36 Life Lessons From 36 Years
Joel Burgess
Leadership & Business Coach to Heart-Led Coaches, Consultants & Entrepreneurs | Ancient Wisdom. Modern Systems. 10-50k Months. | ft. Forbes |?? Steal My System??
I turned 36 last week and it dawned on me that I am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been.
Whilst I still have a lot to learn and many more challenges to overcome, I feel extremely well equipped to do so with passion, integrity and joy.?
So I wanted to share the key lessons life has offered me so far... here goes...
Lesson 1. Think Big. Go Small.
Dan Sulivan says,
“The bigger the future the better the present.”
Our view of our future determines how we act today.
With small goals, our thoughts are small. With small thoughts, we tend to hold onto small things. Relationships that keep us small. Habits that keep us small. Jobs that keep us small.
These small things keep us busy, feeling needed and comfortable.?But excellence and a meaningful life NEVER come from being busy and comfortable.
When your goals expand, on the other hand, so does your vision, and you start to see beyond the invisible cage your small goals had you trapped in.
You no longer entertain lesser things, conversations or thoughts. You begin to let go of the relationships you’ve been holding onto, and start surrounding yourself with people at the level of your future self instead.
You naturally get pulled in the direction of your bold vision, rather than dragged down by your mediocre goals.
But the REAL skill is in marrying your big thinking with the humbleness to act small.
For me, Gary Vee’s principle of “Macro Patience and Micro Urgency”?and Tony Robbins’ quote of?“We underestimate what we can achieve in a decade, but overestimate what we can achieve in a year”?sum this up.
I know I will get to a version of my very bold and ambitious vision. And how I will get there is with patience, staying in the game and having high urgency with my small daily actions and habits. Daily habits and actions that are so small that most think they’ll make no difference, so they just don’t do them.
But it’s these small daily habits that will dictate how successful or unsuccessful you will be in life.
Think big. Have faith you will get there. Let go of anything that’s keeping you small. And develop the humbleness to pour all your energy into your small daily actions and habits.
Lesson 2. You can ask anyone for anything if you don't buy into your thinking about what it would mean if they said 'no’
I learned this one from Michael Neill and it has transformed my business.
For most of my life, I would hold back from asking for what I wanted. I was unaware of the stories I was projecting onto what hearing a ‘no’?might mean for me.
Stories like…?“If they say no, it means,
… I’m not good enough”
… I’m wrong”
… I’m not smart enough”
… My product is a load of rubbish”
… I have to change everything”
… I have to start everything again”
… it will confirm my fears”
I was putting my self-image, self-esteem and even survival on the line along with my request.
I had a fixed mindset and a belief that a?no?would confirm all the stories I was attaching to my request.
I gave people the power over my own self-acceptance and was becoming more and more afraid to ask for what I wanted.
But when I no longer feared the story I projected onto hearing a?no, I was free to consider why they didn’t say?yes. Perhaps something like…
… poor timing.
… lack of information or understanding.
… their fear that my offer will make them think or do something they don’t want to do.
This then allowed me to evolve, iterate and make more requests. And the more requests I made without any story attached to them, the more yeses I got.
Accept yourself as you are. Don’t buy into insecure thoughts about what other people might think or do. A no is never about you, it’s about the other person’s projection. Instead, make reality your friend, not the story you are projecting onto reality.
Lesson 3. When you are at the top of your game…
Be humble. Remember what got you here, do more of it and never stop improving. Be grateful. Give more and do more for others. Save resources for the upcoming tough days.
Lesson 4. When you are at the bottom of your game…
Have the courage to think bigger than your current reality.
Do the opposite of what got you here.
Look for the lessons and hidden opportunities.?Got made redundant? Good, now you can pursue your dream.
Go back to basics. Nail your fundamentals and lean on your systems.
Get out of yourself. Give what you want to get. Be of more service. Give more. Love more. Turn up bigger.
Know that, what you do in your tough days, determines what you do in your extraordinary days.
“It's easy to be great when it's easy. Its harder to be great when its hard”?- Robin Sharma
Lesson 5. Nine Uncomfortable Truths
Lesson 6. Two Universal Truths
Lesson 7. To lead extraordinary people, you must become extraordinary.
Leadership is an inside job.
To lead others, you must be able to lead yourself. It always starts with you.
The four areas I believe we need to master as leaders are:
Developing your body requires discipline, consistency and mental toughness. It requires fuelling the body properly, getting enough sleep, learning what the body needs and being able to regulate your autonomic nervous system.?
2. Mental Mastery
Mastering your mind involves cultivating mental control, concentration and inner freedom. It’s rooted in mindfulness, being able to observe the contents arising in consciousness and upgrading the content to ensure you can serve yourself and others powerfully.
3. Emotional Mastery
Emotional mastery is about developing an awareness and understanding of your emotions. And being able to harness and self-regulate, so we are able to face challenges with resilience, power and confidence.
4. Spiritual Mastery
Spiritual mastery is about connecting deeply with presence. A skill we must cultivate to access our intuition and higher self. When we come from a place of presence, we learn to lead and act with our hearts.
Lesson 8. Everything that has needed to be said has been said, but no one was listening so it needs to be said again
I got this from Austin Kleon the author of?Steal Like An Artist?and?Show Your Work. Books I read at a time I was struggling to express and show up online the way I wanted to. I was obsessed with being original… coming up with something that no one has ever thought of.
But it’s all been said!
All you need to do is read some old text from the Stoics and the East, to realise the message is bi-enlarge the same.
But take one look at the world… clearly, no one was listening. So it needs to be said again…
This realisation led me to my one-line business model…
Learn it. Live it. Give it.
To learn how to create an extraordinary life, create an extraordinary life and help others do the same.
Lesson 9. How you do anything is how you do everything
This lesson is something I am to live by.
And for me it ALL starts with your morning routine.
Snooze. Wake up late. Check your phone. Scroll social media. Rush to work. Start your day.
Or…
Wake up early. Prime your body with breathwork and movement. Practice gratitude. Visualise your day. Set your intentions. Work on your vision. Exercise. Start your day.
There is no competition.
My morning routine has become my competitive edge and is responsible for every single bit of success I have had. Something that is available to anyone who is willing to pay the price and turn up every day, regardless of how monotonous it may feel.
It’s because of this lesson, that waking early and nailing your morning routine is bigger than just waking early and nailing your morning routine, it becomes a way of life. The impact on the rest of your life is huge. It sets you up for success.
(Side note — if you want to nail your morning routine once-and-for-all,?join my upcoming 5am Club Morning Routine Challenge)
Lesson 10. The feeling of urgency is one of the most reliable indicators that what you actually need to do is slow down and take a break.
This has been another incredibly valuable lesson and got me out of many poor decisions.
I used to be very impulsive. I’d shoot from the hip. Make quick decisions. Often fuelled by this sense of urgency and a lack of patience.
I now use how I feel at any moment as a barometer for the quality of my thinking.
So if I feel rushed, impatient, and have a sense of urgency; my default thoughts of?do more, work harder, hurry you will miss this opportunity, cannot be relied on.
So instead I do the opposite. Down tools. Go for a walk. Meditate. Nap. Just be… What follows is always clarity of vision and a sense of knowing that I can trust.
Lesson 11. Money is a mental game
Let me share an analogy from Michael Neill’s book?Supercoach, that completely transformed my relationship with money…
Imagine this scenario:
You live in a cold climate. Your partner asks you to put more wood on the fire, but when you look at the woodpile, it’s almost empty. What do you do next?
You’d go chop wood. Or simply drive to the shops and buy more, and perhaps way more than you need.
Now, imagine this second scenario:
Your partner asks you if there is enough money to go on vacation this year, but when you look at the bank account, it’s almost empty. What do you do next?
If you’re like most people, you panic. Make excuses as to why you can’t, then secretly feel like a failure.
But what’s the difference between the two scenarios?
In the first, wood is just a commodity. Something there is an abundance of and is easy enough to get more of with a little bit of effort.
In the second, you’re acting as if the money is in some way magical — something that if only you could magic more of, it would take away all your problems.
But isn’t money just a commodity too!? Something we use from time to time for a specific purpose and could easily get more of with a little effort? With $40 trillion in circulation, there is certainly an abundance of it.
Then why put so much of our well-being on the line for it? Why outsource our happiness to this commodity and then act as if it’s a scarce resource?
I’ll leave this with a quote from Michael Neill,
“As long as you see money as a scarce resource, you will continually inconvenience yourself in order to get it. As soon as you have made yourself the scarce resource, money will inconvenience itself to get you.”
Lesson 12. The best productivity “hack” there is — acknowledging your limitations
This insight came from the book?Four Thousand Weeks?(probably the most impactful book I read in 2021) as it taught me the true value of time and choice.
Before reading it, like most, I was on a mission to see how much I could squeeze into my day.
But as I learned, the more we believe we might succeed in?‘fitting everything in’, the more commitments we naturally take on, and in that, it becomes easier to say yes, and harder to say no. The result is, that we start to fill our day with activities we don’t really value.
It’s a vicious circle. A deadly trap.
The way out of this busyness trap is to acknowledge your limitations.
Our time on this planet is very limited. You can’t do it all!
Perhaps a painful realisation to confront. But when you do, you realise tough choices are inevitable.
And what a wonderful thing that is!
Tough choices make your choices meaningful. They teach you the true value of your time, energy and attention!
The more tough choices you make the more productive, meaningful and joyful life becomes.
It’s not about how many things you can do in a day, but how few things you can do with full engagement, presence and love.
Lesson 13. Life is a dance. Find your rhythm.
Most live life like it’s a monotone. Always on. Always doing. Never being. Busy being busy. Skimming the surface of life. Never fully engaging. Never stopping to experience what they are already part of.
There is another way…
A rhythm of deep engagement, followed by strategic periods of renewal.
A rhythm of doing and being. Action and renewal. Power and allowing. Pursuit and gratitude.
This way leads to a fully engaged, deeply involved and passionate life.
My rhythms are centred around my 12 Week Year, and the rhythms I will be sharing in?my upcoming 5am Club Challenge.
Lesson 14. Ask who not how
This lesson came from reading Benjamin Hardy’s book,?Who Not How.
Since reading it, the first questions I now ask myself when I set new goals are…
… who can help me?
… who has done this before?
Most ask?how?first, and as a result, end up setting mediocre goals that they know they can achieve. But if you set a goal that you know how to achieve, you’re not growing. You’re going sideways!
When we set a goal we should have absolutely no idea how to achieve it.?And the first question we need to ask ourselves is?Who.
When we have the humbleness to ask who, we bring in people who are more qualified and skilled than us, freeing us to focus on our strengths and passions. And our investments in?Whos?strengthen our commitment to our goals.
Every highly successful person has done it through relationships. This cannot be escaped. And your success will depend more on Whos than How.
Lesson 15. “To double your income and impact, triple your investment in your personal mastery and professional capability” — Robin Sharma
Investing in yourself is bigger than the skills you acquire. Investing in yourself proves to yourself you are worthy of investment.
The problem most people have, is they haven’t got to the point they believe they are worthy of their own investment. And until they do, they will stay at the level they are at.
The moment I invested in myself, my whole life changed… The investment confirmed I had something bigger in me. I immediately became more confident and started to take my future seriously.
Since then I’ve invested over ￡50k on myself, and I plan on investing a whole load more. It’s the best investment I’ll ever make.
Lesson 16. Principles and timing determine our results
“You have a right to your actions, but never to the results of your actions. Act for the action’s sake”?— Bhagavad Gita
You don’t control the outcomes of your life.
You don’t control your health.
You don’t control your wealth.
You control your actions and inputs, and principles control the outcome.
Everything in life is governed by a set of principles…and who you are now is the product of those principles in action.
When we understand these principles we can predict the outcomes of our behaviours… which in turn should determine our behaviours.
This understanding has given me an element of trust and patience.
Before I used to ruminate on ‘whether I’d be a success or not’. It felt like I was throwing shit at the wall and seeing what would stick.
I now know I am going to be successful. Not because I am anyone special but because I have reverse-engineered the principles that create success, health, wealth and great relationships.
I think Viktor E. Frankl, sums this up perfectly with this quote,
“Don’t aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run — in the long-run, I say! — success will follow you precisely because you had ‘forgotten to think about it’.”
Lesson 17. “We are kept from our goal not by obstacles but by a clear path to a lesser goal.” — Robert Brault
Akin to the quote,
“Failing to prepare is preparing to fail”
Our brains are conditioned for ease and comfort. They will always choose the easy route.
You may really want to lose 20lbs, but if you haven’t built a plan to achieve it and a path of resistance to lesser goals, the path to lesser goals will always lead you astray.
This is at the heart of my upcoming 5am Club challenge,?click here to claim your spot.
Lesson 18. The obstacle is the way
The things you fear, the things that feel hardest are also the ones that are most valuable.
If you start using these as reverse indicators… as a sign of what to lean into, not what to run away from, your life will transform.
Lesson 19. 5am is when legends are either waking up or going to bed
Waking at 5am transformed my life. Waking at 5am is bigger than just waking early. Waking at 5am changes who you are.
When you consistently wake at 5am, you’ll forge the resiliency and mental toughness to succeed at an elite level.
Waking at 5am is the perfect training ground for discipline, willpower and self control.?Three essential ingredients to self-mastery.
Lesson 20. Make decisions when you are at your best to defend yourself when you are at your worst
When you feel inspired, present and connected to your purpose, that’s when to ACT BIG. Follow your heart. Sign up for that course, make that call, get a PT, invest in your future self.
These big decisions act as defence mechanisms when you are at your worst.
High performers know the tough days are coming and motivation can’t be relied on. So they future pace motivation and willpower, by playing big, planning and building external defence mechanisms when they are at their best.
Lesson 21. Set the bar high on consistency, and low on quantity
Most set themselves up for failure. They build a grandiose picture of how life?should?be, marrying them with unrealistic habits and the latest?hacks. When they don’t follow through it all goes down the drain.?Boom to bust.
The key to consistency is setting yourself up for success. Build habits that appear laughably easy.
Seems too easy to work… which is why most struggle with inconsistency.
Make the goal turning up, doing a little and seeing what happens.
Lesson 22. The formula for becoming an instant success
Know your values. Live into them.
Lesson 23. “Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.” — Steven Pressfield
This came from the book?The War On Art?(a personal favourite).
Resistance is our way of escaping fear.
Resistance is fear in disguise. Disguised as procrastination, excuses, rationalisation, optimistic denial and self-doubt.
Behaviours that if we give in to, will always keep us living a smaller life than we deserve.
On the other hand, when we use resistance as a reverse indicator… a sign of what to lean into, we begin making fear a friend. We slowly release ourselves from its stranglehold and wake up to the power we have inside.
“The only way for us to be truly happy is to acknowledge our fear and look deeply at its source.”?— Thich Nhat Hanh
Lesson 24. The anticipation or idea of the desired outcome is generally more satisfying than the outcome itself
This is one we all need to remind ourselves of on a daily.
It’s all too easy to fall victim to the belief?“I’ll be happy when (…enter required condition)”
But what really happens is that once we get what we want — whether that’s wealth, health, or a relationship — we adapt and the excitement fades. The experiences we’re seeking, often, end up being underwhelming and even disappointing.
The passion and excitement are in the pursuit.
Lesson 25. Surrender to the outcome and go all in
I haven’t come across a better formula for living than letting go of your attachment to the outcome and going all in. It’s become my guiding principle in life.
Most of life is out of our control. But one thing in our control is our effort.
Do your best. Accept that sometimes you will get it wrong. Accept sometimes your efforts will come off, sometimes they won’t. There will be ups, there will be downs. And if you dare to be the constant throughout this, if you dare to measure yourself on your ability to show up, give everything your all regardless of the outcome, you will live an extraordinary life.
Be the ocean, not the wave.
Lesson 26. What got you here won’t get you there
Most people walk through life surrounded by an invisible cage — trapping them in a life smaller than the one we could have.
They trap themselves with thoughts like, once I?have?more money then I will?be happier and be able to?do?the things I’ve always dreamed of…
But think about it…
What you currently?have?in life is a result of?who you are?and?what you do.
The order is?Be — Do — Have. Not?Have — Do — Be.
In order to have new results, you must become the person and adopt the actions, behaviours and habits of someone who is already where you want to get be. Plus the faith that the having will come.
Which isn’t about faking it till you make it, it’s about freeing your true potential from being held hostage to external conditions.
Lesson 27. The power isn’t found in resistance. Strength comes from yielding to what is.
So much of our suffering is created by our own stories of how things?should?be.
When life doesn’t go to plan, we resist what is and try to change it using force and struggle.
This was me for most of my life…?it’s not a way to live.
Resisting and force put you in a weaker position.
Jiu-Jitsu legend Rickson Gracie talks about this in his book?Breathe, as does surfer Laird Hamilton when washed up in the break of a wave.
Accepting what is gives us strength and resilience. Accepting what is brings us into the present moment, and presence always has the answer. Presence is inherently resilience, and the only way there is with acceptance.
Acceptance is the gateway to peace and presence.
In?The Power Of Now, Eckhart Tolle says,
“Accept — then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”
Lesson 28. It all starts with the body
Society has conditioned us to overemphasise the role of our prefrontal cortex, our rational brain.
We are rewarded at school for how quickly we can do the 7 times table. But art and design are considered joke subjects.
We have become a population of thinkers, and the body is seen, simply, as an instrument of the mind.
But we now know the mind and body are one. Our mind impacts our biology and our body impacts our mental state. There is a complex interrelationship between the two.
When we ignore this, we think too much and feel too little. Leaving us unable to translate the language of our bodies (emotions). And unable to tap into our subconscious mind (the body).
We all need to get back into our bodies and start there.
For me, this has meant, proactively starting every day with some form of embodiment practice. Breathwork. Dance. Movement. And reactively using my feelings to tune into the messages from my body, and my breath to regulate my mind-body connection.
Lesson 30. Life is a mirror
This lesson woke me to the fact that everything we see in life is a projection of our minds.
We are not seeing reality, we are seeing our projection of reality.
It’s why life and relationships are the greatest forms of feedback. They are constantly showing us where we are at. And if we can learn to take responsibility for this, life and relationships are always showing us the way.
Our triggers and shadows become our best teachers.
Lesson 31. Comparison is the thief of joy
BUT… it can be used as inspiration. As above, life is a mirror, so what you see in others exists in you.
So if you find yourself comparing yourself to authors or entrepreneurs, there is likely something in that for you… follow it with curiosity and non-attachment.
This one insight led me to coaching… as I often found myself being triggered and comparing myself to the likes of Brendon Burchard and Tony Robbins.?As mad as that sounds!
But instead of allowing that to impact my self-worth, I allowed it to fuel my ambition… I read their books, went on their courses and started modelling their habits and behaviours, and am now starting to pave my own way.
Lesson 32.?The unexamined life is not worth living?— Socrates
An examined life to me is one of exploration, curiosity and wholehearted living. It’s about getting to know our minds and unearthing our gifts.
An examined life is achieved by leaning into fear, living at the edge and creating conditions through discipline and structure to give the world our greatest gifts.
An examined life to me is about self-mastery.
Lesson 33. Silence has the answer
“Our mind is filled with noise, and that’s why we can’t hear the call of life, the call of love. Our heart is calling us, but we don’t hear. We don’t have the time to listen to our heart.” —?Thich Nhat Hanh
Most of us are afraid to be in silence as we don’t know how to handle the suffering inside. So we run or hide by keeping ourselves busy.
But it is this running and hiding that’s creating the suffering itself.
“Suffering begins to dissolve when we can question the belief or the hope that there’s anywhere to hide” —?Pema Ch?dr?n
There is nowhere to run or hide, and if we can learn to quieten the mind and listen to the silence, we will become alive to the richness of life as it is, and start to hear the whisper in our hearts.
The answer is always coming back to ourselves. The answer is often found in silence.
Lesson 34. Mindfulness is the way
Mindfulness should not be saved for the 10 minutes you meditate a day. Mindfulness is a way of being.
Whether we know it or not, we are always watering and cultivating things in our minds — things that will be consumed later on. Without mindfulness, we are not paying attention to what we are taking in and watering. And given our brains are conditioned for negativity, without paying attention to what we are watering, we can do a lot of damage to ourselves and our loved ones.
Without mindfulness, you will continue to run after meaningless pursuits, as you’ll be unaware that you’re delaying your happiness to a future condition.
Mindfulness wakes you up to these deceptions. It helps you see happiness and peace are not conditional on things. It helps you see happiness and peace are in essence who you are.
Mindfulness helps you see there is nothing you need to change, do, be or have in order to be happy. It gives you space to look deeply at your truest desires.
Mindfulness is also the best way to free ourselves from the endless wheel of habitual thinking. It reclaims our attention and our ability to be present.
Mindfulness creates space between the stimulus and response, and as Viktor Frankl wrote,
“Between stimulus and response,?there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Mindfulness is the way, and it starts with…
Lesson 35. Just one breath
The breath is the bridge between the mind and body. It’s how we communicate with the body.
With our breath and the power of our mind, we are able to control our nervous system and immune response. We are able to tell our bodies that it is safe to live in the reality of the present.
Next time you feel anxious, stressed, or angry. Stop. Close your eyes. Come alive to your senses. Take a deep breath, exhale slowly and repeat. Now meet the needs of the present moment with renewed clarity and action.
Again it sounds too simple to work. But by practising mindful breathing you will reclaim your ability to live in the present moment and free yourself from the endless wheel of habitual thinking.
Make mindful breathing your home base and your experience of life will transform.
Lesson 36. Presence is always the answer
There are no judgements in presence, just compassion.
There are no restrictions in presence, just abundance.
There is no hatred in presence, just love.
There is no anxiety in presence, just inspiration.
If we strip the past 35 lessons back… it all comes down to presence.
Presence is inherently resilient. Presence is inherently peaceful, compassionate and loving.
Presence is always the answer.
“Realise deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the Now the primary focus of your life.”?— Eckart Tolle
Bonus Lesson 37. I know nothing…
These 36 lessons are just my expression of life, and I’m sure they will change.
But I encourage you to adopt the mindset of a scientist, not a researcher.
Don’t take my word as given. Test things. Contemplate life. Think about your thinking. Journal. Take action. Test your edge. Flex both ways. Find your equanimity. Find your rhythm.
And I recommend you write down your own lessons, beliefs and principles. This blog was more for me than anyone else and I now feel like I know myself far better. What I stand for, my principles and where I am headed. A liberating experience!
Thanks for coming this far!
Big love,
Joel
P.S. Whenever you’re ready… here are 3 ways I can help you start living life on your terms.
1. Join my upcoming 5am Club Challenge
It's a 2-week challenge, aimed at helping you consistently wake earlier and nail your morning routine, once and for all —?Click here to claim your spot
2. Apply for my next mentorship program
If you are an ambitious man ready to live life on bigger and better terms,?apply here?to join the waitlist for my next group coaching program.
3. Work with my privately
I have one 1–2–1 spaces freeing up, so if you’d like to work directly with me…?book a call with me here to apply.
?? The essential element for hiring at scale ??
2 年Happy birthday mate!