to help you sort that issue out. I've seen you get out of messes before. We are both in a long learning season for sure and I'm right here with you."

If you want to shift the personal dynamics, professional situations or organisational cultures around you, I would love to help you.

I help my organisational clients strategise how to change what's working/not working in their culture. I design interventions, train leaders & their people in necessary skills and facilitate necessary conversations on their behalf. You can also look up our public training offerings at Common Ground Civic Centre such as this one:

Have a worthy weekend, workplace warriors.

Leading organisational cultural change is a good and meaningful thing. But it can be a battlefield through some bad things and ugly things. I'm here for you in the trenches.

Every Friday, you’ll get 3 insights + 2 links + 1 strategy to arm you for Monday.

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Meanwhile, get some rest this weekend.

I'll see you next Friday,

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Wishing you love, power & meaning,

Shiao