4 Anxiety-Inducing Questions Every Parent & Student Has About Exams

To every parent with a child doing A-Level or GCSE exams in the next few weeks & months (and to every student sitting any exam):

I know that this can be an anxious time.

I initially wrote this article to alleviate the distress some parents face during these times, but GCSE, A-Level and university students will benefit from reading it too (just put yourself in place of any references to 'your children' or 'they').

Some of the most common concerns that parents & students bring up with me can be separated into 3 categories.

1) Preparation:

• Are our children doing enough hours of work?
• Are they doing the right revision tasks?
• Are they actually sticking to their plan, or are they procrastinating?

(Unsurprisingly perhaps, most students ask the same in relation to themselves).

2) Performance:

• What if they get stressed on the day and freeze up?
• What if they face a question they didn't prepare for?
• What if they come back in tears, or feel like giving up?

3) The Future

• What if their results aren't good enough?
• What if they miss their uni offers?
• What if their grades are too low to apply to top universities or top jobs?
• How will it affect their future if they take a gap year?

And the final question that every parent asks: could I be doing more to help them?

If you find yourself asking these questions, please know that you're not alone.

Below, I've tried to summarise ideas that my clients (both parents and students) that I've worked with in the past have found helpful. These answers are by no means exhaustive - I have an entire online library of resources for students on these topics, and I could write a book on this topic for parents (perhaps I will) - but I hope it offers a good start to easing your anxieties.

(This post is a long one, so please don't feel pressured to read it all in one go.)

Q1) Preparation: Are they doing enough hours of studying? Are they doing the right revision tasks? Are they sticking to their plan, or procrastinating?

In terms of hours, this will vary for every student - there is no one size fits all.

We can't conflate quantity of hours for quality of hours. One student has the stamina to work for 8 hours, but isn't efficient. Another works for just 4 hours, but very productively. One can focus for 1.5 hours but then needs a long break, another can only focus for 25 minutes until they need a short break, but can repeat that multiple times.

Ideally, each student should find the number of hours that they can sustain each day while producing high-quality output, and then gradually build and develop this with practice.

Studying is like any other muscle - it can be trained. When you're highly trained, you know exactly which task will help you to get the most value per each unit of time you spend on it, and you can work for a good number of hours at a high level of concentration.

When the muscle is untrained, you don't know what the best way to study is, and studying is sporadic and inefficient.

Like any form of 'muscle building', pushing too hard without training will lead to more harm than good - in this case, high stress and burnout.

And not creating enough time to rest will exhaust you. This is why rest and recreation must always be part of the plan, as opposed to being perceived as a distraction.

The only way to figure out what works for each student is to experiment and reflect. Experiment with different lengths of studying periods and rest, and reflect on what worked & what didn't work. Experiment with different techniques when doing past-papers or essay plans, and reflect on how effective they felt and how they could be improved.

Planning is the tool we use to make this happen.

Trying to execute a study plan, no matter how basic, will yield valuable insights when reflected upon. For example, they can reflect about when they worked well, and when their concentration wavered. Underestimating how long tasks take will show them what's realistic at this stage, and they can reflect on how they can become more efficient with time and practice. From this information, they can then gradually increase their high-quality hours of study in a sustainable way.

The key is to make planning judgement-free. In other words, no criticism if you fail to keep to the plan, or if you procrastinate. Just reflect on why it may have happened, learn from it, and apply those lessons for the next iteration of the plan.

While this may seem counter-intuitive, it's vital if we want to maintain a positive emotional association with planning and studying. If planning and studying only incites negative emotions within us (because of how badly we'll be perceived if we don't stick to it), we'll have no incentive to do it. We don't want to associate negative emotions with actually taking the right actions towards our goals.

Q2) Performance: What if they get stressed on the day and freeze up? What if they face a question they didn't prepare for? What if they come back in tears, or feel like giving up?

It is inevitable that, at some point during the exams process, your child will have a sub-optimal exam. Perhaps their nerves caused them to panic. Perhaps they encountered a question they were ill-prepared for. Perhaps they had a bad night of sleep, and it affected their performance the next day.

The key is not in avoiding these situations altogether, but in how one responds to the situation. The exam process requires a lot of stamina. The aim here is not to have an incident-free set of perfect exams (which is unrealistic), but to make it so that a student's bounce-back time from each sub-optimal exam is as quick as possible, so that they can perform better in subsequent ones.

In other words, we want students to be able to emotionally process the disappointment of a bad exam quicker, so that they can begin preparing for the next exam sooner with a positive mindset.

When it comes to exam-day itself, this concept of bounce-back time translates equally well. It's the ability to encounter a tough question or have a poor start to the paper, and be able to bounce-back from the anxiety or disappointment within 5 minutes, as opposed to (for example) 15 minutes. After all, every minute counts in an exam.

While it may not sound like much, these small improvements in bounce-back time pay dividends over the course of an exam. The extra mark gained by a 5-minute quicker bounce-back time could be the difference between being below a grade boundary and being above it.

The same goes for the exam period overall. A 2-hour quicker bounce-back after a tough exam means perhaps 1-hour more revision for the next one.

But what if your child comes back in tears?

It's your job as a parent to create a psychologically safe-space in which they can process their emotions. Your job is not to fix it for them, or just throw advice in their direction (unless you're asked). Your job is to reaffirm your belief in them, help them appreciate how far they've come during this journey, reinforce that you're proud of them, and ask them what they'd like from you going forwards.

Your job is not to dismiss them, or tell them how important it is that they do well. Your job is not to panic or take on their stress. Your job is not to give them unsolicited advice. Listen with patience. Manage your emotions with self-compassion. And ask them what you can do to help; don't assume you know what they need.

If they say they feel like giving up, listen to them. Be patient. Be compassionate. No parent wants to hear those words, but do your utmost to control your own fears and anxieties. If you speak out of fear or dismiss their emotion, that only adds more pain to what they're feeling, which increases the length between the setback and the bounce-back time.

As a parent, give your child space to vent, without taking on their emotions. Express that you understand how tough it is. Alleviate any concerns they may have about their future. Reaffirm how proud you are of them. (I know, I'm repeating myself, but it bears repeating).

And then, if they give you permission, ask them the right questions to help them to figure out how they can make changes for next time.

Q3) Future: What if their results aren't good enough? What if they miss their uni offers? What if their GCSE scores are too low to apply to top universities? How will it affect their future if they take a gap year?

Anxiety about the future affects both the students sitting their exams and their parents. As parents, it can sometimes feel even tougher - you really don't have any control over the outcome! And it feeds your worst fears of your children struggling in life...

The key to dealing with these questions is to analyse the worst-case scenario (in terms of both what would happen, and how probable it is that the worst case may actually occur) and figure out how you would deal with the emotional and practical consequences.

The truth is that the practical consequences, while not ideal, are rarely ever too consequential in the long-term when looked at with perspective.

And the worst-case scenarios are so improbable that they're not worth spending too much time ruminating over. If your children feel loved and supported, they will bounce-back, no matter what happens in a set of exams.

Mental health isn't worth trading for grades. I have a number of friends from my time at Cambridge University whose mental health declined so significantly at university or in their jobs soon after that they had to leave those environments.

Success in the eyes of others is meaningless if your own lens is tainted by misery and suffering.

Taking a gap year and resitting exams is becoming more and more common, especially as COVID-19 made university places so much more competitive over the last year. Getting into your first choice university and struggling is just as possible as going into the clearing process and loving the university you end up in.

And with regards to not getting the top GCSE grades - let's stop glamorising Oxbridge. There are many other brilliant universities that will lead your child to the same opportunities.

When it comes to jobs, nowadays it's less about your degree & place of study, and far more about how proactive you are. It's about expanding your network, taking part in internships, and doing projects in your own time. I know many students that have secured their jobs through a process which began by informally organising a chat with an employee on LinkedIn.

Many of the most successful and fulfilled people I know where those who initially failed to achieve their ideal university goal or grades.

Why? Because they finally had to think for themselves. Having deviated from the standard path, they could no longer just keep putting their feet in the footprints society defined for them. They were free to choose their next step.

If they reapplied to university, they did it out of choice, and their commitment was far higher than their peers.

Compared to those same peers, they were less afraid to step outside of their comfort zone in terms of building their network. They were more willing to give their best regardless of outcome, and they were far less afraid of rejection.

It seems that, having encountered failure, they were less afraid of it, and so were more able to take actions that enabled them to succeed in the future.

While I don't expect the above to completely alleviate any anxiety you have for your children's (or your own) future, I hope it helps to put some of your worries in perspective.

Q4: Could I be doing more?

No! You're doing wonderfully to have come this far.

Please, please, please don't be too hard on yourselves. Parents put themselves under far too much stress about their children's future. And students are feeling stressed enough about their future without having the right emotional tools to handle that stress.

Parents, the best things you can do for your children: be present in their lives without being domineering, be able to listen without needing to fix their problems, be understanding as opposed to invalidating their experiences, and be loving even when you feel afraid for them.

The more you do the above, the more they may actually invite you in for your input. And as we all know, we respond far better to advice or ideas when we ask for them, compared to when others thrust them onto us.

Keep on top of your own self-care (tough as parents). Be open-minded to new ideas (perhaps even tougher at points). And don't be afraid to let your child make mistakes (the toughest one of all). I'm sure you made mistakes in your life - and you learned from them and became who you are today. Don't deny your children those same opportunities for growth.

Let me say it again - you're doing amazingly to have come this far in your journey as parents. Remind yourselves of that every day.

And students - I know it's tough. I know the future feels uncertain and daunting. I know the pressure sometimes feels overwhelming. I know it's easier to distract ourselves from the emotions we feel.

Don't be afraid of your emotions. Be patient with yourself. Try and take one small step each day towards your goals, without attaching too much importance to any of those goals. Learn from the process, instead of talking yourself out of trying for fear of a bad outcome. And be kind to yourselves when it comes to your self-talk. If you're not your own biggest fan, who the hell is going to be?

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If any of the ideas above are unclear or you'd like to discuss them further, please do get in touch with me and I'd be happy to answer your questions. You can reach me via LinkedIn, email ([email protected]) or through my websites, www.kamtaj.com or www.examsuccessacademy.com .

Students - good luck with your upcoming exams, and beyond!

Parents - wishing you all the best during these next few months, and beyond!

With gratitude,

Kam